


The Spice Girls: Take 2

by Beewachan



Series: Series 2: Second Generation Captains [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Explicit Language, M/M, Open Relationships, Second gen captains, Sexual Content, This is so bad it’s laughable; come here for a good time lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-11-08 05:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11075388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beewachan/pseuds/Beewachan
Summary: (15:12) spice daddy:tip of the day: don't play indoor volleyball or you'll break your mother’s precious vase and cry as you try to glue it back together before she comes home(15:13) Daddy:are u seriously crying(15:13) spice daddy:internally(15:13) Daddy:did u get it back together at least(15:13) spice daddy:a couple more fragments(15:13) supreme dream queen:me trying to pick up the pieces of my life





	1. i think he's a quackl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (15:12) spice daddy: tip of the day: don't play indoor volleyball or you'll break your mother’s precious vase and cry as you try to glue it back together before she comes home
> 
> (15:13) Daddy: are u seriously crying
> 
> (15:13) spice daddy: internally
> 
> (15:13) Daddy: did u get it back together at least
> 
> (15:13) spice daddy: a couple more fragments
> 
> (15:13) supreme dream queen: me trying to pick up the pieces of my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ennoshita Chikara -- ennoshita  
> Akaashi Keiji -- Mommy  
> Miya Atsumu -- Daddy  
> Yamamoto Taketora -- everything nice  
> Sakusa Kiyoomi -- #1  
> Terushima Yuuji -- spice daddy  
> Yahaba Shigeru -- Yahaba  
> Hoshiumi Kourai -- halfpint  
> Futakuchi Kenji -- supreme dream queen  
> Shirabu Kenjirou -- NaCl

(15:12) spice daddy: tip of the day: don't play indoor volleyball or you'll break your mother’s precious vase and cry as you try to glue it back together before she comes home

(15:13) Daddy: are u seriously crying

(15:13) spice daddy: internally

(15:13) Daddy: did u get it back together at least

(15:13) spice daddy: a couple more fragments

(15:13) supreme dream queen: me trying to pick up the pieces of my life

(15:13) spice daddy: :’)

 

 

 

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(18:12) NaCl: did you seriously play indoor volleyball next to a vase

(18:13) supreme dream queen: he got his phone taken away as punishment and he wanted me to tell you guys and ask u to tell his bf pls

(18:13) NaCl: god, he's such an idiot

(18:13) supreme dream queen: isn't it great

(18:13) NaCl: something is wrong with you i swear

(18:13) supreme dream queen: i eat puppies

(18:14) NaCl: okay futakuchi if that was an asian joke ur sick and not funny

(18:14) supreme dream queen: didn't even realize i was doing that tbh i just wanted a reaction

(18:14) NaCl: you’re an actual attention whore

(18:14) Yahaba: Oh, boy, it's just like Oikawa

(18:14) supreme dream queen: with pride  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: i say yes, yes i am

(18:14) NaCl: don't talk to me

(18:14) Yahaba: No, Shitabu, you're giving him what he wants

(18:14) supreme dream queen: don't u like annoying him though lmao

(18:15) Yahaba: I thought it would annoy him more to make that comment than to leave it alone

(18:15) supreme dream queen: shit ur right

(18:15) NaCl: .  
(18:15) NaCl: eat shit

(18:15) Yahaba: That’s my favorite quote

(18:15) supreme dream queen: pinning it to my inspo board

(18:15) Yahaba: What went wrong in the womb, Futakuchi?

 

 

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(20:17) Mommy: I don't think anything’s wrong with you, Futakuchi-san.

(20:17) supreme dream queen: thanks akaashi-san ur the only one who understands me

 

 

 

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(03:12) Daddy: if it makes you feel any better, mytherapist says im fuxked up 2  
(03:12) Daddy: i think he's a quackl

(03:12) #1: Go to sleep, Miya

 

 

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(04:00) supreme dream queen: it makes me feel better ily miya

 

 

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(06:30) everything nice: last day of school motherfuckers how does it feel

(06:30) NaCl: unfortunate because we still have ¾ of the school year left

(06:32) everything nice: btw  
(06:32) everything nice: terushima went on his computer and called me via skype  
(06:32) everything nice: he told me that he will make up for not sending you pictures of ur favorite barista over the next week by sending 20 as soon as he gets his phone

(06:32) NaCl: WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY PICTURES OF SEMI

(06:32) everything nice: idk

(06:33) NaCl: if he happens to call you again tell him i don't want them just like i don't want the daily pics of semi

(06:33) everything nice: ok but he isnt gonna listen

(06:33) Yahaba: I wouldn't listen, either

(06:33) NaCl: shut up, yahaba

(06:33) Yahaba: Make me

(06:33) everything nice: shirayaha

(06:33) NaCl: STOP

(06:33) Yahaba: Stop

 

 

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(20:17) halfpint: IM FINALLY HERE GUYS DIDYA MISS ME

(20:17) supreme dream queen: i yearned for your presence

(20:17) halfpint: <3333

(20:17) supreme dream queen: where were u and does ur summer break start now

(20:17) halfpint: mhm and i went on one of those tech cleanses

(20:17) supreme dream queen: oh fun

(20:17) halfpint: whatve u been up to

(20:18) supreme dream queen: waiting for u to get back  
(20:18) supreme dream queen: but fr like nothing

(20:18) halfpint: ya i could tell after i stalked ur instagram

(20:18) supreme dream queen: what the hell

(20:18) #1: Hoshiumi doesn't understand what a technology cleanse is

 

 

  
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(13:01) Daddy: I MISS TERUSHIMA

(13:01) halfpint: when does ur training camp start

(13:01) Daddy: SOON

(13:02) halfpint: do u not know the day lmao

(13:02) Daddy: IDK LIKE A WEEK FROM NOW

(13:02) halfpint: do u think if we went to miyagi he would be able to hang out with us

(13:02) Daddy: LOL MY MOM WONT LET ME GO TO MIYAGI AGAIN AFTER LAST TIME

(13:02) halfpint: l a m e

(13:03) Daddy: WHAT CAN YA DO

(13:03) halfpint: miya ur hot talk ur way out of it

(13:03) Daddy: HOSHIUMI

(13:03) Mommy: Kourai.

(13:03) Daddy: THERE

(13:03) Mommy: Are.

(13:03) Daddy: SO

(13:03) Mommy: Many.

(13:03) Daddy: THINGS

(13:03) Mommy: Wrong.

(13:03) Daddy: WITH

(13:04) Mommy: What.

(13:04) Daddy: YOU

(13:04) Mommy: Just.

(13:04) Daddy: TYPED

(13:04) halfpint: i feel like im being scolded by an actual set of parents

(13:04) Daddy: keiji and i are married right

(13:04) Mommy: No.

(13:04) Daddy: WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME

(13:04) Mommy: I have short-term memory loss and have suddenly forgotten the topic of conversation, bye.

(13:04) Daddy: u have  
(13:04) Daddy: a photographic  
(13:04) Daddy: memory

(13:04) halfpint: i think he was trying to say he doesnt like u nicely

(13:05) Daddy: gollY THANK YOU SO MUCH HOSHIUMI I WAS HAVING A HARD TIME DEDUCING THAT

(13:05) halfpint: yw

 

 

  
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(14:12) everything nice: so i have a praise kink anyone know someone that can feed me compliments

(14:12) ennoshita: i will redirect you to kinoshita as soon as possible

(14:12) everything nice: ayyyyy

(14:13) ennoshita: allow me to get his permission first although i know he’ll say yes

(14:13) everything nice: ily ennoshita

(14:13) ennoshita: you're welcome

 

 

  
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(18:13) supreme dream queen: um i just talked to my mom

(18:13) ennoshita: about what

(18:13) supreme dream queen: she was like where were you and i said volleyball  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: and she says “i hope you didn't take any pictures, you little perv” and i was like wtf mom i’m on the team  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: and she's like wat  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: and i’m like yeah and she's like i thought u were a swimmer this entire time bc u wanted to meet guys  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: i wanna be upset but i can't bc that was kinda funny tbh

(18:14) ennoshita: that is funny  
(18:14) ennoshita: that’s what your mother thinks of you

(18:14) supreme dream queen: she made me s0 who's the real winner here

(18:15) ennoshita: futakuchi, there doesn't have to be a winner for everything

(18:15) supreme dream queen: omg ennoshita it's an expression

(18:15) ennoshita: sorry my mom instincts are hard to suppress after being on a bus with all the children for so long

(18:15) supreme dream queen: omg u call them the children

(18:15) ennoshita: they are my children  
(18:15) ennoshita: i take care of them  
(18:15) ennoshita: i feed them  
(18:15) ennoshita: i help them with their homework  
(18:15) ennoshita: i sign those parent signature forms  
(18:15) ennoshita: i read tsukki dinosaur stories  
(18:15) ennoshita: i buy kageyama milk  
(18:15) ennoshita: i break apart fights  
(18:15) ennoshita: i tuck them all in at night and give them forehead kisses  
(18:16) ennoshita: they are my children

(18:16) supreme dream queen: u make a good mom, ennoshita

(18:16) ennoshita: thank you  
(18:16) ennoshita: is aone your team mom

(18:16) supreme dream queen: ya it’s kinda weird bc he's the manliest guy on the team

(18:16) ennoshita: are you the team dad

(18:16) supreme dream queen: i yell at koganegawa and help him sometimes if that counts

(18:16) ennoshita: that’s cute

(18:16) supreme dream queen: thanks i think

(18:16) ennoshita: you're welcome

(18:16) Mommy: Being a mom is harder than being a dad.

(18:17) supreme dream queen: why do u say this

(18:17) ennoshita: because it is

(18:17) Mommy: Because we have to keep the kids happy.

(18:17) ennoshita: yes, there's a lot more tender love and care involved  
(18:17) ennoshita: it’s painful

(18:17) Mommy: You can blatantly criticize your teammates and call it “tough love.” We can’t always do that because we’re supposed to be gentle.

(18:17) supreme dream queen: y

(18:17) Mommy: If we don't stroke their egos, they'll give up and quit.

(18:17) ennoshita: or pretend to be uncooperative until you buy them dumplings

(18:17) supreme dream queen: must suck  
(18:17) supreme dream queen: you guys are good captains

(18:18) Mommy: Thank you, that means a lot to us.

(18:18) ennoshita: we think you’re a good captain as well

(18:18) supreme dream queen: r u two together

(18:18) Mommy: Karasuno has just arrived.

(18:18) supreme dream queen: right u guys do that thing

(18:18) Mommy: We’re going to go find Lev and put a beetle on him. We’ll catch you later, Futakuchi-san.

(18:18) supreme dream queen: lmao have fun w that

 

 

 

  
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(17:13) everything nice: can we talk about the fact that miya has a twin wtf

(17:14) ennoshita: i can’t believe you didn't know

(17:14) Daddy: who's the hotter one

(17:14) everything nice: him

(17:14) Daddy: i regret asking

(17:14) ennoshita: i agree with yamamoto

(17:15) Daddy: YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN

(17:15) Mommy: All you have to do is dye your hair, Atsumu.

(17:15) Daddy: SO MEAN

(17:15) Mommy: I’m sorry.

(17:15) Daddy: THANKS

 

 

 

  
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(19:12) #1: For what it's worth, Atsumu, I like you better despite your horrible personality.

(19:12) Daddy: im sry im working on being nicer  
(19:12) Daddy: ur the only nice one here

(19:12) #1: You’re welcome.

 

 

 

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(23:29) everything nice: so fourth day of training camp just tucked the kids in and kissed them gn #feelin like a dad

(23:29) halfpint: lol cute

 

 

 

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(13:32) Daddy: shirabu help make akaashi love me

(13:32) NaCl: why me

 

 

 

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Chat: Daddy and NaCl

(13:33) Daddy: YOU OWE ME

(13:33) NaCl: i have no idea what you're talking about

(13:33) Daddy: remember the interhigh bathroom last yr you dirty slut

(13:33) NaCl: did you of all people really just call me a slut

(13:33) Daddy: YOU WERE

(13:33) NaCl: i was very upset, and i don't have to explain myself to you

  
“Hey, do you remember the Shiratorizawa setter from last year’s Interhigh?” Atsumu looked at his brother.

“Which one?”

“The starter.”

“Why?”

“I'm talking to him right now.” Atsumu smiled impishly.

“Tell him I said, ‘hi.’”

“‘Kay.”

  
(13:34) Daddy: he says hi btw

(13:34) NaCl: who

(13:34) Daddy: u know who

(13:34) NaCl: what do you want me to do

(13:35) Daddy: pls help me like ik u and keiji are friends so can u talk to him and find out how he really feels about me

(13:35) NaCl: ugh i can try

(13:35) Daddy: osamu wants to do it again  
(13:35) Daddy: he said he’s disappointed that shiratorizawa didn't qualify for interhigh this year and that he really would have liked to do it again

(13:35) NaCl: i have a fucking boyfriend, and whatever, we’ll make nationals

“Sorry, Osamu, he has a boyfriend.” Atsumu frowned, and his brother gave a disappointed grunt.

(13:35) Daddy: he didn't say anything

(13:35) NaCl: i hate you

(13:35) Daddy: you do?

(13:36) NaCl: i like osamu better

(13:36) Daddy: that’s mean, shirabu. i have an inferiority complex because multiple people have told me he's hotter

(13:36) NaCl: do you really

(13:36) Daddy: lmao no i'm the star

(13:36) NaCl: wow

(13:36) Daddy: osamu wants ur skype, so i’m giving it to him… kind of like he gave _it_ to you l o l

(13:36) NaCl: shut the fuck up

(13:36) Daddy: fr though would you be open to a rerun of interhigh  
(13:36) Daddy: i’ll join in ;)

(13:37) NaCl: you like akaashi, you dumb slut

(13:37) Daddy: i love it when you call me that

 

 

 

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Chat: Miya Osamu and NaCl

  
(13:37) Miya Osamu: Hi, Shirabu. I'm sorry I didn't ask for your contact information last year. You had to leave so suddenly, and then I didn't see you at nationals. :(

 

 

 

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Chat: Daddy and NaCl

  
(13:37) NaCl: WHAT THE FUCK YOU ACTUALLY GAVE HIM MY SKYPE YOU FUCKING CUNT  
(13:37) NaCl: HE TYPES SO AWKWARDLY TOO  
(13:37) NaCl: YOU NEED TO DIE

(13:37) Daddy: have fun

 

 

 

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Chat: Miya Osamu and NaCl

  
(13:38) NaCl: look, last year was a mistake. i don’t want to do it again. like, ever again

(13:38) Miya Osamu: Why do you say that?

(13:38) NaCl: i have a boyfriend

(13:38) Miya Osamu: I thought you said you weren't gay last year.

(13:38) NaCl: things have changed since then, osamu

(13:38) Miya Osamu: I like it when you call me by my given name.

(13:38) NaCl: i will block you

(13:39) Miya Osamu: :(  
(13:39) Miya Osamu: What’s your given name?

(13:39) NaCl: are you fucking kidding me

(13:39) Miya Osamu: No.

(13:39) NaCl: kenjirou

(13:39) Miya Osamu: Okay, Kenjirou. How have things changed?

(13:39) NaCl: i realized i liked a guy, and now he's my boyfriend, so bye.

(13:39) Miya Osamu: Please don't actually leave.

(13:40) NaCl: what do you want

(13:40) Miya Osamu: Well, I’d really like to pleasure you again this year, but a little differently this time.  
(13:40) Miya Osamu: What’s your boyfriend’s name, by the way?

(13:40) NaCl: 1) no fuck you 2) semi

(13:40) Miya Osamu: Eita?  
(13:40) Miya Osamu: Would you like to literally fuck me?

(13:40) NaCl: yes and n. o.

(13:40) Miya Osamu: Then who?

(13:40) NaCl: i am done with you. my answers were respective. this conversation is over. goodbye.

(13:40) Miya Osamu: Please stay. I really do like you, Kenjirou.  
(13:41) Miya Osamu: Sorry for being a bit of a fuckboy. My brother is rubbing off on me.

(13:41) NaCl: BUT YOU ARE AN ACTUAÑ FUCKBOY  
(13:41) NaCl: U LITERALLY SAW ME CRYING, KISSED ME, AND PULLED ME INTO A STALL JUST TO ASK IF YOU COULD SUCK MY DICK

(13:41) Miya Osamu: Hey, I've never done that to anyone else. How bad could I be?

(13:41) NaCl: BYE

(13:41) Miya Osamu: Please, Kenjirou.

(13:41) NaCl: BYE

(13:41) Miya Osamu: Atsumu and I can hit together if you'd prefer.

(13:41) NaCl: BYE

 

 

 

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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

(13:42) NaCl: if anyone sees miya please smack him for me

(13:42) Daddy: my brother genuinely likes u and he doesn't appreciate u ignoring him

(13:42) supreme dream queen: what the fuck you have a brother

(13:42) NaCl: you're so late, futakuchi

(13:42) supreme dream queen: pics

(13:42) NaCl: hes a hotter version of miya w darker hair

(13:42) supreme dream queen: I NEED TO SEE HIM

(13:43) NaCl: why

(13:43) supreme dream queen: I WANNA BE A SLUT FOR MIYA #2

(13:43) Daddy: don't you have a boyfriend  
(13:43) Daddy: shirabu, why can't u be more like futakuchi

(13:43) NaCl: shut up you look like the type to send a you up text at 3am

(13:43) Mommy: He is.

(13:43) Daddy: I ONLY DO THAT TO YOU

(13:43) supreme dream queen: im in an open relationship now

(13:43) NaCl: what the fuck why

(13:43) supreme dream queen: bc kamasaki is a frat boy and frat boys cheat and life is hard being committed

(13:44) NaCl: that's terrible

(13:44) supreme dream queen: kinda liking it tbh

(13:44) Daddy: what is wrong with you

(13:44) supreme dream queen: voyeurism

(13:44) NaCl: i don’t have anything to say to that

(13:44) Daddy: shirabu ask semi for an open relationship he's in college he probably feels tied down

(13:44) supreme dream queen: ^

(13:44) NaCl: no what the fuck is wrong with you guys

(13:44) Daddy: pls if u do then osamu can like do what he wants to you

(13:45) NaCl: NO

(13:45) supreme dream queen: the fuck is osamu

(13:45) Daddy: my twin

(13:45) supreme dream queen: k that's fucking hot

(13:45) NaCl: please never breathe again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to apologize for posting this trash on the internet, but does Donald Trump apologize for tweeting?  
> Thank you for reading this far. It must have been hard.


	2. he says u make him wet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was rly trying hard not to deliver trash but I'm rly l,azy and i didn't wanna proofread I'm sry  
> also this chapter has like a lot of shippy shit in it idk why i felt the need to tell you guys that k pls enjoy

chat: Mommy and NaCl

  
(13:45) NaCl: akaashi-san i’m really ashamed to be asking this but how do you feel about miya

(13:45) Mommy: Do you like him or something?

(13:45) NaCl: no

(13:45) Mommy: I tolerate him. Sometimes he can be cute.

(13:46) NaCl: so like do you like him at all

(13:46) Mommy: I guess I like him.

(13:46) NaCl: wym

(13:46) Mommy: It isn't as bad as I liked Bokuto-san, who was my only crush. It was an obsessive crush. I don't know what “normal” liking someone is like to be honest.

(13:46) NaCl: akaashi-san can i please tell you a disturbing secret

(13:46) Mommy: Of course.

(13:46) NaCl: so last year at the interhigh i was really upset about losing and i went to the bathroom and i was crying bc i was weak willed  
(13:47) NaCl: and miyas brother walked in and he just kissed me like what the fuck

(13:47) Mommy: Sounds like something he would do.

(13:47) NaCl: and then he pulled me into a stall and sucked me off and then semi came in the br looking for me and i awkwardly was like 1 min and walked out and osamu walked out a little after right as we were leaving and semi saw him and it was so awkward

(13:47) Mommy: Lol

(13:47) NaCl: k so heres where it gets fuckin weird

(13:47) Mommy: Because Interhigh bathroom sex is completely normal.

(13:48) NaCl: ATSUMU WAS LIKE IF U DO IT AGAIN I’LL JOIN AND THEN I WAS TALKING TO HIS BROTHER BC ATSUMU GAVE HIM MY FUCKING SKYPE AND OSAMU WAS LIKE “we can hit together if you'd like” AND LIKE WHAT THE FUCK THEY BOTH THOUGHT THE SAME THING FUCKING GROSS

(13:48) Mommy: Do it.

(13:48) NaCl: WHY AKAASHI

(13:48) Mommy: Shirabu-san, I think it could be a pleasurable experience.

(13:48) NaCl: do you speak from experience

(13:48) Mommy: No, I can't let two guys penetrate me. 

(13:48) NaCl: oh my god  
(13:48) NaCl: would you be jealous if i did

(13:48) Mommy: What do I have to be jealous about?

(13:48) NaCl: atsumu

(13:48) Mommy: Oh, him. I don't know. I probably would, but I still encourage you to do it. Lately, you seem like you need to... loosen up.

(13:49) NaCl: such a great choice of words

(13:49) Mommy: I wish I could talk to you longer, but I have to go because we have a match in a few minutes. Later, Shirabu-san.

(13:49) NaCl: bye akaashi-san

 

  
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Chat: Daddy and NaCl

 

(13:49) NaCl: akaashi likes you. you're welcome, you whore

(13:49) Daddy: something about being called a whore really gets me going

(13:49) NaCl: i will block you and your brother

(13:49) Daddy: no u won't

(13:49) NaCl: why

(13:50) Daddy: because you wanna know what it feels like to have him inside of you

(13:50) NaCl: i. am. so. fucking. done. with. you. GIVE HIM FUTAKUCHI

(13:50) Daddy: i’m sending this to yahaba he’ll love it lmao

(13:50) NaCl: WAIT

(13:50) Daddy: wat

(13:50) NaCl: delete the message about akaashi

(13:50) Daddy: okay lol  
(13:50) Daddy: by the way  
(13:50) Daddy: i walked into that bathroom and left because i could hear you moaning what the fuck i can remember it so vividly

(13:50) NaCl: ugh fuck you  
(13:51) NaCl: i bet it turns you on

(13:51) Daddy: kinda does

(13:51) NaCl: slut

(13:51) Daddy: are we sexting

(13:51) NaCl: NO

(13:51) Daddy: shirabu this is going to be a huge favor for me to ask

(13:51) NaCl: DONT ASK IT  
(13:51) NaCl: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ASK FOR NUDES IM GOING TO OSAKA AND I WILL SLAP YOU INTO ANOTHER LIFE

(13:51) Daddy: send nudes

(13:51) NaCl: excuse me while i go find a fucking train ticket

(13:51) Daddy: jk can u flirt w me to make akaashi jealous  
(13:52) Daddy: or my brother and i could fuck you’d if you prefer

(13:52) NaCl: you're disgusting

(13:52) Daddy: PLEASE I NEED KEIJI

(13:52) NaCl: you're so fucking desperate ask futakuchi or something

(13:52) Daddy: ugh fine

 

  
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“I think you should let them tag team you,” Semi said while holding Shirabu’s hand.

“What the fuck, Eita?”

“I heard that Yasushi and his boyfriend have an open relationship. I think we should try that.”

Shirabu frowned. “Eita, I love you, so I'll let you call our relationship open, but I am not going to fuck two people at once.”

“Okay, but I still think you should. You seem really uptight lately.”

With a sigh, Shirabu signified that they weren't going to talk about this anymore.

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

 

(16:12) NaCl: so my bf just suggested an open relationship

(16:12) Yahaba: Oh no, Shitabu, he's getting tired of you

(16:13) NaCl: fuck you

(16:13) supreme dream queen: don't worry, shirabu, he's probably just upset that you can't fuck as much as he'd like since you guys aren't as close in proximity as before

(16:13) NaCl: thanks, futakuchi

(16:13) spice daddy: i missed you guys so much

(16:13) Yahaba: Welcome back, Terushima

(16:13) spice daddy: what did i miss

(16:13) supreme dream queen: shirabu and i have entered the realm of open relationships :’)

(16:13) spice daddy: must hurt to know ur bf is barebacking some hottie rn

(16:13) supreme dream queen: lowkey

(16:13) Yahaba: According to a screenshot Miya sent me, Shirabu wants to feel Miya’s brother inside of him? Shirabu, why didn't you tell me this?

(16:14) NaCl: so fucking done

(16:14) ennoshita: stop bullying shirabu

(16:14) Yahaba: Yes, mommy

(16:14) spice daddy: k so that turned me on

(16:14) supreme dream queen: same tbh

(16:14) Yahaba: You guys are disgusting

(16:14) spice daddy: wait  
(16:14) spice daddy: MIYA HAS A BROTHER?

(16:14) Yahaba: A twin

(16:14) spice daddy: ive always fantasized about twins  
(16:14) spice daddy: such a shame that i discover them after i decide to be monogamous

(16:14) supreme dream queen: open relationship

(16:14) spice daddy: n o

(16:15) NaCl: good

(16:15) Daddy: _Attached image_  
(16:15) Daddy: here's a pic of my brother and i

(16:15) Yahaba: That’s kind of cute

(16:15) NaCl: no, yahaba

(16:15) spice daddy: awww

(16:15) Yahaba: He looks so pained

(16:15) supreme dream queen: im wet

(16:15) Daddy: futakuchi he wants to know what you look like

(16:15) supreme dream queen: _Attached image_

(16:15) Daddy: he says u make him wet too but he likes shirabu for whatever reason

(16:15) Yahaba: For whatever reason

(16:15) NaCl: are you trying to say i’m not likeable

(16:16) Daddy: nvm i think he likes the way shirabu's moans sound

(16:16) Yahaba: Gross

(16:16) spice daddy: wat  
(16:16) spice daddy: shirabu  
(16:16) spice daddy: wat did u do  
(16:16) spice daddy: shirabu ur supposed to be a good boy  
(16:16) spice daddy: i thought you were joking earlier yahaba

(16:16) supreme dream queen: same

(16:16) Daddy: oh shit  
(16:16) Daddy: i wasn't supposed to tell you that

(16:16) NaCl: we are not talking about this

(16:17) spice daddy: shirabu is not a good boy

(16:17) NaCl: :(

(16:17) Yahaba: Awww

(16:17) supreme dream queen: it’s okay i still love you

 

  
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(20:19) everything nice: i think lev has an obsession with beetles

(20:19) Mommy: Why?

(20:19) everything nice: i was walking by him and tsukki the other day and there was a beetle on his shoulder

(20:19) ennoshita: we just saw him playing with a beetle on a tree

(20:19) Mommy: Lev is an interesting person.

(20:20) everything nice: don't tell me u think he's cute

(20:20) Mommy: I kind of do but like how you'd find a child cute. Like how Tsukishima is cute.

(20:20) ennoshita: tsukki might be cute but he’s a little douche

(20:20) everything nice: omg ennoshita said something vulgar

(20:20) Mommy: I never thought I would say this, but I kind of miss Kuroo-san.

(20:20) everything nice: aww ill tell him

(20:20) Mommy: Please don't.

(20:20) ennoshita: i’m sorry i’ll tell tsukki to fill the middle blocker gap in your heart

(20:21) Mommy: Thank you.  
(20:21) Mommy: Tsukishima and Hinata are so endearing.

(20:21) ennoshita: i wonder if our senpais talked about us like this

(20:21) everything nice: idont think that they called me adorable

(20:21) Mommy: You are cute.

(20:21) everything nice: thx akaashi ur adorable

(20:21) Mommy: Ennoshita-san is also very precious.

(20:21) ennoshita: thank you akaashi-san i love you

(20:21) Mommy: Mwah.

(20:21) ennoshita: mwah

(20:21) everything nice: mwah no homo tho

(20:22) Mommy: No homo.

(20:22) ennoshita: ^

(20:22) halfpint: that was the gayest thing i've ever read

 

  
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(17:13) Daddy: hi i’m bored someone entertain me

(17:13) Mommy: Hi, Miya.

(17:13) Daddy: hi babe hru

(17:14) Mommy: I’m well. How are you?

(17:14) Daddy: i'm also well wyd

(17:14) Mommy: I’m taking a break.

(17:14) Daddy: same  
(17:14) Daddy: i'm sad we won't get to see each other all summer

(17:14) Mommy: I have the last week of summer break off and the week of the Interhigh and qualifiers for the Spring High and Nationals. What about you?

(17:14) Daddy: i have the week before that off and the interhigh/qualifiers of course

(17:14) Mommy: Oh, joy.

(17:15) Daddy: i wanna kms

(17:15) Mommy: Please don't.

(17:15) Daddy: i was kidding lol

(17:15) Mommy: You aren't at a camp, are you?

(17:15) Daddy: nah it's just like 6hrs of practice every day plus whatever extra i feel like doing

(17:15) Mommy: Maybe I could come see you during the last week.

(17:15) Daddy: would you?

(17:15) Mommy: Yes.

(17:15) Daddy: ily

(17:15) Mommy: Love is a strong word.

(17:16) Daddy: it’s okay u don't have to love me back

(17:16) Mommy: I like how you say both this and “LOVE ME ALREADY” within a 24-hour period.

(17:16) Daddy: mwah

(17:16) Mommy: I’m not doing that with you.

(17:16) Daddy: fine

(17:16) Yahaba: Get a room

 

  
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(23:12) everything nice: has anyone here seen boku no pico

(23:12) Mommy: I thought you said Bokuto.

(23:12) everything nice: lol u come when u see bokuto

(23:12) NaCl: why are u asking about boku no pico

(23:12) everything nice: lev is watching it and i want to know if it's appropriate for a 16 year old boy

(23:12) NaCl: it’s not

(23:13) everything nice: guess i gotta confiscate his phone

(23:13) NaCl: just tell him not to watch it

(23:13) Mommy: I support Yamamoto-san’s decision. Take it away.

(23:13) NaCl: what why

(23:13) Mommy: I gave Lev my number and he “XD”ed.

(23:13) NaCl: someone stop him

(23:13) everything nice: i’ll talk to him about that too

 

  
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(16:37) spice daddy: shirabu, kawanishi told me your upper thighs were beet red and bruised. is there something you want to tell me

(16:37) NaCl: no

(16:37) spice daddy: did u and semi fuck

(16:37) NaCl: no

(16:37) spice daddy: dont tell me u did miyas brother

(16:38) NaCl: i didn’t

(16:38) spice daddy: okay u may have just been saying that bc i told u to so real talk what happened

(16:38) NaCl: i’m ashamed

(16:38) supreme dream queen: hello i’m here no need to feel ashamed

(16:38) spice daddy: yeah futakuchi is here and he reads barry benson fanfiction dw

(16:38) NaCl: i feel like a whore

 

  
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chat: Daddy and NaCl

(16:38) Daddy: WYD

(16:38) NaCl: i need to let it out

(16:38) Daddy: okay

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

  
(16:38) supreme dream queen: same but why

(16:38) spice daddy: “i feel like a whore” “same”

(16:38) NaCl: i went to miya’s house this weekend to talk to his brother

(16:38) halfpint: “to talk”  
(16:38) halfpint: BTW IM BACK AGAIN GUYS DID U MISS ME MY INTERNET WAS DOWN FOR A WEEK IT WAS GR8 WANTED TO KMS

(16:39) NaCl: yes we missed you very much

(16:39) supreme dream queen: hoshiumi ily

(16:39) spice daddy: <3

(16:39) halfpint: ILY2  
(16:39) halfpint: how was it shirabu

(16:39) NaCl: i’ve never been slapped so many times before

(16:39) spice daddy: didnt think you were into that lmao

(16:39) NaCl: neither did i

(16:39) supreme dream queen: that's really hot

(16:40) halfpint: futashira

(16:40) NaCl: no

(16:40) spice daddy: miyashira

(16:40) NaCl: both of them

(16:40) halfpint: wat

(16:40) supreme dream queen: ARE U SERIOUS

(16:40) NaCl: unfortunately

(16:40) spice daddy: groovy  
(16:40) spice daddy: how did that even happen

(16:40) NaCl: let’s not talk about it

(16:40) supreme dream queen: can u pm me

(16:40) NaCl: i’m not feeding your voyeurism kink, you degenerate

(16:40) halfpint: get rekt

(16:41) spice daddy: please tell us

(16:41) NaCl: no

(16:41) Daddy: allow me the pleasure of embarrassing shirabu

(16:41) NaCl: no

(16:41) Yahaba: I heard embarrassing Shirabu, and I’m here for screenshots

(16:41) Daddy: my brother refused to do extra practice that day so i came home 2.5hrs later  
(16:41) Daddy: and i went into his room to yell at him for leaving me  
(16:41) Daddy: he didn't lock the fucking door  
(16:41) Daddy: i feel like i'm making shirabu relive his shame

(16:41) Yahaba: You probably are

(16:41) Daddy: anyway when i got there they were getting handsy  
(16:42) Daddy: at first i was like gross but then i remembered shirabu wanted to do both of us at once

(16:42) NaCl: i really didn't

(16:42) Daddy: u did lmao

(16:42) NaCl: whatever

(16:42) Daddy: anyway i just went over and slapped shirabu bc he was fucking my brother and then i slapped my brother bc he skipped extra practice even though that's like not mandatory but whatever

(16:42) supreme dream queen: i like where this is going

(16:42) Yahaba: Same

(16:42) Daddy: then i kissed shirabu because he looked really cute

(16:42) NaCl: we’re going to stop there thanks

(16:43) Daddy: why

(16:43) supreme dream queen: why

(16:43) NaCl: let’s not

(16:43) halfpint: let’s

(16:43) Yahaba: ^

(16:43) Daddy: jk let’s stop i can’t talk about this i’m ashamed too

(16:43) NaCl: idiot

(16:43) Mommy: I'm disappointed in you, Atsumu.

(16:43) Daddy: i’m sorry i’ll go drink bleach now

(16:43) Mommy: Shirabu-san, please tell me he was at least good.

(16:43) NaCl: he was alright

(16:44) Daddy: WHAT

(16:44) Mommy: You didn't even make it enjoyable for Shirabu-san?

(16:44) Daddy: HE WAS ENJOYING HIMSELF RIGHT SHIRABU

(16:44) NaCl: no

(16:44) Mommy: Atsumu, if I weren't at a training camp, I would be on a train to Osaka on my way to throw you in a dumpster. How dare you slap Kenjirou?

(16:44) Daddy: that’s what ur upset about

(16:44) Mommy: Very.

(16:44) Yahaba: Ily Akaashi

(16:44) Mommy: I love you, too.

(16:44) Daddy: hurts

 

  
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chat: Mommy and NaCl

  
(16:44) NaCl: i am very sorry. i love you. please don't hate me.

(16:44) Mommy: You have nothing to be sorry about. You're my favorite.

(16:44) NaCl: <3  
(16:44) NaCl: so i wasn't supposed to tell you this but since he outed me  
(16:45) NaCl: atsumu wanted to sleep w me bc he thought it would make you jealous and “realize” your “feelings” for him

(16:45) Mommy: Lol.

 

  
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chat: Daddy and Mommy

  
(16:45) Mommy: Atsumu, I will kill you.

(16:45) Daddy: r u jealous

(16:45) Mommy: Yes.

(16:45) Daddy: aww, keijiiiii

(16:45) Mommy: You got to touch Kenjirou. How lucky.

(16:45) Daddy: ur so mean

(16:46) Mommy: I’ll show you mean.

(16:46) Daddy: please do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote out 3/4 of the shiramiya sex scene in march and i still haven't finished it but I'm gonna try to before i update the next chapter... if it takes too long i'll just like add ch3 and insert the sex scene later and i'll leave a note about it in whichever chapter im on when i put it in okay sound cool thx 
> 
> SORRY ABOUT MY TERRIBLE NOTE GRAMMAR
> 
> AS ALWAYS, THANK YOU FOR READING LOVE U BABES


	3. Shiramiya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is totally nsfw  
> i only skimmed like half of it but it was edited by loleafa (THANK YOU SO MUCH) so like hope you enjoy it if you choose to read it thx it's not incest I swear

Atsumu approached his home, annoyed that his brother was skipping practice and relaxing, getting to ditch when he had to go in the first place and suffer by himself. Sure, his teammates and him got along, and it wasn't like they had problems with each other, but he and Osamu were a package deal. It didn't feel right being there without him.

He unlocked the door and walked in with a sigh. On his way to scold Osamu, he heard a couple of moans, but he just assumed his brother was masturbating, and it wouldn't be a big deal to cut him off.

He deserved it, anyway, for leaving practice.

Atsumu was wrong. His brother was, in fact, not masturbating, and Kenjirou was, in fact, lying on Osamu’s bed directly under him with a flushed face and that indescribable look of pleasure. The boy had his back arched, leaning into Osamu whose body almost caged him.

“Gross. Christ, you two. Unbelievable.”

Kenjirou gave a shriek, trying to cover himself but Osamu just lazily raises his head to look behind him, lips curving into a smirk when he sees Atsumu resting against his doorway with a raised eyebrow, interested look on his face. He’s not totally sure what makes him do so, but he walks right up to Kenjirou and slaps him; not hard enough to hurt but enough to sting the slightest. His eyebrows shoot up when Kenjirou gave a whine, and the dangerous smile that makes way onto his face makes the boy under them squirm, legs rubbing together.

He didn't know what he was doing, but for some reason, it felt right to kiss Kenjirou in this situation. It felt perfect, made him feel like he was going to melt into an actual puddle as the boy’s lips pressed against his own.

Osamu didn't say a word.

Shirabu let Atsumu fit their lips together without much of a fight. He mumbled a “stop,” but he gripped Atsumu’s shirt to pull him closer. Their bodies almost melded together, Osamu hovering beside the two with a curious look on his face.

Pulling away for a brief moment, Atsumu cupped Shirabu’s chin, and whispered, “Why would I stop when you like it?”

Osamu smiled at the way he blushed under Atsumu, and he pushed his brother aside to start undressing Shirabu.

He began by unbuttoning Shirabu’s shirt, and Atsumu worked on the lower half of Shirabu’s body.

“Don't you think Kenjirou is cute, Atsumu?” Osamu looked into Kenjirou’s eyes as he spoke.

“He's lovely,” Atsumu smiled as he began to slip off Kenjirou’s shorts.

Kenjirou only blushed harder when he felt Atsumu’s fingers caress his inner thigh, and the boys’ comments certainly didn't help either.

Kenjirou began to undress Osamu, but he could only unbutton his shirt before he lost any sort of control that he previously had.

Grabbing him by his wrists, Osamu pinned Kenjirou down and pressed their lips together. He moaned against the kiss when Atsumu began leaving trails of kisses down his inner thighs.

The sound left Atsumu smirking and encouraged him to continue. And so, he kissed, sucked, licked, and bit the pale, pink skin over and over until Kenjirou couldn't take it and even after that.

Osamu, on the other hand, was keeping Kenjirou down with one hand; the other was running along Kenjirou’s chest. He bit Kenjirou’s bottom lip with a smile and played with and pinched Kenjirou’s nipple, eliciting another breathy moan.

“You liked that?” Osamu teased.

Kenjirou nodded desperately, and Osamu got off of him to undress himself. Atsumu looked up at Kenjirou with sheer lust as he slipped off Kenjirou’s last article of clothing.

With the curl of a finger, Osamu beckoned Atsumu to come closer over to him, and the two helped each other unclothe. They made sure to do it slowly so as to make Kenjirou wait.

Kenjirou’s eyes trailed down Atsumu’s body, following Osamu’s fingers.

They slipped each other’s shirts off one at a time, and they took their time while doing it. By the time they began to take off each other's pants, Kenjirou was losing patience, so he got up and helped them speed up the process.

“So impatient,” Atsumu smiled.

“Whatever,” Kenjirou muttered and kept going until the two twins were completely naked.

“Get on your knees,” Atsumu demanded, and Kenjirou obliged immediately. He held Atsumu’s cock in his hand, and with a faint, needy smile on his lips that just made him look more like the cock slut Atsumu’d made him out to be, he opened his mouth and placed the erect member on his tongue.

Meanwhile, Osamu drew lubricant from a bottle by the dresser. Both Kenjirou and Atsumu wondered why he had that, but neither of them asked.

“Come here,” Osamu ordered from the bed, and Atsumu helped Kenjirou up before they went over. Osamu’s fingers were lathered generously, and he spread Kenjirou’s cheeks with the help of his brother. The small boy bit his lip and braced himself because he knew what would come next.

Osamu wasn't surprised to find that the boy was tight. Kenjirou let out a quiet cry of pleasure with each sweet movement of those long fingers, and the sound left the twins’ cocks throbbing, blood rushing from their heads straight to their crotches, light sheens of sweat covering their bodies from the anticipation that came from wanting to fuck this boy so bad.

Atsumu changed positions so that Kenjirou could suck him off while Osamu fingered him; he had to stop swirling his tongue every now and then to release a moan, especially when Osamu invited another slick finger inside of him.

The faster Osamu’s fingers moved, the more Kenjirou wanted to cry out. Still thrusting his wondrous fingers, Osamu kissed, sucked, and bit the delicate skin of Kenjirou’s ass until it was left bright red, and Kenjirou would be lying if he said he wasn't taking pleasure in the pain.

Osamu drew back his hand when he thought Kenjirou was ready, and he entered him slowly, earning a moan just as slow. Kenjirou took pleasure in being called a slut by the both of them. His cheeks were flushed bright red, and they only felt hotter with each stroke.

Atsumu ran his long fingers through Kenjirou’s disheveled hair as he deepthroated Atsumu’s cock.  
Osamu, fingers still wet, grabbed Kenjirou’s member, and he began to pump the length. Kenjirou hummed against Atsumu’s erection, and the light blond boy had to suppress his own urge to moan.

Osamu delicately slid his fingers over Kenjirou’s glans, making the latter cry. All the while, Atsumu thrusted his hips just a little too hard. Just before he was going to apologize, he looked into Kenjirou’s desperate eyes, and he knew that he wanted more.

The sound of Kenjirou’s moans against Atsumu’s cock was faint, but it seemed to fill the space throughout the whole room. They felt like vibrations to Atsumu. Watching the way his twin roughly imposed himself on Kenjirou, a smirk crept its way to Osamu’s face.

Still thrusting his hard cock into Kenjirou’s picture-perfect ass, Osamu extended a long arm and roughly took hold of Kenjirou’s face.

“You're such a good slut, Kenjirou.” Atsumu grinned at him, his fingers still gripping Kenjirou’s hair.

“He knows.” Osamu could feel the heat rise to Kenjirou’s cheeks. “Don't you, Kenjirou?”

Kenjirou wanted to reply, but he still had his dignity — that, and Atsumu bucked his hips hard and abruptly until virtually his entire dick was inside the warm, wet atmosphere or Kenjirou’s mouth. Tears welled up in his eyes, but it felt _so_ _good_. Using his grip on Kenjirou’s hair, Atsumu ensured that he stayed right where he was, with a mouthful of cock and another quickly thrusting in and out of his ass.

Atsumu backed up, and Kenjirou’s mouth opened wide as he let out a whine from those pretty lips because the feeling of Osamu penetrating him was just _too fucking much_ , and it was just _too_ _fucking_ _great_. That was all Atsumu wanted to hear, so naturally, he went back in, and in between moans, Kenjirou’s mouth welcomed his cock.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Atsumu asked, knowing fully well that Kenjirou had indeed just let out a cry of pleasure, and he couldn't respond right then because his mouth was otherwise occupied.

Osamu’s fingers gripped Kenjirou’s bare ass, and god, did it feel good when he released that grip just to smack the already blooming red skin. It was such a pretty color for the boy’s ass; the hand mark was a bright crimson, and Kenjirou gave a strangled groan, reduced to an actual pool of nothing as he mouthed over Atsumu’s cock, Osamu’s dragging inside him and and then all he could see was white.


	4. something that rhymes with yay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter takes place over like a week i think i cant remember but it includes like 2 different tournaments bc according to some source that I'm too lazy to find again, the interhigh and miyagi spring high qualifiers are like a week away maybe less idk okay thx love you  
> also osamu is probably ooc bc i wrote this like when we saw that first panel of him and his only quote was "..." lmao

  
On his way out of the bathroom, Atsumu was greeted not only by the smell of salonpas, but also three slaps from Sakusa, Futakuchi, and Hoshiumi.

“What the fuck did I do?” Atsumu frowned and held the side of his face that was hit. Three times.

“That was from Akaashi. He said he would give you one himself, but you'd like that,” Sakusa said before walking away.

“You know, if people were around you guys could have been sent home.”

“I guess it's a good thing that nobody was around,” Hoshiumi laughed and left without so much as a goodbye, but he blew a kiss to Futakuchi right before walking down the hall.

“Just you and me now,” Futakuchi said awkwardly.

“What do you want?”

Futakuchi feigned offense. “Why do I have to  
want something?”

“If you want my brother, he's in the bathroom. We aren't playing today, but try not to wear him out too much.”

“Thanks!”

“Ick,” Miya scoffed.

Futakuchi whistled and walked inside. He saw Osamu instantly and smiled. “Hey.”

“Hi, you're friends with my brother, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Futakuchi walked a little closer to Osamu. “So, I heard about what you did with Shirabu here last year.”

“Please don't think less of me,” Osamu frowned.

“Quite the opposite really.”

“Really?”

Futakuchi smirked and cupped Osamu’s chin. “Really.”

“Oh.” Realization spread across Osamu’s face along with a light pink blush. “Oh.”

Futakuchi leaned into Osamu a little closer until their lips touched.

Osamu gently against the kiss. “Kenji, isn't it?”

“It is.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kenji.”

Futakuchi looked into his eyes smiled back before closing them and kissing his lips again. Futakuchi’s tongue prodded at the part of his lips. They were soft and Futakuchi was able to open them fairly easily.

By now, Osamu’s hands had found their way to Futakuchi’s hips, and Futakuchi’s hands had found their way to Osamu's inner thighs.

Futakuchi began to massage the area, and Osamu let out soft moans every now and then against Futakuchi’s lips.

The way Osamu said his name with that breathy desperation and a flush spread across his face was absolutely perfect.

 

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

  
(18:13) supreme dream queen: miya i need ur brother’s snapchat

(18:13) #1: I made the mistake of walking into the bathroom earlier. You are disgusting.

(18:13) supreme dream queen: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(18:14) Daddy: i’m disturbed

(18:14) NaCl: same

(18:14) supreme dream queen: i’m sry he was irresistible  
(18:14) supreme dream queen: also we won the qualifying round!!

(18:14) halfpint: same!!!!

(18:14) supreme dream queen: rejoice

 

 

  
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(20:13) Yahaba: Miya, do you realize your brother is an actual whore?

(20:13) Daddy: who am i to judge

(20:13) Yahaba: Wow

 

 

  
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(21:17) ennoshita: akaashisan we miss you how are you doing

(21:17) Mommy: We won the first round.

(21:17) ennoshita: good  
(21:17) ennoshita: win for us

(21:17) Mommy: I’ll do my best.

 

  
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(22:18) Daddy: bokutos little brother is like really cute

(22:19) Mommy: Where is he?

(22:19) Daddy: 2nd court center

(22:19) Mommy: Ugh.

 

  
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“Keiji!” Atsumu smiled, and Fukurodani’s first year ace did the same.

“Hi, Atsumu. Bokuto-kun and I have to go.”

“Can I have a hug before you go?”

“No,” Akaashi and his teammate answered simultaneously.

 

 

  
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(22:25) Daddy: that was mean keiji i really wanted a hug

(22:26) Mommy: Bye.

(22:26) supreme dream queen: did u watch akaashi play today

(22:26) Daddy: of course

(22:26) supreme dream queen: ive never seen such graceful movements before

(22:26) Daddy: right it was so beautiful but mine are better

(22:26) supreme dream queen: wow

(22:26) Daddy: i think i face akaashi on the second day of the final round if we both make it that far

(22:27) supreme dream queen: it’s so weird that we call three days worth of matches a final round

(22:27) Daddy: right

(22:27) supreme dream queen: _Attached image_  
(22:27) supreme dream queen: i spotted our favorite germaphobe and his boyfriend

(22:27) halfpint: omg im right by there  
(22:27) halfpint: i wanna go cockblock but im gonna get in trouble if i do lmao

(22:27) supreme dream queen: let’s go cockblock together it's worth it

(22:27) halfpint: kk

(22:28) Daddy: friend goals

 

 

  
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(18:13) supreme dream queen: s o we lost

(18:13) halfpint: :( same

(18:14) Daddy: maybe next time my friends

(18:14) spice daddy: at least u tried ur best right

(18:14) supreme dream queen: it’s not the end of the world

(18:14) halfpint: IT IS

(18:14) Daddy: chill there are two more tournaments

(18:14) halfpint: ok thx

(18:14) Daddy: do u need a hug

(18:14) halfpint: no i already got oneq

(18:14) Daddy: okay

 

 

  
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chat: Daddy and Mommy

(22:07) Daddy: pls send me a pic of ur award  
  
(22:07) Mommy: _Attached image_

(22:07) Daddy: tyyy

(22:07) Mommy: Why do you want to see it?

(22:07) Daddy: idk awards arouse me and i got a different one  
(22:08) Daddy: _Attached image_ seeeeeee

(22:08) Mommy: You're so gross, and I know. I was there. Congratulations.

(22:08) Daddy: ty; ily; u too, and yeah i’m gonna go ask to see komoris now lmao bye babe

(22:08) Mommy: Have fun with that.

 

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

(22:13) #1: Congratulations, Miya Atsumu. You disgust me

(22:13) Daddy: bc i won or bc i asked komori to send a pic of the libero award

(22:13) #1: I didn't even know you asked to see his award, but gross. I meant because you were so rude about it. You told me to suck it when you shook my hand. Who does that? Right in front of a ref?

(22:14) Mommy: Did he actually do that?

(22:14) #1: Unfortunately, yes

(22:14) Daddy: k to be fair he didn't hear bc I whispered also sry the win was overwhelming, and my filter went bye bye, and i rly don't want u to suck it, and i apologize dearly

(22:14) #1: Apology denied

(22:14) Daddy: :( what do u want me to do

(22:14) #1: Try harder

(22:14) Daddy: i’m gonna go brainstorm JUST FOR U

(22:15) #1: Okay

(22:15) Yahaba: You're an actual whore, Miya

(22:15) Daddy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

(22:15) Yahaba: You just flirted with Sakusa

(22:15) Daddy: HES CUTE CAN U BLAME ME

(22:15) Yahaba: Right in front of Akaashi

(22:15) Daddy: at least i didn't do it behind his back amiright

(22:15) Yahaba: And you fucked Shirabu

(22:15) Daddy: t h a t was DIFFERENT

(22:15) Yahaba: What do you mean lol

(22:15) Daddy: IDK I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR ANYONE BUT KEIJI AND I HIGHKEY DID THAT BC I WANTED KEIJI TO LIKE IDK BE JEALOUS OR SOMETHING K BAD DECISION DONT REGRET IT THOUGH BYE

(22:16) Yahaba: That’s disturbing but kind of cute

(22:16) Mommy: Miya’s bad at relationships, to put in simply.

(22:16) Yahaba: I love that you don't care

(22:16) Mommy: Lol

(22:16) Yahaba: You're surprisingly chill

(22:16) Daddy: NO HES NOT  
(22:16) Daddy: HE HAD SEVEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE SMACK ME AT THE INTERHIGH ON THE FIRST DAY AND ONE OF THEM WAS ON MY FUCKING TEAM

(22:16) Yahaba: Never change, Akaashi

(22:16) Mommy: :)

(22:16) Daddy: did u actually smile

(22:16) Mommy: A little bit

(22:16) Yahaba: Awww

(22:17) Daddy: we have been blessed with the smile of akaashi keiji  
(22:17) Daddy: rejoice  
(22:17) Daddy: this is a jubilant occasion

(22:17) Yahaba: I’m amazed that you used a three syllable word

(22:17) Daddy: FUN FACT: I’M NOT AN IDIOT

(22:17) Mommy: I disagree.

(22:17) Daddy: i love you, so i'm just gonna take that

(22:17) Yahaba: Aww

(22:17) Daddy: k i have to go brainstorm an apology, so lateerrrrr

(22:17) Mommy: Bye.

(22:17) Yahaba: Later.

 

 

  
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(01:32) spice daddy: how did u guys come out of the closet

(01:32) supreme dream queen: my sister told my parents i’m gay so that was gr8

(01:32) #1: I told my father that I was joining the volleyball team, and he said, “What a great way to meet guys.” I still don't know if he was serious.

(01:32) NaCl: i’m actually not quite out yet :’)

(01:32) Akaashi Keiji: I told my father that I’m gay, and he shrugged and continued eating his rice.

(01:33) Daddy: my brother just said “atsumu is gay” bc he was salty that i ate his food and i rly wanted to hit him bc my mom was like don't start wearing my panties but she was jk and idk if she thought he was kidding too so am I really out of the closet idk

(1:33) ennoshita: go to sleep

(1:33) spice daddy: i just told my mom im something that rhymes w yay and she was like idk what r u and i said gay and she was like haha and idk if she took me seriously

(1:33) supreme dream queen: lmao

(1:33) ennoshita: you guys it's 1:33

(1:33) spice daddy: time is an illusion bb

(1:33) ennoshita: i am not a baby

(1:33) supreme dream queen: maybe but ur a babe

(1:33) ennoshita: you're not

(1:33) supreme dream queen: you wound me

 

 

  
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(12:13) Daddy: someone help me re-evaluate my life

(12:13) supreme dream queen: THERAPIST FUTANARI IS HERE

(12:13) Daddy: hi futanari is that ur pseudonym or something

(12:14) supreme dream queen: YES IM RELATIONSHIP GURU FUTANARI PARTTIME THERAPIST

(12:14) Daddy: k futanari im gonna fucking kill myself

(12:14) supreme dream queen’s name has been changed to pls dont kys

(12:14) pls dont kys’s name has been changed to i was kidding

(12:14) i was kidding’s name has been changed to fuck me

(12:14) fuck me’s name has been changed to futafuckme

(12:14) futafuckme: well k why do u want to kill urself

(12:14) Daddy: bc im retarded

(12:14) futafuckme: that's not pc; jk i mean u knew how to spell pseudonym u can't be that stupid

(12:15) Daddy: idk like i have a fan club  
(12:15) Daddy: and  
(12:15) Daddy: i hate them all  
(12:15) Daddy: but instead i like someone who has like -5 interest in me  
(12:15) Daddy: i feel like that's p fucking stupid

(12:15) futafuckme: yeah maybe  
(12:15) futafuckme: ur approach to it is fuckin dumb too

(12:15) Daddy: what do i do, futanari

(12:15) futafuckme: idk buy him owl stickers or something

(12:15) Daddy: k

(12:15) futafuckme: AKAASHISAN

(12:15) Daddy: how come u guys use an honorific when u talk to him

(12:15) futafuckme: respect 

(12:15) Daddy: o

(12:16) Mommy: Yes?

(12:16) futafuckme: what kind of things do u like in a lover

(12:16) Mommy: Thick thighs.

(12:16) futafuckme: same

(12:16) Daddy: am i thick enough for you

(12:16) Mommy: Yes.

(12:16) futafuckme: what else

(12:16) Mommy: Nice.

(12:16) Daddy: can't say that's a word i’d use to describe myself

(12:16) Mommy: Lol

(12:16) futafuckme: gimme a list

(12:16) Mommy: I don't know.  
(12:16) Mommy: Smart would be nice as well as entertaining and admirable.

(12:16) Daddy: am i admirable

(12:16) Mommy: I guess, but you're stupid.

(12:17) futafuckme: at least he's entertaining

(12:17) Daddy: yeah i can entertain u

(12:17) Mommy: How?

(12:17) futafuckme: he can play volleyball and dance

(12:17) Mommy: He can't dance.

(12:17) futafuckme: but it would be funny to watch him try wouldn't it

(12:17) Daddy: no

(12:17) Mommy: Are you advertising Atsumu to me?

(12:17) futafuckme: ooh u called him atsumu u likeeeee himmmmm

(12:17) Mommy: Goodbye.

(12:17) Daddy: damn it futanari

(12:17) futafuckme: pls akaashi sama

(12:18) Mommy: I don't want your product.

(12:18) Daddy: did u srsly just say sama ur like the most irreverent person i know

(12:18) Mommy: You know what irreverent means?

(12:18) Daddy: IM SO DONE

(12:18) futafuckme: would u please fill out this survey to tell me why you're dissatisfied with the product

(12:18) Mommy: Later.

(12:18) futafuckme: k let me write one lmao

(12:18) Daddy: i am not a product

(12:18) Mommy: Shut up.

(12:18) futafuckme: shut up

(12:18) Daddy: keiji u owe me a kiss to make up for being mean

(12:18) Mommy: Bye.

(12:19) futafuckme: sassy ‘kaashi

(12:19) Daddy: ughhhh hes mean

(12:19) futafuckme: hot right

(12:19) Daddy: yes :(

 

 

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(13:07) everything nice: a cute boy smiled at me  
(13:07) everything nice: so what do i do  
(13:08) everything nice: i glare at him  
(13:08) everything nice: kill me  
(13:08) everything nice: i then proceed to stalk him by asking around and find out that he's gay and the captain of the soccer team  
(13:08) everything nice: fml

(13:08) NaCl: how cute is he

(13:08) everything nice: solid 10

(13:08) NaCl: smile at him the next time you see him

(13:08) everything nice: i’ll try but i think he's someone else’s property

(13:09) NaCl: what

(13:09) ennoshita: he means he thinks the soccer guy is “claimed” by another person

(13:09) NaCl: what that's a thing  
(13:09) NaCl: i could have claimed eita

(13:09) ennoshita: now you know

(13:09) everything nice: yeah my friend likes him  
(13:09) everything nice: fuck :(

(13:09) ennoshita: there are plenty of other gay soccer fish in the sea

(13:09) NaCl: what ennoshita said

(13:09) everything nice: thanks guys u make me feel slightly better

 

 

  
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(17:15) Daddy: sakusa i sent an edible arrangement to ur house w/ a typed apology note

(17:16) #1: What kind of food?

(17:16) Daddy: cantaloupe and shit

(17:16) #1: It took you long enough, but I forgive you

(17:16) Daddy: <3

(17:16) #1: No

(17:17) Daddy: k then

 

 

  
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(11:03) ennoshita: how are you guys doing at spring high qualifiers

(11:03) everything nice: tbd

(11:03) Yahaba: Winning

(11:03) spice daddy: ^

(11:03) futafuckme: ^

(11:03) NaCl: winning

(11:03) ennoshita: me too

(11:03) NaCl: futakuchi, goshiki says he wants to fight you

(11:04) futafuckme: y  
(11:04) futafuckme: tell him to come at me

(11:04) NaCl: remember last time; he feels threatened by you    
(11:04) NaCl: he said why don't you come to him

(11:04) futafuckme: idk i don't wanna fight

(11:04) NaCl: he just screamed and walked into a tree

(11:04) futafuckme: lmao

(11:05) NaCl: i guess i should go see if he's okay

(11:05) spice daddy: where r u i wanna see goshiki

(11:05) NaCl: outside of the building to the west. we’re at that park with the seesaw

(11:05) spice daddy: k

(11:05) futafuckme: he probably just wanted to see kawanishi

(11:06) NaCl: ew

 

 

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(15:45) NaCl: guess who's going to the spring high, bitches

(15:45) Daddy: congrats

(15:46) Yahaba: Way to rub salt in the wound  
(15:46) Yahaba: You only passed Miyagi qualifiers not Tohoku qualifiers

(15:46) NaCl: you would say the same thing if you won

(15:46) Yahaba: Fuck you

(15:46) Daddy: there's like a 50% chance he'll get through tohoku qualifiers i think he's going to the spring high lmao

(15:46) NaCl: thank you, miya

(15:46) Daddy: love ya

(15:46) Yahaba: Slut

(15:46) ennoshita: i apologize on yahaba’s behalf

(15:46) Daddy: apology accepted  
(15:47) Daddy: what was the final score anyway

(15:47) NaCl: 25-22; 23-25; 27-25; 28-30; 24-22

(15:47) Daddy: u took a 15pt set to 24

(15:47) NaCl: yahaba was desperate

(15:47) Daddy: do u think he’ll make nationals

(15:47) NaCl: idk it depends on the match ups and whether the team is having an off couple of days and how the opponents are feeling

(15:47) Daddy: yeah i guess so

 

 

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(17:19) Mommy: Congratulations, Shirabu-san.

(17:19) NaCl: thank you <3

(17:19) Mommy: <3

(17:19) ennoshita: that was cute

(17:19) Daddy: why don't u heart me like that

(17:20) Mommy: You're mean.

(17:20) everything nice: rejected

(17:20) Daddy: fuck me in the ass  
(17:20) Daddy: im gonna go google how to be nice

(17:20) ennoshita: it’s sad that you can google how to be nice these days  
(17:20) ennoshita: kids are so reliant on the internet

(17:20) everything nice: you sound like my 89yo granddad

(17:20) ennoshita: your granddad is 89?

(17:20) everything nice: he had my mom when he was like 45 lmao

(17:20) ennoshita: imaging turning 65 when your child is 19

(17:20) NaCl: you really put things in perspective

(17:20) everything nice: wow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy pride month and happy birthday iwachan lol


	5. and the next thing u know, there's bacon licking my sausage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a strange chapter

  
(10:12) Daddy: day 2 of trying to be nice update: i want to kill myself

(10:12) halfpint: loser

(10:12) Daddy: yeah well aren't you just a fucking ball of sunshine

(10:13) #1: That wasn't very _nice_

(10:13) everything nice: roasted

(10:13) Daddy: yamamoto  
(10:13) Daddy: is2g

(10:13) halfpint: smd

(10:13) everything nice: pissed on

(10:13) Daddy: :)

(10:13) everything nice: um

(10:13) halfpint: lmao

(10:13) everything nice: r u ok

(10:13) Daddy: I’m great!

(10:14) halfpint: pls stop

(10:14) ennoshita: miya, you're scaring the children

(10:14) Daddy: But I'm being nice?

(10:14) everything nice: it’s scary when you type like that

(10:14) halfpint: his iq is scary

(10:14) everything nice: roasted

(10:14) Daddy: suck my fucking cock

(10:14) ennoshita: being nice doesnt suit you miya

(10:14) Daddy: im gonna kill myself

(10:14) Mommy: Please don't.

(10:14) Daddy: okay

(10:15) everything nice: awww

(10:15) ennoshita: cute

(10:15) halfpint: i ship it

 

 

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“Love me already, Keiji,” Miya groaned into his phone.

“Give me one hundred good reasons why.”

“Give me one hundred good reasons why you love Bokuto.”

“Okay, I have a list,” Akaashi’s voice was firm.

“Fuck.”

Akaashi didn't have a physical list, but his lips curved into a slight smile because Miya believed him.

“Keiji?”

“Yeah?”

Miya’s heart pounded. “Do you like me?”

“Yes.”

“Really? Like as a person?”

“I like you.”

“Where are you?” Miya heard crickets chirping in the background.

“I'm outside of one of the gyms.”

“I really wish I could be with you right now.”

“I wish so, too.”

Miya wanted to scream, but he held back. “Not that I'm complaining, but why are you being so nice to me?”

“We all have to be nice sometimes.”

“Keiji, you're killing me.”

“I'm tired of being nice; I'm going to hang up now.”’

“Keiji!”

Akaashi yawned, then pressed the red phone button with a slight grin.

 

 

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(17:12) Daddy: do you guys think i’m suicidal

(17:12) NaCl: yes

(17:12) Daddy: why

(17:12) Yahaba: Takes one to know one

(17:13) NaCl: die  
(17:13) NaCl: you say you want to kill yourself a lot

(17:13) Daddy: i said it 13 times in 3hours  
(17:13) Daddy: something along the lines of that anyways

(17:13) Yahaba: Anyways isn't a word

(17:13) Daddy: anyway*

(17:13) NaCl: how do you know it was 13 times

(17:13) Daddy: osamu told me i’m suicidal, and i said no i’m not, and he said he was going to count how many times i say it each day for the next week to prove that i’m suicidal

(17:13) NaCl: lmk the final count

(17:13) Daddy: lol i was just about to subconsciously type i’m going to kill myself

(17:13) Yahaba: You need help

(17:13) NaCl: he's fine

(17:14) Yahaba: You say that, but you're in denial of your own troubled mind

(17:14) Daddy: i’m going to agree with shirabu on this one

(17:14) Yahaba: I’m a psychology expert, thank you very much

(17:14) NaCl: you've literally been taking psych for half a semester

(17:14) Yahaba: I repeat, I’m a psychology expert, thank you very much

(17:14) Daddy: psychologist yahaba

(17:14) NaCl: no

(17:14) Yahaba: Yes

(17:14) NaCl: yahaba is the type to laugh when his patient says he or she is plotting a murder

(17:14) Daddy: gotta get that grammatically correct wordiness

(17:15) Yahaba: Lol  
(17:15) Yahaba: I would laugh

(17:15) NaCl: that's not a good thing

(17:15) Mommy: Hi, I only read the last few messages, but I agree with Yahaba.

(17:15) Daddy: what's wrong with you two

(17:15) NaCl: to quote yahaba, something went wrong in the womb

(17:15) Yahaba: I wasn't supposed to be born

(17:15) Daddy: i like to believe my brother was the unplanned +1

(17:15) Mommy: But it was probably you.

(17:15) NaCl: ^

(17:15) Daddy: you guys are so mean to me

(17:15) Yahaba: You're easy to make fun of

(17:15) Mommy: ^

(17:15) NaCl: can't argue with that

(17:16) Daddy: i'm just gonna take that because keiji is here

(17:16) Mommy: What if I wasn't?

(17:16) Yahaba: He’d probably just tell us to suck his dick

(17:16) NaCl: not much to suck

(17:16) Daddy: shirabu i swear to god

(17:16) Mommy: Lol

(17:16) everything nice: rekt

(17:16) Yahaba: Yamamoto always appears with the most wonderful interjections

(17:16) Mommy: ^

(17:16) Daddy: im gonna chug clorox

(17:16) Mommy: No.

(17:16) Daddy: nvm

 

 

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(07:13) spice daddy: anyone up

(07:13) Mommy: Yes.

(07:13) spice daddy: i need to fanboy

(07:13) Mommy: Let it all out.

(07:13) spice daddy: _Attached image (7)_  
(07:13) spice daddy: i have more but thats enough for rn  
(07:13) spice daddy: taichi is so cute  
(07:14) spice daddy: and hot  
(07:14) spice daddy: and nice  
(07:14) spice daddy: and chill  
(07:14) spice daddy: hes like just perfect i wanna scream

(07:14) Mommy: I’m happy for you two.

(07:14) spice daddy: fr ily akaashi

(07:14) Mommy: Likewise.

(07:14) spice daddy: i mean not like i love taichi but  
(07:14) spice daddy: u get it

(07:14) Mommy: I get it.

(07:14) spice daddy: do u think saying ily so early in the relationship like we did is unhealthy

(07:14) Mommy: I’m not sure. Maybe not.  
(07:14) Mommy: Love at first sight?

(07:14) spice daddy: yeah i guess so

(07:14) Mommy: It’s crazy to think that you could fall in love with someone after one look.

(07:14) spice daddy: i think miya fell in love w/ u after his first look at u in like 3 yrs lmao

(07:14) Mommy: That disturbs me.

(07:14) spice daddy: date him

(07:15) Mommy: Maybe later.

(07:15) spice daddy: so ur saying theres a possibility ;)

(07:15) futafuckme: god u guys  
(07:15) futafuckme: itshould be a crime to be awake this early

(07:15) spice daddy: sry this isnt fuckin north korea where our sleep schedules r regulated futakuchi

(07:15) futafuckme: k then

(07:15) Mommy: Good morning, Futakuchi-san.

(07:15) futafuckme: akaashi ur so polite and so smart and so pretty like can i be you wtf

(07:15) Mommy: Thank you. :)

(07:15) futafuckme: ywwww <3  
(07:15) futafuckme: anyway what's all this relationship talk i hear

(07:15) Mommy: Terushima-san is in love.

(07:15) spice daddy: kawanishi makes me swoon  
(07:15) spice daddy: and there's a possibility of akamiya

(07:15) futafuckme: akaashisan i encourage u to date miya atsumu  
(07:16) futafuckme: teru i am amazed that you and kawanishi have made it this far

(07:16) spice daddy: same lmao  
(07:16) spice daddy: ive never been in love before  
(07:16) spice daddy: feels nice

(07:16) futafuckme: awww

(07:16) Mommy: Aww.

(07:16) spice daddy: why do i feel like that was condescending

(07:16) Mommy: I’m sorry.

(07:16) futafuckme: i'm not

(07:16) spice daddy: ily guys

 

 

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(13:42) halfpint: i stepped on an ant and i almost cried because i took away a life and that little ants family isnt gonna get back its dad or mom or daughter or son or ant idk :(

(13:42) ennoshita: that was very empathetic of you

(13:42) halfpint: i feel like a dick

(13:42) ennoshita: it’s okay. you're not a dick

(13:43) halfpint: r u sure :(

(13:43) ennoshita: yes, i’m sure

(13:43) halfpint: i feel like a murderer

(13:43) ennoshita: it’s natural selection

(13:43) halfpint: ur ruthless

(13:43) ennoshita: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(13:43) halfpint: i cant believe u did tjat

(13:43) ennoshita: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(13:43) halfpint: omg

(13:44) ennoshita: you're not thinking about the ant anymore, are you?

(13:44) halfpint: well now i am :(

(13:44) ennoshita: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(13:44) halfpint: ennoshita pls

(13:44) ennoshita: how's it going with pear

(13:44) halfpint: im a pussy

(13:44) ennoshita: declare your love for him in front of everyone so he has no choice but to say yes

(13:44) halfpint: ur evil

(13:44) ennoshita: do it

(13:44) halfpint: maybe lmao

(13:44) ennoshita: let me know how it goes

(13:45) halfpint: i will

 

 

  
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(02:13) futafuckme: why do people not like nutella

(02:13) everything nice: idk y do people pronounce it nut-ella

(02:13) futafuckme: bruh  
(02:13) futafuckme: do people actually do that

(02:14) everything nice: yeah its disgusting

(02:14) futafuckme: mindblown

(02:14) everything nice: have u ever met someone who doesnt like chocolate

(02:14) futafuckme: yeah

(02:14) everything nice: how can one not like chocolate

(02:14) futafuckme: shitty palate

(02:15) everything nice: i just visualized tht and all i have to say is disgusting

(02:15) futafuckme: gross lmao

(02:15) everything nice: how u doin

(02:15) futafuckme: can’t sleep

(02:15) everything nice: do u have insomnia or something

(02:15) futafuckme: idk should i see a doctor

(02:15) everything nice: probably but i cant sleep bc i drank a lot of coffee and that was a bad idea  
(02:15) everything nice: kill me

(02:15) futafuckme: that sucks

(02:16) everything nice: _Attached video_  
(02:16) everything nice: thats my team sleeping

(02:16) futafuckme: theyre kinda cute

(02:16) everything nice: all my sons are cute  
(02:16) everything nice: even lev

(02:16) futafuckme: lolcant say the same about mine

(02:16) everything nice: lol ur libero is cute

(02:16) futafuckme: yeah koganegawa has a crush on him  
(02:16) futafuckme: hes shooting for the moon

(02:16) everything nice: u sure think a lot of koganegawa

(02:17) futafuckme: can u blame me  
(02:17) futafuckme: look AT HIM  
(02:17) futafuckme: would u wanna smash

(02:17) everything nice: ya he's cute

(02:17) futafuckme: cant see him that way bc he's like my child 

(02:17) everything nice: look at him from the perspective of ur libero

(02:17) futafuckme: theyre friends ig

(02:17) everything nice: koganegawa is cute

(02:17) futafuckme: endearing  
(02:17) futafuckme: idk he confuses me

(02:17) everything nice: like lev

(02:18) futafuckme: yes like lev

(02:18) everything nice: whats the liberos name

(02:18) futafuckme: sakunami

(02:18) everything nice: kogesaku is my new otp

(02:18) futafuckme: i’ll be sure to let them know

(02:18) everything nice: pls do

(02:18) futafuckme: gn man

(02:18) everything nice: gnnn

 

 

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(08:13) spice daddy: ????i woke up on a park bench???

(08:14) futafuckme: r u a hobo

(08:15) spice daddy: i am wondering that myself  
(08:15) spice daddy: idk y i was there  
(08:15) spice daddy: do u think my parents missed me bc i have no missed calls

(08:15) futafuckme: arent they out of town on an anniversary sweet escape thing

(08:15) spice daddy: o yeah

(08:15) futafuckme: lol

(08:15) spice daddy: im surprised i woke up w my phone still there

(08:16) futafuckme: no one robs hobos

(08:16) spice daddy: fr  
(08:16) spice daddy: i thought they mugged each other

(08:16) futafuckme: something is wrong with you

(08:16) NaCl: i thought the same thing as terushima to be honest

(08:16) spice daddy: ha ha futafucki SUCJ it

(08:16) futafuckme: terushima are you okay

(08:16) spice daddy: autocorrect is a bitch im sorry

(08:17) NaCl: futafucki?

(08:17) spice daddy: dont ask bc i have no idea

(08:17) futafuckme: nice

(08:17) spice daddy: futakuchi have i ever told u how much i love u

(08:17) futafuckme: do you need a ride from the park

(08:17) spice daddy: yes pls

(08:17) NaCl: why don't you just ask your boyfriend

(08:17) spice daddy: well bc i look like a hobo rn

(08:17) futafuckme: can we group call to see how teru looks like a hobo  
(08:17) futafuckme: u know w the webcam and shit

(08:18) NaCl: yes please

(08:18) spice daddy: fine but its not a webcam if it's on the phone u geezer 

 

Terushima’s hair was disheveled, and there were a couple of leaves in there, too. Did he really not notice until he turned on the front-facing camera? He huffed, and Futakuchi laughed at him from what appeared to be outside of his front door. Shirabu laughed, too, with Kawanishi right beside him in his dorm room.

“Man, you had Kawanishi with you? I trusted you,” Terushima pouted.

“He doesn't care.” Shirabu rolled his eyes. “He, like, loves you, or whatever…” He trailed off.

Kawanish nodded and said, “I love you, Yuuji.”

“We know,” Shirabu deadpanned.

“Awwww!” Futakuchi grinned.

“I love you, too!” Tears almost welled up in Terushima’s eyes.

"Feels like I'm playing a supporting role in some homosexual soap opera!” Futakuchi said with grin.

“There's dirt on your eyebrow, Yuuji,” Kawanishi said flatly.

“The main love interest isn't very romantic, as you can see,” Shirabu gestured towards Kawanishi.

“Booo!”

After sheepishly brushing off dirt from his face, Terushima looked behind himself only to see a man talking to himself and circling a tree nearby. The sheer look of terror on his face when he turned back to face his friends was worth more than a Persian Koh-I-Noor 105 carat diamond.

“Please save me.”

 

 

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(20:17) Mommy: Futanari-san, what does it feel like to be in an open relationship?

(20:18) futafuckme: gr8 + h8

(20:18) Yahaba: Please never do that again

(20:18) futafuckme: h8er

(20:18) Mommy: Please expand.

(20:18) Yahaba: Yes, please expand

(20:19) futafuckme: like  
(20:19) futafuckme: it’s nice to not feel restricted or w/e  
(20:19) futafuckme: but when ur babe wants to fuck another whore  
(20:19) futafuckme: feels bad  
(20:19) futafuckme: i mean itdoesnt feel that bad because i know it's just  
(20:19) futafuckme: a sex thing  
(20:19) futafuckme: i mean he doesn't love anyone but me  
(20:19) futafuckme: and whoever he bangs is just  
(20:19) futafuckme: it's just bc i can’t be there to do it for him yknow  
(20:20) futafuckme: like he can't be here to do it for me when i um  
(20:20) futafuckme: have sex with someone or masturbate i guess

(20:20) Mommy: Forgive me for asking, but have you had sex with anyone else?

(20:20) futafuckme: like 3 ppl  
(20:20) futafuckme: can’t remember the names except one  
(20:20) futafuckme: kiko something like that  
(20:20) futafuckme: honestly i met them all through terushima when we were both making bad decisions and i was horny

(20:20) Mommy: Fun.

(20:20) Yahaba: What kind of bad decisions?

(20:20) futafuckme: well when we got our fake ids there was some girl who looked very very /attractive/ and i just hadto  
(20:20) futafuckme: didnt get her name or number lol not that i wanted to

(20:21) Mommy: You have a fake ID?

(20:21) futafuckme: wanna see

(20:21) Mommy: It’s fine.

(20:21) futafuckme: lmao k  
(20:21) futafuckme: and then we used our fake ids to get into a club to celebrate him reading his first book of the year

(20:21) Yahaba: What an accomplishment

(20:21) Mommy: ^

(20:21) futafuckme: despite him being in book club, it was a 10/10 big accomplishment, not at all a 'wow, finally' sort of thing

(20:21) Yahaba: Wow

(20:21) futafuckme: anyway we went to a strip club this time  
(20:21) futafuckme: female bc terushima didn't want to have gay temptations like he just wanted to enjoy a show idk he's so fuckin weird i love him  
(20:21) futafuckme: anyway  
(20:21) futafuckme: i started talking to this hottie because she was there and i was bored  
(20:22) futafuckme: anyway somewhere along the line i lifted up her skirt and she was a he and things surprisingly didn't go downhill from there because i mean we did it

(20:22) Mommy: I beg your pardon.

(20:22) futafuckme: i sucked off a dude that looked like a girl; it was fabulous

(20:22) Yahaba: That’s something I’ll have to add to my bucket list

(20:22) futafuckme: it’s quite the experience, my friend

(20:22) Yahaba: I’m sure  
(20:22) Yahaba: Anyway, what was your third time like?

(20:22) futafuckme: there was a cute boy in a bacon costume and i said hi and one thing led to another and the next thing u know, there's bacon licking my sausage

(20:22) Mommy: I love you, Futakuchi-san, but something is wrong with you.

(20:22) futafuckme: hey akaashi  
(20:22) futafuckme: are u a virgin

(20:23) Mommy: Yes, I am.

(20:22) Yahaba: Really?

(20:23) Mommy: Is that a bad thing?

(20:23) futafuckme: no

(20:23) Yahaba: Not at all  
(20:23) Yahaba: It’s cute lmao

(20:23) futafuckme: very

(20:23) Mommy: That makes me feel like I shouldn't be a virgin.

(20:23) futafuckme: akaashi, you make me feel like a degenerate

(20:23) Yahaba: Futakuchi, even Terushima probably makes you feel like a degenerate

(20:23) futafuckme: im telling mom

(20:23) Mommy: Please play nice.

(20:24) Yahaba: Oh my god

(20:24) futafuckme: ha HA  
(20:24) futafuckme: mom is on my side

(20:24) Yahaba: Momma’s boy

(20:24) futafuckme: cuckold

(20:24) Yahaba: Slut

(20:24) futafuckme: cumsucker

(20:24) Yahaba: Cunt

(20:24) futafuckme: whore

(20:24) Yahaba: Floozy

(20:24) NaCl: that’s our thing, thank you very much

(20:25) Yahaba: Right, I didn't mean to cheat on you, Shirabitch

(20:25) futafuckme: sry

 

 

  
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(05:13) Daddy: help i cnat sleep

(05:13) ennoshita: hello, miya

(05:13) Daddy: heyyyy

(05:13) ennoshita: want me to type you a lullaby

(05:13) Daddy: it’s cool

(05:14) ennoshita: awkward. i was halfway through typing goodnight moon

(05:14) Daddy: lmao

(05:14) ennoshita: how's life been treating you

(05:14) Daddy: summer hw is hard  
(05:14) Daddy: volleyball is great  
(05:14) Daddy: love life is shitty  
(05:14) Daddy: so pretty good 

(05:14) ennoshita: lol yeah

(05:14) Daddy: how about you how's your life going

(05:15) ennoshita: well, tanaka is tanaka

(05:15) Daddy: u guys are goals on instagram

(05:15) ennoshita: he ate a pencil  
(05:15) ennoshita: literally  
(05:15) ennoshita: he munched off the wood  
(05:15) ennoshita: right in front of me  
(05:15) ennoshita: “an intimidation tactic”

(05:15) Daddy: i’ve never spoken to tanaka personally but i love him already

(05:15) ennoshita: yes he is interesting  
(05:15) ennoshita: summer hw is going well  
(05:15) ennoshita: volleyball is not so well

(05:16) Daddy: what's important is that u tried your best and u had fun right

(05:16) ennoshita: yeah

(05:16) Daddy: is tobio doing well

(05:16) ennoshita: oh, kageyama  
(05:16) ennoshita: i really can't tell with him  
(05:16) ennoshita: everyone except him knows he likes hinata, and it's really awkward

(05:16) Daddy: send him my best regards  
(05:16) Daddy: tell him to get it

(05:16) ennoshita: will do


	6. you're getting a tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fmk + yahaba is happy + terushima is a square + kanken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has come to my attention that i haven't updated in over a week (8dayslmao) i apologize  
> also i wrote this during the prime of 13 reasons why (show version ofc) that's why it's #dated okay only by a couple months but still

 

(14:13) NaCl: miya, can you tell your brother to not text me every five minutes because that would be great

(14:17) Daddy: we r playing volleyball rn  
(14:17) Daddy: if i tell him to stop, he'll serve to my head even if it isn't his turn to serve

(14:17) NaCl: i will come there and castrate the both of you

(14:18) Daddy: fine i told him to stop

(14:18) NaCl: good

 

 

  
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(14:33) Daddy: pls text him shirabu senpai

(14:33) NaCl: wtf

(14:33) Daddy: he keeps saying “when i was your age” every minute and telling me what he did like 5 mins ago bc he was born 5 mins earlier and i can't take it

(14:34) NaCl: i fail to see how this is my problem

(14:34) Daddy: i guess i’ll just drink bleach then and leave a note  
(14:34) Daddy: “shirabu kenjirou is the reason i killed myself”  
(14:34) Daddy: wait, no  
(14:34) Daddy: you're getting a tape  
(14:34) Daddy: everyone here is getting a tape

(14:34) everything nice: OMG I WANT A TAPE

(14:34) NaCl: me too  
(14:35) NaCl: can't wait to see what you put on it

(14:35) Daddy: fuck u kenjirou he just pulled another one “i was drinking water when i was ur age”

 

 

  
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(22:13) spice daddy: hey im bored wanna play fmk

(22:13) Mommy: What's fmk?

(22:13) spice daddy: fuck marry kill

(22:13) Mommy: Sure.

(22:13) spice daddy: bokuto kuroo and ushijima

(22:13) Mommy: How do you know them?

(22:13) spice daddy: i have my sources ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(22:13) Mommy: Kill Kuroo-san.

(22:14) spice daddy: lmao

(22:14) Mommy: Marry Bokuto-san, and fuck Ushijima-san.

(22:14) spice daddy: god theyre fine asf i wanna marry them all

(22:14) Mommy: Gross.

(22:14) NaCl: what are we doing

(22:14) spice daddy: scroll up fmk

(22:14) NaCl: marry ushijimasenpai fuck bokutosan kill kuroosan

(22:14) spice daddy: nah im marrying kuroo (he so hot why do u guys not like him) fucking bokuto and killing ushijima

(22:14) NaCl: why what did ushijima do

(22:14) spice daddy: he doesnt have the knee pads

(22:15) Mommy: ^

(22:15) NaCl: yeah they’re pretty hot to be honest

(22:15) spice daddy: akaashi~ give us one

(22:15) Mommy: Atsumu, Osamu, and Yahaba-san.

(22:15) spice daddy: o boi

(22:15) NaCl: marry yahaba fuck osamu kill atsumu

(22:15) Mommy: Shocking.

(22:15) spice daddy: yahaba should b here for a screenshot soon lmao  
(22:15) spice daddy: marry atsumu fuck osamu and i am dearly sorry yahaba ilyvm but TWINS

(22:15) NaCl: what about u akaashi

(22:16) Mommy: Marry Atsumu, fuck Yahaba, and kill Osamu.

(22:16) Daddy: s c r e e n s h o t t e d

(22:16) Mommy: Fuck off.

(22:16) everything nice: rejected

(22:16) spice daddy: shirabooboo give us one

(22:16) NaCl: harry styles zayn malik and niall horan

(22:16) spice daddy: oo ur going all western on us  
(22:16) spice daddy: i like it lmao

(22:16) Mommy: Marry Niall, fuck Zayn, and kill Harry.

(22:16) spice daddy: wat  
(22:16) spice daddy: u cant kill harry

(22:17) Mommy: He's not for me.

(22:17) spice daddy: olg  
(22:17) spice daddy: omg*  
(22:17) spice daddy: marry harry fuck zayn kill niall

(22:17) NaCl: i hate to agree with terushima but same

(22:17) spice daddy: ;)

(22:17) Mommy: I don't see the appeal.

(22:17) spice daddy: ok let's do second yrs

(22:17) NaCl: kuguri goshiki and tsukishima

(22:17) Mommy: Marry Tsukishima, fuck Kuguri, and kill Goshiki.

(22:17) spice daddy: i love goshiki what  
(22:17) spice daddy: marry goshiki fuck kuguri bye bye tsukki

(22:17) NaCl: kill goshiki

(22:17) Mommy: Ha.

(22:17) NaCl: marry kuguri fuck tsukishima

(22:18) spice daddy: oh my god  
(22:18) spice daddy: suna kawanishi and sakusa

(22:18) Mommy: This is hard because I don't know them very well.

(22:18) NaCl: terushima i can assure you that kawanishi and i are just friends  
(22:18) NaCl: but marry him, fuck sakusa, kill suna

(22:18) spice daddy: sunas so cute tho but same

(22:18) Mommy: Marry Suna, fuck Sakusa, and I'm very sorry Kawanishi

(22:18) spice daddy: i forgive u on his behalf

(22:18) NaCl: let’s do aces  
(22:18) NaCl: futakuchi tanaka and sakusa

(22:18) spice daddy: marry my baby shag sakusa and im sryyyy tanaka

(22:18) Mommy: Oh, God.

(22:19) NaCl: they're all terrible choice to marry tbh i regret this

(22:19) Mommy: Marry Tanaka, fuck Futakuchi. Sorry, Sakusa.

(22:19) NaCl: can't believe im saying this but  
(22:19) NaCl: marry sakusa  
(22:19) NaCl: fuck tanaka bc he has a better body and kill futakuchi

(22:19) spice daddy: awww come on

(22:19) Mommy: Semi-san, Oikawa-san, and Moniwa-san.

(22:19) NaCl: marry semi ofc fuck moniwa and oikawa can shove it

(22:19) spice daddy: lmao  
(22:19) spice daddy: marry oikawa provided that we can fuck all day  
(22:19) spice daddy: fuck moniwa bc he's so cute  
(22:19) spice daddy: kill semi bc im not stepping on ur territory

(22:19) NaCl: i’m glad you understand

(22:19) Mommy: Marry Moniwa-san, fuck Oikawa-san, and kill Semi-san.  
(22:20) Mommy: To be honest, if you weren't dating Semi-san, I would marry him instead.

(22:20) NaCl: it's cool man

(22:20) Mommy: <3

(22:20) NaCl: <3

(22:20) spice daddy: aww

(22:20) spice daddy: okay setter edition in our grade  
(22:20) spice daddy: akaashi: shirabu, yahaba, and miya  
(22:20) spice daddy: shirabu: akaashi, yahaba, and miya

(22:21) Mommy: Marry Shirabu, fuck Atsumu, sorry, Yahaba.

(22:21) NaCl: marry akaashi, fuck yahaba, not sorry, miya

(22:21) spice daddy: savage

(22:21) Mommy: Nishinoya, Shibayama, and Komori.

(22:21) spice daddy: o god  
(22:21) spice daddy: fuck komori bc his dick is probably the biggest  
(22:21) spice daddy: marry nishinoya (bc shibayama is like a baby and idk i cant)

(22:21) NaCl: idk shibayama so kill him sorry marry komori and fuck nishinoya

(22:21) Mommy: Same

 

 

  
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(21:13) Yahaba: Guess who's going to nationals, bitches

(21:13) NaCl: suck a cock but good job

(21:14) Yahaba: Haha

(21:14) ennoshita: i’m proud of you but jealous at once

(21:14) futafuckme: same

(21:14) everything nice: uve done me a proud

(21:14) Yahaba: <3

(21:14) everything nice: <3

(21:14) halfpint: see u there ;)

(21:14) Yahaba: ;)

(21:14) futafuckme: are they flirting

(21:14) NaCl: who knows

(21:14) Daddy: cONGRATS

(21:15) Yahaba: Thank you

 

 

  
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(01:17) futafuckme: hello

(01:17) Daddy: is it me you're looking for

(01:17) futafuckme: no what's ur return policy

(01:17) Daddy: no refunds

(01:18) futafuckme: u know what's like the worst thing ever

(01:18) Daddy: angst fanfic

(01:18) futafuckme: no when ur backpack strap breaks while ur walking

(01:18) Daddy: yeah that's pretty bad too

(01:18) futafuckme: wait uve read fanfic lmao

(01:18) Daddy: it’s a long story  
(01:18) Daddy: i regret it dearly

(01:18) futafuckme: tell me the long story

(01:18) Daddy: no

(01:19) futafuckme: come on

(01:19) Daddy: i googled myself  
(01:19) Daddy: i found was miyacest  
(01:19) Daddy: and i died in the end because i was a fucking bee and i stung him  
(01:19) Daddy: just thinking about it makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out

(01:19) futafuckme: if u guys weren't related that would be totally hot tho

(01:19) Daddy: .

(01:19) futafuckme: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(01:19) Daddy: .

(01:20) spice daddy: im gonna have to agree w futakuchi on this one

(01:20) Daddy: what the fucking hell

(01:20) futafuckme: welcome teru

(01:20) spice daddy: ty ty

(01:20) Daddy: what are you guys doing next weekend wanna hang out

(01:20) futafuckme: yes

(01:20) spice daddy: k i know im not supposed to be rational but like  
(01:20) spice daddy: dont u guys have practice

(01:20) Daddy: fuck that let's skip

(01:20) futafuckme: ^

(01:20) spice daddy: why are you captains

(01:21) Daddy: has having a boyfriend turned you square

(01:21) spice daddy:

 

that's an actual photo of me

(01:21) futafuckme: what the fuck  
  
(01:21) spice daddy: anyway whatdya wanna do

(01:21) Daddy: you'll see

(01:21) futafuckme: you don’t know yet do you

(01:21) Daddy: nope

 

 

  
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“How do we even make a prank call on this thing?” Terushima held Miya’s landline in his hand and squinted his eyes when he looked at it.

“Let me try.” Futakuchi started pressing buttons aimlessly.

“Have you guys never used a landline before? I thought you were from the farmland?” Osamu took the phone out of Futakuchi’s hands and dialed Atsumu’s phone number.

After a few seconds, Atsumu picked up; Osamu handed the phone to Futakuchi who began speaking in a raspy voice, “Back in my day, we didn't have those fancy pear phones!”

Atsumu’s voice was loud enough for all three of the boys to hear. “Okay, I'm literally right outside, and I can see you talking to me through my window. And why would you prank call me with _my_ home phone?”

Atsumu unlocked the door, and in he came, holding grocery bags. He set the bags down on the kitchen floor. “Now that that’s taken care of, let's do something fun.”

“Ding dong ditch,” Terushima said.

“God, Teru, why are you such a punk?”

Terushima stuck his pierced tongue out at Atsumu in response.

 

 

  
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Terushima set the paper brown bag to flame hastily and knocked on the door before running as quietly as possible to behind a bush with the rest of his friends.

Terushima, of course, tripped on his way to the bush, and Futakuchi had to pull him over.

“This was a bad idea,” Osamu said, “I hope you get in trouble, Atsumu.”

“Shut up!” Atsumu yelled as soon as the wooden door squeaked open. He covered his own mouth and smacked himself.

“He's looking at us,” Futakuchi said. “Oh shit, he's coming forward.”

Leaving the burning bag of dog shit on his porch unextinguished, Suna walked toward the bush that wasn't even a third of a meter tall and looked down at the boys disappointedly.

“Atsumu, I could hear you before I even opened my door.”

 

 

  
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“Does anyone have a fake ID?” Atsumu asked.

“Really, Atsumu?” Osamu asked flatly, all the while Terushima was wiggling his eyebrows and waving his fake in the air.

“Give me a break; I just cleaned flaming dog shit, okay?”

Futakuchi cringed at the thought of touching feces, but Terushima and Osamu muffled snickers.

 

 

  
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(01:12) spice daddy: akaashi  
(01:12) spice daddy: _Attached image_  
(01:12) spice daddy: u got ur husband fucked up

(01:12) Mommy: What did I do?

(01:12) futafuckme: well we tried to prank call people bc we were bored

(01:13) spice daddy: that didnt work out

(01:13) futafuckme: then we played ding dong ditch

(01:13) spice daddy: with flaming dog shit bc miya was pissed at his teammate (i forgot y)

(01:13) futafuckme: long story short we got caught and miya cleaned it all up and it touched him and shit

(01:13) Mommy: Lol

(01:13) futafuckme: teru is obnoxiously cackling that u laughed at miya’s suffering

(01:13) spice daddy: bc its funny lmao

(01:13) futafuckme: okay yeah it's pretty funny  
(01:13) futafuckme: anyway terushima brought his fake id and then bought vodka and now miyas wasted and he was rambling to us about how mean u are and how he doesn't know why he even likes u and then he just said he loves u and loves all of us here except osamu and passed out

(01:13) Mommy: He should be nicer to his brother.

(01:13) spice daddy: lmao u donr even care

(01:13) Mommy: I care a little bit.

(01:14) futafuckme: awwwww

(01:14) Mommy: Did you guys have fun?

(01:14) spice daddy: yes mother

(01:14) Mommy: Good.

(01:14) futafuckme: so when r u guys gonna date

(01:14) Mommy: I don't know.

(01:14) spice daddy: will u ever date

(01:14) Mommy: I don't know.

(01:14) futafuckme: pls u guys would be so cute and disgusting

(01:14) Mommy: Lol no.

 

 

  
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(13:27) halfpint: so i just got back from the park w/ the bae

(13:28) #1: Does he know he's “the bae”?

(13:28) halfpint: probably not

(13:28) #1: You should tell him you like him.

(13:28) halfpint: what do i do

(13:28) #1: What do you mean?

(13:28) halfpint: like i cant just be like hey hot stuff im a slut for u it has to be spectacular

(13:28) #1: I can't help you with that. Maybe Futakuchi or Terushima can.

(13:28) futafuckme: so u called

(13:28) halfpint: yes babe i need help asking pear out

(13:28) futafuckme: two words: volleyball cake.

(13:29) #1: Komori says you should put balloons in his room and have pictures of you guys attached to them

(13:29) futafuckme: lol kamasaki did that for our anniversary  
(13:29) futafuckme: i think that's more of an already a couple sort of thing

(13:29) #1: That's actually kind of cute

(13:29) halfpint: WHY CANT I HAVE A LOVE LIKE THAT

(13:29) futafuckme: if u get him a volleyball cake he'll love u

(13:29) halfpint: NO I WOULD TRY TO SPIKE IT AND THAT WOULDNT BE GOOD

(13:29) futafuckme: that would be funny asf if u spiked the cake all over him

(13:29) halfpint: HELP ME DO SOMETHING GLAMOROUS

(13:29) futafuckme: one word: serenade

(13:29) halfpint: ok

(13:30) futafuckme: u can sing?

(13:30) halfpint: a little  
(13:30) halfpint: my mom made me play the piano when i was younger

(13:30) futafuckme: u should totally write a song for him  
(13:30) futafuckme: and sing it in a suit

(13:30) halfpint: im gonna get to writing my friend

(13:30) futafuckme: gl dear

(13:30) halfpint: <3

(13:30) everything nice: u should add candlelight

(13:31) halfpint: o n i t

 

 

  
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(17:17) Mommy: Do you ever wonder,  
(17:17) Mommy: Why does everyone have this backpack?  
(17:17) Mommy:

 

(17:17) ennoshita: most people have jansports at my school

(17:17) Daddy: kanken is rly popular here bc we’re basic  
(17:18) Daddy: i have a nike bag tho

(17:18) ennoshita: akaashi-san, you look like you have a kanken or a designer ck bag

(17:18) Mommy: I have both.

(17:18) Daddy: what do u have ennoshita

(17:18) ennoshita: herschel

(17:18) Daddy: i bet u carry a polaroid in it

(17:18) ennoshita: jokes on you  
(17:18) ennoshita: i stopped carrying that last year

(17:18) Mommy: I have one in my backpack.

(17:19) ennoshita: what

(17:19) Daddy: wat

(17:19) Mommy: Ennoshita-san, I am willing to bet that you carry a Fujifilm X-T2.

(17:19) Daddy: didn't know you were a hipster

(17:19) ennoshita: i do carry one actually

(17:19) Mommy: Lol

 

 

  
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(08:17) everything nice: is it just me or is it adorable when u see a bunch of elementary schoolers holding onto the rope thing crossing the street

(08:17) halfpint: its adorable

(08:17) everything nice: they're just so  
(08:17) everything nice: TINY

(08:17) halfpint: ikr theyre so cute :)

(08:17) everything nice: i want to babysit now

(08:17) halfpint: same but i can't be trusted to take care of children  
(08:17) halfpint: gonna go play w my little sister ttyl

(08:17) everything nice: kk lol

 

 

  
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(20:13) Mommy: Has anyone watched 13 reasons why?

(20:13) Daddy: thought u would've known when i said ur all getting a tape lmao

(20:13) Mommy: How many times did you cry?

(20:13) Daddy: like 12

(20:13) Mommy: Oh, good.

(20:13) Daddy: y

(20:13) Mommy: It was the first time I cried since I was eight, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one who cried.

(20:13) Daddy: awwww keiji that's so cute

(20:14) Mommy: If you made a tape about me me, what would you even say?

(20:14) Daddy: something like constant rejection lmao

(20:14) Mommy: That isn't a reason to kill yourself.

(20:14) Daddy: ur right it's a reason to try harder  
(20:14) Daddy: that's why i keep ~trying~

(20:14) Mommy: Try even harder.

(20:14) Daddy: wtf keiji ur mean

(20:14) Mommy: I am what I am.

(20:14) Daddy: pl s kiss me

(20:14) Mommy: No.

(20:14) Daddy: kill*

(20:14) Mommy: I’ll consider it.

(20:14) Yahaba: What the fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who do u think would win nationals during the second gen captains' reign lmao 
> 
> T B H i think karasuno or shiratorizawa would've,,, but i made yahaba win and i completely forgot why   
> it just seemed appropriate 
> 
> ANYWAY i'm gonna try to finish the last chapter within 2 weeks, and then i'll spam post if i actually finish it, but i probably won't because I'm a lazy fuck


	7. I would rather take a Jagdkommando Tri-dagger to the jugular

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoshiumi has a love life + band gossip + nudes + daddy + akamiya having the child talk + marriage counseling

 

(19:12) futafuckme: hoshiumi how’s ur love affair going

(19:12) halfpint: im in the middle of the creative process but ive purchased supplies

(19:12) futafuckme: u should get one of those beauty and the beast rose glass things

(19:12) halfpint: fuck thats good im on it

 

  
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(15:40) NaCl: have you guys ever heard band kid gossip

(15:40) Yahaba: Yes. It's honestly the best.

(15:40) NaCl: there's so much drama

(15:41) Yahaba: That’s what makes it so good.

(15:41) NaCl: and the colorguard kids are always thrown into the mix

(15:41) Yahaba: And all the band kids are dating the ones in colorguard

(15:41) NaCl: and then there's that one awkward break up that tears apart a friend group

(15:41) Yahaba: Always lmao

(15:41) NaCl: let me tell you a story

(15:41) Yahaba: Please do

(15:41) NaCl: okay so there's this boy who messages literally every freshman girl on instagram like “ur so pretty let me stroke your hair”

(15:42) Yahaba: “let me stroke your hair”

(15:42) NaCl: i swear to god that's what he wrote. i read the message myself

(15:42) Yahaba: Dying

(15:42) NaCl: so he started messaging my friend to the point that he was one of her best friends on snapchat even though she doesn't reply to him lmao  
(15:42) NaCl: and she made a catfish account  
(15:42) NaCl: claiming that she goes to seijoh  
(15:42) NaCl: holy shit there was a huge flash of lightning outside of my window and i thought i was gonna have a seizure  
(15:42) NaCl: okay back to the story  
(15:42) NaCl: so like she put up a pic of one of her friends and messaged him hey  
(15:42) NaCl: and he was like hey :)))) what's up  
(15:42) NaCl: and she was like nothing just admiring how cute you are  
(15:42) NaCl: and he sent her a paragraph on how beautiful she is  
(15:42) NaCl: she didn't answer for five days

(15:43) Yahaba: What a tease

(15:43) NaCl: wait it gets better  
(15:43) NaCl: so she answered again like sorry i got my phone taken away (after continually leaving him on read)  
(15:43) NaCl: and she sent him a paragraph about why he's beautiful  
(15:43) NaCl: and he was like haha that's so sweet but why'd u get ur phone taken away  
(15:43) NaCl: and she said catfishing  
(15:43) NaCl: and he's like haha fun  
(15:43) NaCl: and he keeps asking her to meet  
(15:43) NaCl: and sending her more paragraphs that she leaves on read

(15:43) Yahaba: L o l he probably gets left on read so much that he doesn't care

(15:44) NaCl: honestly  
(15:44) NaCl: i kind of feel bad for him though because some kid in the band is logged into his insta on his phone  
(15:44) NaCl: and he like sends screenshots of the messages he sends girls to his friends in some group chat

(15:44) Yahaba: He shouldn't send the messages in the first place lmao

(15:44) NaCl: dude  
(15:44) NaCl: he sent me one once in first year

(15:44) Yahaba: That's how you know he's desperate

(15:44) NaCl: i'm leaking your nudes

(15:44) Yahaba: Worth it

 

  
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(18:01) ennoshita: is no one else going to ask why shirabu allegedly has yahaba’s nudes

(18:01) #1: Honestly, do we want to know?

(18:01) ennoshita: fair point

 

  
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(21:23) futafuckme: YAHASHIRA IS REAL

(21:23) Mommy: I ship it.

(21:23) futafuckme: SAME

(21:23) Mommy: They seem like a cute couple.

(21:23) futafuckme: IKR

(21:23) NaCl: akaashi-san, you’re my favorite person in the chat, but shut the fuck up

(21:23) Mommy: That shouldn't have made me laugh.

 

  
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(08:57) Daddy: i just saw the cutest baby  
(08:57) Daddy: and then i just realized it was a midget in a cart with a con artist and i’m very confused

(08:57) everything nice: what's wrong with you

(08:57) Daddy: good question

 

  
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(13:19) everything nice: HELP

(13:19) Mommy: What's wrong?

(13:19) everything nice: MY SISTER CAME AND SAW LEV AT PRACTICE AND I THINK HE LIKES HER BACK AND I CANT LET HER DATE THAT BEHEMOTH

(13:20) Mommy: You should sit down and have a talk with her.

(13:20) everything nice: I TRIED IT DIDNT WORK  
(13:20) everything nice: WHAT DO I DO  
(13:20) everything nice: please kill me

(13:20) Mommy: Well, I won't kill you, but I find it very interesting that she likes Lev despite their two-year age gap. I think you should let them date and see what happens.

(13:20) everything nice: TERRIBLE ADVICE

(13:20) Mommy: Please. It'll be fun.

(13:21) everything nice: i'm afraid there's nothing i can do anyway  
(13:21) everything nice: fuck me in the ass

(13:21) Mommy: Go exchange “bro nudes” with one of your buddies. Maybe you'll feel better.

(13:21) everything nice: BRO NUDES  
(13:21) everything nice: I FORGOT THAT WAS A THING  
(13:21) everything nice: NOW IT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE WHEN SHIRABU SAID HE WOULD LEAK YAHABAS NUDES

(13:21) Mommy: Lol I don't think they were intentionally exchanging nudes for some reason.

 

  
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Chat: NaCl and Yahaba

  
(13:24) Yahaba: You didn't actually, right?

(13:24) NaCl: no, dumbass

(13:24) Yahaba: I thought you said you deleted them.

(13:24) NaCl: off my phone. they're still on my blackmail flash drive

(13:24) Yahaba: Thank god

(13:25) NaCl: lol you actually thought i would

(13:25) Yahaba: Fuck you  
(13:25) Yahaba: I bet you jerk off to them

(13:25) NaCl: i bet you jerk off to terushimas

(13:25) Yahaba: I didn't even screenshot those

(13:25) NaCl: snapchat is such a terrible thing. it’s so easy to send something so personal and private to the _wrong_  person

(13:25) Yahaba: Don't tell me you've never done it

(13:25) NaCl: i actually haven't

(13:25) Yahaba: You look like the type to check whom you're sending them to for ten minutes before clicking send when the mood’s already died

(13:26) NaCl: i don't send nudes

(13:26) Yahaba: What the fuck do you and Semi do then?

(13:26) NaCl: f a c e t i m e

(13:26) Yahaba: Oh my god, ew

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

  
(15:17) futafuckme: can i ask a hypothetical question

(15:17) #1: Yes

(15:17) futafuckme: so let's say someone was willing to pay you 600 000 yen to jerk off on webcam

(15:17) #1: What the fuck

(15:17) futafuckme: would u do it

(15:17) #1: Who is this?

(15:18) futafuckme: shh it’s hypothetical

(15:18) #1: No, it’s not

(15:18) futafuckme: how do u know

(15:18) #1: You wouldn't be asking otherwise

(15:18) futafuckme: i have a sugardaddy

(15:18) #1: That’s illegal

(15:18) futafuckme: only for a couple more monthssss

(15:18) #1: Why am I still talking to you

(15:18) futafuckme: bc we’re *:・ﾟ✧/friends/*:・ﾟ✧

(15:19) #1: How long have you known him, and has he ever lied to you?

(15:19) futafuckme: 3 months and no

(15:19) #1: Do it

(15:19) futafuckme: kk

(15:19) #1: Can I have new volleyball shoes after you get paid?

(15:19) futafuckme: size

(15:19) #1: 30

(15:19) futafuckme: u got it

(15:20) Daddy: what the fuck ew

(15:20) #1: Coming from someone whose Skype name is Daddy

(15:20) futafuckme: get rekt

(15:20) Daddy: how old is your daddy

(15:20) futafuckme: idk like 30  
(15:20) futafuckme: he's in tokyo a lot so i only see him on the weekends

(15:20) Daddy: what does he do

(15:20) futafuckme: some business analyzing shit

(15:20) Daddy: and he just has 600000 to blow when he wants to see you touch yourself

(15:20) futafuckme: he usually gives me like ¥50000 but since this is on webcam and it's been like 2 weeks since he visited~

(15:20) Daddy: you're so fucked up

(15:21) futafuckme: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(15:21) #1: Where is your boyfriend during all of this?

(15:21) futafuckme: he doesn't care lmao

(15:21) Daddy: honestly if akaashi did that i would cry and we aren't even dating

(15:21) futafuckme: kamasaki has a sugar daddy too  
(15:21) futafuckme: it’s nice

(15:21) Daddy: you guys are so fucking weird

(15:21) #1: ^

(15:21) futafuckme: weird is my normal

(15:21) Daddy: i can't even

(15:21) futafuckme: can u odd

 

  
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(18:07) everything nice: futakuchi how did you even

(18:07) spice daddy: rmbr that time he and i went to visit u

(18:08) everything nice: ya

(18:08) spice daddy: after we left ur house we had some discourse on the way home  
(18:08) spice daddy: we were walking down the street and we saw a hot old guy (old being like 29-33)  
(18:08) spice daddy: anyway i pointed him out to futakuchi and i was like daddy and futakuchi thought it would be funny to wink

(18:08) everything nice: “and i was like daddy”

(18:08) spice daddy: shut up u would say the same thing lmao  
(18:08) spice daddy: it turned out daddy was a gay  
(18:08) spice daddy: who found futakuchi fucking adorable  
(18:08) spice daddy: and he gave futakuchi his card and futakuchi called and one thing led to another

(18:08) everything nice: so his sugar daddy is hot

(18:08) spice daddy: very

(18:09) everything nice: i want one

(18:09) spice daddy: there are probably lots in tokyo u should go find one lmao

(18:09) everything nice: what do i do just wink at random hot old guys in suits

(18:09) spice daddy: idk yeah lmao

(18:09) everything nice: sounds good

(18:09) spice daddy: gl dont do it alone

(18:09) everything nice: thanks love

(18:09) spice daddy: <3

(18:09) everything nice: <3

(18:09) NaCl: tsk tsk… if kawanishi saw you hearing someone else

(18:09) spice daddy: HE WOULD BE UNDERSTANDING OF MY LOVE FOR MY BRO

(18:09) NaCl: lol wanna find out

(18:10) spice daddy: maybe later

(18:10) NaCl: k then

 

  
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(09:33) Mommy: Is it weird that I kind of want a baby?

(09:34) Daddy: keiji, i swear to god, if you impregnate some trashy, soon-to-be 16-year-old who wants to be on one of those sixteen and pregnant shows, i will kill you and the baby

(09:34) Mommy: I won't impregnate anyone; I'm very gay, but thank you for your concern.

(09:34) Daddy: not just gay

(09:34) Mommy: Very.

(09:34) Daddy: why do u want a baby  
(09:34) Daddy: kids are annoying

(09:34) Mommy: They're so little and squishy and soft.

(09:34) Daddy: do u have a soft spot for babies

(09:35) Mommy: I love tiny things/beings in general.

(09:35) Daddy: i feel like we’re 30 and we’re trying to have a baby and we’re having /that/ talk

(09:35) Mommy: I want ten kids.

(09:35) Daddy: what the hell keiji

(09:35) Mommy: If I consider dating you, that implies that I wouldn't mind our relationship progressing to marriage and until the day we die, so I thought it was important that you know I want ten children.

(09:35) Daddy: k babe where do u want to adopt from

(09:35) Mommy: South Africa, America, Brazil, India, two from Japan, Australia, England, Spain, and Italy.

(09:35) Daddy: you never fail to surprise me, keiji

(09:35) Mommy: I want one to be mixed if possible.

(09:35) Daddy: whatever you want darling

(09:35) halfpint: you guys are gross

(09:36) Daddy: sry not sry

(09:36) Mommy: Mixed children are so adorable.

(09:36) Daddy: why don't you become a kindergarten teacher or something

(09:36) Mommy: I would rather take a Jagdkommando Tri-dagger to the jugular than take such a low-paying job.

(09:36) Daddy: i love you so much

(09:36) Mommy: You're not bad either, I guess.

(09:36) Daddy: i feel like that shouldn't have made me so happy

 

  
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(19:12) halfpint: HAS ANYONE HEARD OF PROM THIS IS URGENT

(19:13) ennoshita: yes

(19:13) halfpint: WHY DONT WE HAVE THOSE  
(19:13) halfpint: I WANT TO PROMPOSE

(19:13) ennoshita: i don't know why  
(19:13) ennoshita: a prom would be nice

(19:13) halfpint: i want one so bad

(19:13) ennoshita: why don't you talk to a teacher or administrator about it?  
(19:13) ennoshita: i’m sure they'd let you do it as an extracurricular

(19:13) halfpint: funds though :(

(19:13) ennoshita: ask students to donate for their first prom  
(19:14) ennoshita: you can't be the only student who wants a prom

(19:14) halfpint: do u think ppl are gonna pay to go to an unheard of school dance

(19:14) ennoshita: sell it well

(19:14) halfpint: yes sir

 

  
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(22:37) Yahaba: Someone. Help.

(22:37) NaCl: what

(22:37) Yahaba: Not you

(22:38) NaCl: asshole

(22:38) Yahaba: Fine, I’ll tell you  
(22:38) Yahaba: Kyoutani wants us to go to a therapist. Like, a marriage counselor or something

(22:38) NaCl: what the fuck you're only 17  
(22:38) NaCl: and you haven't even been dating for a year

(22:38) Yahaba: Exactly

(22:38) NaCl: do it

(22:38) Yahaba: Shirabu, you're supposed to be on my side for this one

(22:38) NaCl: come on, yahaba

(22:38) Yahaba: Why?

(22:38) NaCl: it'll entertain me to know that you're suffering

(22:38) Yahaba: I hate you

(22:38) NaCl: why does he even want to go in the first place

(22:39) Yahaba: I told him that he eats too violently and he got pissed, and then he was being a dick at practice, and I shoved him against the wall, but we didn't kiss, and he got pissed again  
(22:39) Yahaba: I think he just wants someone to tell him he doesn't eat violently

(22:39) NaCl: lol im gonna recommend him a therapist now

(22:39) Yahaba: I fucking hate you

(22:39) NaCl: you would do the same thing to me

(22:39) Yahaba: Ugh  
(22:39) Yahaba: Eat a dick

(22:39) NaCl: maybe later

(22:39) Yahaba: I can't

 

  
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(03:17) everything nice: somebody once told me

(03:17) halfpint: that the world was gonna roll me

(03:17) futafuckme: i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

(03:17) ennoshita: go to sleep

 

  
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(09:28) ennoshita: siri what is the meaning of life  
(09:28) ennoshita: sorry i opened the chat and apparently hitting the little microphone button does not mean siri

(09:29) spice daddy: i love it when parents dont know how to use technology its so cute

(09:29) ennoshita: i’m not a parent?

(09:29) spice daddy: so cute

 

  
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(14:17) Daddy: i made 206 suicide/general death references over the past 7 days

(14:17) spice daddy: i sur do noylike a guy with horizontol slits on his wrist

(14:17) Daddy: what the fuck, teru

(14:17) spice daddy: bad desisions

(14:18) Daddy: what's with your typos

(14:18) spice daddy: buzzes  
(14:18) spice daddy: buzzed

(14:18) Daddy: nice

(14:18) spice daddy: oks stay alive 4 me

(14:18) Daddy: i’m not suicidal

(14:18) spice daddy: r u sure

(14:18) Daddy: yes

(14:18) spice daddy: i lov you

(14:18) Daddy: love you, too, teru

(14:18) spice daddy: i told kawanishu that i lobe him and he says he lovvs me back :))))))

(14:18) Daddy: you guys are sickeningly cute

(14:18) spice daddy: hes my worlddddd

(14:18) Daddy: awww

(14:19) futafuckme: you should get help, atsumu

(14:19) Daddy: stop talking to osamu gdi like 8 ppl sent me that exact message already bc of his stupid snapchat story

(14:19) futafuckme: lmao

 

  
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(17:13) ennoshita: you know what's the worst

(17:13) Daddy: everything

(17:13) ennoshita: when you break the handle off of your sink and it takes like 10 tries to put back on

(17:13) Daddy: i’m sry u have to deal with that

(17:14) ennoshita: thank you for sympathizing

(17:14) Daddy: yeah ofc  
(17:14) Daddy: i don't think sink handles are supposed to break off

(17:14) ennoshita: me either

 

  
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(10:12) halfpint: does anyone else hear voices when they're home alone bc im lowkey terrified™ pls help me

(10:12) Yahaba: Hoshiumi, I am concerned

(10:12) halfpint: ugh same ( ◢д◣)what do i do

(10:13) Yahaba: Get a frying pan

(10:13) halfpint: like a grandma

(10:13) Yahaba: They're good for protection, Hoshiumi

(10:13) halfpint: ugh ill keep you updated

(10:13) Yahaba: I’ll pray for you

 

  
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(10:34) halfpint: my friend came over  
(10:34) halfpint: apparently the door wasn't locked  
(10:34) halfpint: and i hit him with a frying pan lol oops

(10:34) Yahaba: He should have knocked

(10:34) halfpint: ikr

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun facts regarding the word fuck in this fic:
> 
> in the 14ish chapters I've written, some form of the word fuck appears 150 times in this fic, excluding futakuchi's screenname
> 
> fuck has been used 24 more times in this fic than the previous one in the series
> 
> Shirabu (42 fucks) and Miya (30 fucks) say fuck the most 
> 
> Shirabu says the first five fucks (what a salty kid)
> 
> the only characters that have not said fuck as far as ch 7 are Hoshiumi and Ennoshita


	8. national jizz stain day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> futakuchi is sad and horny... scratch that they're all horny (nobody is innocent in this fic why am i like this) + lots of jizz stains + prom progress + one extremely awkward and weird akamiya conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl this chapter is 56% akamiya   
> ehm if ur not a fan of the ship u can like stop reading when the chat switches to akaashi and miya like it won't affect the story (???what story???)

(20:12) futafuckme: lol sometimes im like i want a boyfriend but i have a boyfriend but he lives so far away and im in my feelings rn and im actually crying

(20:13) Mommy: This is a stupid question, but are you okay?

(20:13) futafuckme: i try to be  
(20:13) futafuckme: i need a drink

(20:13) Mommy: Alcoholism is bad.

(20:13) futafuckme: it numbs the pain

(20:13) NaCl: i’m coming over, loser

(20:13) futafuckme: come wipe my tears

(20:13) NaCl: ugh okay

(20:13) Mommy: You're such a good friend, Shirabu-san.

(20:13) NaCl: i try, akaashi-san, i try

(20:14) Mommy: Good luck.

(20:14) NaCl: thanks

(20:14) futafuckme: dont text and drive

(20:14) Mommy: Futakuchi-san is so cute.

(20:14) NaCl: i guess

(20:14) futafuckme: u rly think so

(20:14) Mommy: Yes.

(20:14) futafuckme: ugh  
(20:14) futafuckme: now i get why miya likes you

(20:14) NaCl: he meant you're adorable not that he wants to fuck you

(20:14) futafuckme: i wanna fuck everyone right now honestly i am so sorry

(20:15) Mommy: Use a condom.

(20:15) NaCl: akaashi.

(20:15) Mommy: Yes?

(20:15) futafuckme: i would never

(20:15) NaCl: we aren't going to

(20:15) Mommy: Oh, it seems that I've misread the situation.

(20:15) everything nice: i just got here a minute ago but i would bet my life that they fuck anyway

(20:15) NaCl: no

(20:15) futafuckme: i mean only if he wanted to

(20:15) NaCl: futakuchi.

(20:15) futafuckme: ur hot though

(20:15) Mommy: I agree.

(20:15) NaCl: what is happening

(20:15) futafuckme: idk

(20:15) NaCl: i’m walking to your house since it's not that far from the school

(20:15) futafuckme: don't drink and walk

(20:15) everything nice: what the fuck

(20:16) Mommy: Futakuchi-san, have you already had something to drink?

(20:16) futafuckme: barely anything  
(20:16) futafuckme: u would probably notice if i was drunk lmao  
(20:16) futafuckme: like in the way i type

(20:16) Mommy: I am very confused right now. Goodbye.

(20:16) NaCl: what

(20:16) everything nice: idk

(20:16) futafuckme: idk either  
(20:16) futafuckme: i highkey wanna hit on akaashi but hes lowkey miyas “property”

(20:16) NaCl: do it

(20:16) everything nice: enabler

(20:16) NaCl: shut up with your fucking hipster minimalist comments

(20:16) everything nice: lmao

(20:16) futafuckme: i cant  
(20:16) futafuckme: it physically pains me

(20:16) everything nice: cute

(20:16) NaCl: taketora. stop. it. with. the. minimalism.

(20:16) everything nice: fine

(20:17) NaCl: i almost threw my phone

(20:17) futafuckme: yamamoto have i ever told you how much i love you

(20:17) everything nice: ly2 bro

(20:17) futafuckme: <3

(20:17) NaCl: why do i talk to you guys

(20:17) futafuckme: because you love us too

(20:17) NaCl: i guess

(20:17) futafuckme: we should make out

(20:17) NaCl: what the fuck

(20:17) everything nice: futashira

(20:17) NaCl: why am i on the bottom

(20:17) futafuckme: because your ass is bigger

(20:17) NaCl: i feel so attacked right now

(20:17) everything nice: that was a compliment

(20:18) NaCl: are you saying you agree with him

(20:18) everything nice: i mean  
(20:18) everything nice: he isn't wrong

(20:18) NaCl: i feel sexually harassed

(20:18) futafuckme: youre honestly so hot though shirabu

(20:18) NaCl: i hate this group chat

(20:18) everything nice: real friends tell you you're hot

(20:18) NaCl: you're getting a tape

(20:18) everything nice: label it minimalism and i wanna be the 4th one

(20:18) NaCl: fuck you

(20:18) everything nice: with pleasure

(20:18) NaCl: you've changed

(20:18) futafuckme: yamamoto i dont know what happened to you but i like it

(20:18) everything nice: my little sister said she doesnt like lev and hes sulking and thats worse than them having a disgusting relationship and i am unhappy

(20:18) futafuckme: i love drugs

(20:18) NaCl: well, that's nice

 

  
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(12:33) futafuckme: have you ever left the house with a jizz stain on your pants and not noticed until you were out and someone was like lol what’s that there

(12:34) spice daddy: YES

(12:34) Yahaba: No. What the fuck?

(12:34) futafuckme: it's the worst, right

(12:34) spice daddy: IKR

(12:34) Yahaba: How could you not notice?

(12:34) futafuckme: it was on the back of the pants and i just walked out without noticing

(12:34) spice daddy: SAME

(12:34) Yahaba: You would not believe the second hand embarrassment that just washed over me

(12:34) futafuckme: lmao

(12:34) spice daddy: i was going to see kawanishi when i did it

(12:34) Yahaba: How did he take to the cum stain?

(12:35) spice daddy: he laughed at me and told me to be more careful

(12:35) futafuckme: goals

 

  
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(14:47) halfpint: i emailed a teacher about prom and she said ok  
(14:47) halfpint: ennoshita pls help idk what to do now

(14:47) ennoshita: why don't you ask pear about prom and you guys can do research together

(14:47) halfpint: youre a god thx

 

  
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(18:13) halfpint: i asked him

(18:14) ennoshita: what did he say

(18:14) halfpint: he said theres a jizz stain on your pants

(18:14) spice daddy: thats the worst right

(18:14) ennoshita: i have nothing to say

 

  
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(22:13) ennoshita: is it national jizz stain on pants day because i just saw one on tanaka’s hamstring

(22:13) Yahaba: I’m done

(22:13) Mommy: I just noticed one on a nice pair on my dresser. :(

(22:13) Yahaba: Woah  
(22:14) Yahaba: You masturbate?

(22:14) Mommy: Yahaba-san, I’m a seventeen-year old teenage male.

(22:14) ennoshita: i have to leave this conversation. goodbye

(22:14) Daddy: why do i check my phone at such bad times

(22:14) Yahaba: Shouldn't you be happy?

(22:14) Daddy: i have a hard on in fucking minimart  
(22:14) Daddy: this isn't a good look for me

(22:14) Mommy: Let’s not talk about this anymore.

(22:14) Yahaba: Are you hard now, too?

(22:14) Mommy: I repeat, let's not talk about this anymore.

(22:14) Daddy: he is

(22:14) Mommy: Bye.

(22:14) Yahaba: What are the odds he went to whack off?

(22:15) Daddy: 90%

 

  
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(22:29) Mommy: I hate you guys.

(22:29) Daddy: did you actually

(22:29) Mommy: I don't care to answer that question.

(22:29) Daddy: to what though

(22:29) Mommy: I don't care to answer that question.

(22:29) Daddy: please

(22:29) Yahaba: Go do your fuckboy begging elsewhere

 

  
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Chat: Daddy and Mommy

  
(22:29) Daddy: please

(22:30) Mommy: No.

(22:30) Daddy: please

(22:30) Mommy: Stop.

(22:30) Daddy: please keiji

(22:30) Mommy: I have a very high sex drive, okay?

(22:30) Daddy: keiji

(22:30) Mommy: If you screenshot that, I will not hesitate to murder you.

(22:30) Daddy: i am so  
(22:30) Daddy: turned on

(22:30) Mommy: Are you out of minimart yet?

(22:30) Daddy: i’m in my car

(22:31) Mommy: Then just take care of it.

(22:31) Daddy: keiji

(22:31) Mommy: What?

(22:31) Daddy: 1) wow u didn't make a comment about me driving alone when i’m not 18 yet  
(22:31) Daddy: 2) are you ordering me to masturbate lmao

(22:31) Mommy: Whatever, and don't say it like that.

(22:31) Daddy: i don't have any lubricant though

(22:31) Mommy: Precum.

(22:31) Daddy: there's not enough

(22:31)Mommy: Just look at your abs and pretend they're mine, or something.

(22:31) Daddy: i can’t; give me a pic

(22:31) Mommy: Ugh.  
(22:31) Mommy: _Attached image_

(22:31) Daddy: okay but the way that ck label hangs around your hips and shows ur v line is like insanely hot

(22:31) Mommy: Shut up, and just do it.

(22:31) Daddy: how often do you do it

(22:31) Mommy: How often do you do it?

(22:31) Daddy: once every day or two

(22:31) Mommy: Or two?

(22:31) Daddy: sometimes i’m too tired to do _it_

(22:32) Mommy: I wish I could do that.

(22:32) Daddy: what

(22:32) Mommy: I get really uncomfortable if I don't.

(22:32) Daddy: so how often

(22:32) Mommy: 1-3 times. Usually just once.

(22:32) Daddy: i’m laughing but honestly the thought of you masturbating like 3 times made me so horny

(22:32) Mommy: I hate you.

(22:32) Daddy: come on i wasn't making fun of you

(22:32) Mommy: That really isn't why I said that.

(22:32) Daddy: what

(22:32) Mommy: Bye.

(22:32) Daddy: oh  
(22:32) Daddy: OH  
(22:32) Daddy: that's so hot  
(22:32) Daddy: okay yeah bye i have to go too

 

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(22:39) Daddy: so im back because i cant help but wonder

(22:39) Daddy: were we sexting

(22:39) Mommy: No, we were discussing a very personal and private matter.

(22:39) Daddy: ur right who needs to sext when we can do the real thing

(22:39) Mommy: Shut up.

(22:39) Daddy: did i make u horny again

(22:39) Mommy: A little bit, but there's the refractory period.

(22:40) Daddy: i love that you answered honestly

(22:40) Mommy: I have no reason to lie.

(22:40) Daddy: does it hurt if you masturbate too much in a short period of time

(22:40) Mommy: Obviously.

(22:40) Daddy: we should talk about this face to face

(22:40) Mommy: No, Atsumu.

(22:40) Daddy: lmao worth a try

(22:40) Mommy: Have you ever sexted someone before?

(22:40) Daddy: not unless this counts

(22:40) Mommy: Me either.

(22:40) Daddy: r u circumcised  
(22:40) Daddy: sry that was a rly awkward question  
(22:40) Daddy: i read that less than 2% of japanese men r circumcised thats why i asked... not like that made it any more normal ok i'll stop now

(22:40) Mommy: I actually am.

(22:40) Daddy: woah

(22:40) Mommy: Are you?

(22:40) Daddy: yeah

(22:41) Mommy: Is there any specific reason why?

(22:41) Daddy: nah  
(22:41) Daddy: hbu

(22:41) Mommy: My mother is from a country where it is a very common practice.

(22:41) Daddy: south korea

(22:41) Mommy: No.

(22:41) Daddy: r u mixed or something

(22:41) Mommy: Yeah.

(22:41) Daddy: dude  
(22:41) Daddy: that’s hot

(22:41) Mommy: I guess.

(22:41) Daddy: where's ur mom from

(22:41) Mommy: The states.

(22:41) Daddy: that was unexpected  
(22:41) Daddy: i bet ur mom is rly pretty

(22:42) Mommy: She is very beautiful, yes.

(22:42) Daddy: i wanna see

(22:42) Mommy: _Attached image_  
(22:42) Mommy: That’s from a year ago.

(22:42) Daddy: oh my god you have such a gorgeous family

(22:42) Mommy: Thanks. Show me yours.

(22:42) Daddy: lmao k one sec let me find a pic  
(22:43) Daddy:  _Attached image_ pls excuse the poor quality

(22:43) Mommy: You have a beautiful family as well.

(22:43) Daddy: i wish it were possible for two ppl of the same sex to make babies bc our kids would be hot as fuck

(22:43) Mommy: I can't really deny that considering they'd have my DNA.

(22:43) Daddy: ur so fucking hot oh my god

(22:43) Mommy: I know.

(22:43) Daddy: i love it when you say shit like that

(22:43) Mommy: You're easy on the eyes too, you know.

(22:43) Daddy: im gonna scream

(22:43) Mommy: Don't scream.

(22:43) Daddy: i love it when you tell me what to do

(22:43) Mommy: I’m glad.

(22:44) Daddy: so, purely hypothetical, if u could have children with me, would you?

(22:44) Mommy: Maybe, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

(22:44) Daddy: yay u like me  
(22:44) Daddy: i'm so happy

(22:44) Mommy: That was disgustingly endearing.

(22:44) Daddy: ur gonna make me cry with ur kind words

(22:44) Mommy: Go cry.

(22:44) Daddy: keiji can i kiss u the next time i see u

(22:45) Mommy: You're going to try, like you do every time, even if I say no.

(22:45) Daddy: right i forgot i’m a fuckboy for a second  
(22:45) Daddy: but can i with consent

(22:45) Mommy: I need to think about it.

(22:45) Daddy: i love u

(22:45) Mommy: Go to sleep.

(22:45) Daddy: ur very bad at showing affection

(22:45) Mommy: Goodbye, Atsumu.

(22:45) Daddy: it's okay i’ll love u anyway

(22:45) Mommy: I like you.

(22:46) Daddy: keiji what the fuck

(22:46) Mommy: Did I do something wrong?

(22:46) Daddy: like  
(22:46) Daddy: not really but  
(22:46) Daddy: i really didn't expect you to say that, and i’m really touched, and i’m sitting in my car crying  
(22:46) Daddy: sry i’m a pussy :(

(22:46) Mommy: I actually really want to kiss you right now.

(22:46) Daddy: oh my god keiji

(22:46) Mommy: I’ll stop now.

(22:46) Daddy: i love you so much like it’s crazy

(22:46) Mommy: It’s just hormones.

(22:46) Daddy: omg i didn’t even consider that  
(22:46) Daddy: after we just came our hormones are like  
(22:47) Daddy: wham

(22:47) Mommy: Wham.

(22:47) Daddy: r u mocking me lmao

(22:47) Mommy: Maybe I am.

(22:47) Daddy: im literally crying keiji thanks a lot  
(22:47) Daddy: i only cry like three times a year

(22:47) Mommy: Why?

(22:47) Daddy: whenever i lose or win the big tournaments i either cry bc i feel like shit or happy tears

(22:47) Mommy: “happy tears” You're really cute, Atsumu.

(22:47) Daddy: please be mean to me again

(22:47) Mommy: That’s an odd request.

(22:47) Daddy: i'm a masochist   
(22:47) Daddy: and i don't like crying bc feelings  
(22:47) Daddy: good or bad  
(22:48) Daddy: tears are a mess

(22:48) Mommy: Whatever you want, then.

(22:48) Daddy: i love you

(22:48) Mommy: I have very strong feelings for you.

(22:48) Daddy: why does that make me horny

(22:48) Mommy: I don't know.

(22:48) Daddy: please kill me

(22:48) Mommy: I don't really want to, my dear.

(22:48) Daddy: ur literally killing my heart

(22:48) Mommy: Hey.

(22:48) Daddy: hmm?

(22:48) Mommy: I think I might be in love with you.

(22:49) Daddy: i am so sorry that i stopped replying for a sec  
(22:49) Daddy: i thought i was going to die

(22:49) Mommy: I also thought I was going to die.

(22:50) Daddy: heart palpitations

(22:50) Mommy: Precisely.

(22:50) Daddy: keiji are u still at training camp

(22:50) Mommy: Yes.

(22:50) Daddy: are there any days that u don't practice or are allowed to do like normal things

(22:50) Mommy: Saturday is our resting day, and practice starts at 12 on Sundays

(22:50) Daddy: cool i don't practice on saturday either  
(22:50) Daddy: so like can i come over in three days

(22:50) Mommy: Yeah, I’ll just have to ask coach if I could leave Shinizen’s campus overnight; I'll pretend like I have family living nearby. I'm sure he’ll say yes.

(22:50) Daddy: yay

(22:50) Mommy: I’m going to go to sleep, Atsumu. I’ll talk to you later.

(22:50) Daddy: later <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was inspired by a pagan coming to school with a jizz stain on the back of his pants, and i'd like to thank him for that
> 
> akaashi is mixed in this fic bc like he has blue eyes fight me idk how the discussion went from miya masturbating to that I'm sorry pls killme their relationship is so weird


	9. what if i’m sexually attracted to succulents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dick pic + story time ft. shirabooboo and futakuchi and then terushima + hoshi is in love + yahaba and shirabu shenanigans

(16:12) Daddy: TERU PLS HELP ACCIDENTALLY SENT A DICK PIC

(16:12) spice daddy: airplane mode  
(16:12) spice daddy: n o w

(16:13) Daddy: so i went on airplane mode for a min and nothing happened

(16:13) spice daddy: did it already send

(16:13) Daddy: yeah

(16:13) spice daddy: ur fucked

(16:14) Daddy: fucking hell

(16:14) spice daddy: what platform did u send it on

(16:14) Daddy: this

(16:14) spice daddy: oh  
(16:14) spice daddy: can u get a hold of this person's phone

(16:14) Daddy: i wish

(16:14) spice daddy: from another app tell ur friend to delete the chat on this

(16:14) Daddy: okay

 

  
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Chat: Daddy and Mommy

  
(16:12) Daddy: _Attached image_  

(16:14) Mommy: What the fuck.

(16:14) Daddy: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT  
(16:14) Daddy: I TRIED TO WARN YOU

(16:15) Mommy: I got your message the second I opened this chat, Atsumu.

(16:15) Daddy: IM SORRY

(16:15) Mommy: Whatever.

(16:15) Daddy: keiji wait

(16:15) Mommy: What.

(16:15) Daddy: is it like

(16:15) Mommy: Yes.

(16:15) Daddy: k cool

(16:15) Mommy: How did you accidentally send this, just out of curiosity?

(16:15) Daddy: oh right  
(16:15) Daddy: i was going to ask you for help with my summer assignment  
(16:15) Daddy: and i happened to be naked when i took a pic of it  
(16:15) Daddy: took me a sec to realize my dick was in the pic  
(16:16) Daddy: like the sec after i sent it

(16:16) Mommy: Can I have another picture?

(16:16) Daddy: u liked it  
(16:16) Daddy: r u sure

(16:16) Mommy: I meant of your assignment.

(16:16) Daddy: o  
(16:16) Daddy: awkward

 

  
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Chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

 

(19:38) NaCl: guys

(19:38) futafuckme: yeah

(19:38) NaCl: not you

(19:38) futafuckme: wow

(19:38) NaCl: have you heard of quora

(19:38) futafuckme: yeah i love quora

(19:38) NaCl: i read this really interesting story; wanna hear about it

(19:39) futafuckme: yes

(19:39) NaCl: this lightskin guy had sex with his darkskin, married professor (they never did it again), and approximately 9 months later, she had a lightskin baby with a shade similar to the student’s  
(19:39) NaCl: and her husband was one of the student’s professors the next year, and she wasn't, and the husband brought the baby to class frequently, and the students played with the baby a lot  
(19:39) NaCl: and the student who probably made the child got along really well with the baby, and once he was playing with her after class, and the wife professor saw him playing with the baby through the window and the guy saw a tear roll down her cheek  
(19:39) NaCl: and he doesn't know for sure if it's his baby or not because they never talked about it afterwards

(19:39) futafuckme: that's like really intense and sounds like a terrible predicament, and it makes me feel the need to go full on gay

(19:39) NaCl: same, but i'm already full-on gay

(19:39) futafuckme: i’ll fuck anyone  
(19:39) futafuckme: what is that like pan

(19:39) NaCl: idk anymore there are like a million genders and sexualities

(19:40) futafuckme: what if i’m sexually attracted to succulents

(19:40) NaCl: terushima has more knowledge of this stuff. he should know

(19:40) futafuckme: how did u know lmao

(19:40) NaCl: we got into a whole hour-long conversation about it when he came to visit kawanishi once bc kawanishi was like, “the fuck is two spirit,” and terushima began to explain

(19:40) futafuckme: what is two spirit

(19:40) spice daddy: WHAT IS IT I HEAR ABOUT GENDER AND SEXUALITY  
(19:40) spice daddy: TWO SPIRIT IS WHEN SOMEONES BODY HOUSES BOTH A FEMININE AND MASCULINE SPIRIT

(19:40) NaCl: so like 99% of the population 

(19:40) spice daddy: NOOO ITS DIFFERENT BECAUSE NOT 99% OF THE POPULATION IDENTIFIES AS TWO SPIRIT IT'S LIKE 1 PERSON FULFILLING BOTH COMMON GENDER ROLES AND IT ORIGINATED/IS MOST COMMON AMONGST NATIVE/INDIGENOUS NORTH AMERICANS

(19:40) futafuckme: u have so much knowledge inside that little brain  
(19:40) futafuckme: anyway fuck a label  
(19:40) futafuckme: the only thing i wanna be called is a fabulous

(19:40) NaCl: that's so gay

(19:40) futafuckme: shut up you’re gayer than i am

(19:40) NaCl: die

(19:41) futafuckme: i wish

(19:41) spice daddy: i would miss you :(

(19:41) futafuckme: :( ur right i don't wanna die anymore

(19:41) NaCl: please explain to me how i'm gayer than you

(19:41) futafuckme: u r  
(19:41) futafuckme: i’m just a little sluttier

(19:41) NaCl: a little?

(19:41) futafuckme: u take it in the ass

(19:41) NaCl: you jerk off on camera

(19:41) futafuckme: u were the center of a filthy threesome

(19:41) NaCl: you sucked a girl’s dick

(19:41) futafuckme: you sucked like three different dicks before semi’s

(19:41) NaCl: you fuck a thirty year old for money

(19:41) futafuckme: you like being told you're a whore

(19:41) NaCl: and you don't?

(19:42) spice daddy: the futashira is strong

(19:42) NaCl: shut up

(19:42) futafuckme: maybe i do like it  
(19:42) futafuckme: but i don’t like it as much as you do when a stranger sucks you off in a bathroom stall

(19:42) NaCl: FUTAKUCHI KENJI

(19:42) futafuckme: oh did i strike a nerve

(19:42) NaCl: I WILL KILL YOU

(19:42) spice daddy: why did this set him off but not the threesome

(19:42) futafuckme: honestly who knows lmao

(19:42) NaCl: TERUSHIMA I WOULD KILL YOU IF YOU DIDNT MAKE KAWANISHI HAPPY

(19:42) spice daddy: i honestly love kawanishi so much hes like my world

(19:42) futafuckme: sickening

(19:42) NaCl: very

(19:42) spice daddy: if u guys werent both in unhealthy relationships i would totally try to get you to date

(19:42) NaCl: stfu

(19:42) futafuckme: ily teru but ^

(19:43) spice daddy: i love u too

 

  
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(23:27) spice daddy: hey miya u never told me who u sent ur the pic of ~asset~ to

(23:27) Daddy: my love interest

(23:27) spice daddy: oh ;)  
(23:27) spice daddy: at least he could see how impressive you are

(23:28) Daddy: idk things were going really well actually  
(23:28) Daddy: and then i did that and idk how he feels about me anymore

(23:28) spice daddy: we r talking about akaashi right

(23:28) Daddy: yeah

(23:28) spice daddy: is it okay to be talking about this here

(23:28) Daddy: yeah lol

(23:28) spice daddy: so how well was it going ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(23:28) Daddy: like i thought i had a good chance with him well

(23:28) spice daddy: and hows that changed

(23:28) Daddy: idk we didn't talk about the pic v much and i’m n e r v o u s

(23:28) spice daddy: maybe he doesn't wanna talk ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(23:29) Daddy: i wish that were the case, my friend

(23:29) spice daddy: aww keep me updated

 

  
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Chat: Daddy and Mommy

  
(23:33) Mommy: Thanks for not going into depth when discussing our relationship.

(23:33) Daddy: no problem

(23:33) Mommy: I got permission from coach, by the way.

(23:33) Daddy: yay i can't wait :)

(23:33) Mommy: Me either.

(23:33) Daddy: so this is a rly stupid question  
(23:34) Daddy: have u ever kissed anyone before

(23:34) Mommy: Once, a girl confessed to me with a kiss, and it was very awkward because I rejected her. Another time, Kuroo-san fell on top of me, and our lips crashed together extremely uncomfortably. That's the extent of my kisses.

(23:34) Daddy: that's cute

 

  
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chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

 

(14:57) halfpint: u ever just  
(14:57) halfpint: laugh at something ur crush said  
(14:57) halfpint: wayyyyy too hard  
(14:57) halfpint: and then it looks weird after a while  
(14:57) halfpint: and u just want to die

(14:58) NaCl: yes

(14:58) halfpint: what am i doing with my life

(14:58) NaCl: organizing a prom

(14:58) halfpint: oh right that  
(14:58) halfpint: its gonna be lit u should come and bring ur bae  
(14:58) halfpint: but the supervisor said were not supposed to let kids from other schools in espec since its our first prom so im gonna have to sneak u in

(14:58) NaCl: i’m not into living dangerously and sneaking into proms

(14:58) halfpint: the supervisors wont know that u dont go here once ur inside its cool

(14:58) NaCl: unfortunately i don’t think eita would travel there with me

(14:58) halfpint: when it isnt true love

(14:58) NaCl: it's not that; he's just busy with school and stuff

(14:58) halfpint: numb the pain

(14:59) NaCl: shut up he loves me

(14:59) halfpint: then he should go to prom with you

(14:59) NaCl: it isn't even my prom

(14:59) halfpint: it would be cool if u guys came

(14:59) NaCl: tell me a date and a time

(14:59) halfpint: ...tbd

(14:59) NaCl: wow

(14:59) halfpint: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(14:59) NaCl: so how's it going with that boyfriend of yours or whatever he is

(14:59) halfpint: great just great  
(14:59) halfpint: he didn't say anything about my uncontrollable laughing at him except “shut up hoshiumi”  
(15:00) halfpint: the important part is that he doesnt think im a weirdo

(15:00) NaCl: how do you know he didn't already think you were a weirdo

(15:00) halfpint: good question  
(15:00) halfpint: he probably did  
(15:00) halfpint: when ur confidence drops from 100 to 0 rq

(15:00) NaCl: sorry not sorry  
(15:00) NaCl: have you made a move

(15:00) halfpint: no thats hard  
(15:00) halfpint: real talk tho  
(15:00) halfpint: should we do like a winter formal instead of prom bc prom is done in the spring and we graduate in like march but still call it a prom

(15:00) NaCl: yes

(15:00) halfpint: k cool when should i prompose then

(15:00) NaCl: 1 month prior so the other kids have time to catch on to the trend

(15:00) halfpint: nooo i wanna do it in private  
(15:00) halfpint: ugh ill just have one of my friends ask out his gf in school for the other kids to catch on

(15:01) NaCl: then 3 weeks before, so your man doesn't ask out some hoe first

(15:01) halfpint: shirabu that was lowkey ghetto

(15:01) NaCl: i’m not even

(15:01) halfpint: ur a country boy

(15:01) NaCl: i own three pairs of overalls, and i’m proud

(15:01) halfpint: same though

 

  
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(18:33) Yahaba: Shirabu Kenjirou.

(18:34) NaCl: what :)))))

(18:34) Yahaba: Shove your fucking end parentheses up your ass

(18:34) NaCl: l o l

(18:34) Yahaba: I hate you  
(18:34) Yahaba: The shrink you recommended is so fucking weird  
(18:34) Yahaba: He talks to us with a fucking little finger puppet on his index finger

(18:34) NaCl: LOL

(18:34) Yahaba: The worst part is that Kentarou loves it

(18:35) NaCl: i think you meant best part.* does your boyfriend’s happiness mean nothing to you, shigeru?

(18:35) Yahaba: Shut the fuck up

(18:35) NaCl: did you like him

(18:35) Yahaba: I've never wanted to kill myself so badly before

(18:35) NaCl: i’m glad

(18:35) Yahaba: I’m telling Semi that you cheated on him

(18:35) NaCl: we’re in an "open relationship’" remember

(18:35) Yahaba: With a girl

(18:35) NaCl: yahaba please

(18:35) Yahaba: Have fun "opening up" about your sexuality

(18:35) NaCl: yahaba

(18:35) Yahaba: Message sent, bitch

(18:36) NaCl: i’m sorry

 

  
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Chat: NaCl and SemiSemi

  
(18:36) SemiSemi: Hey, has there been anything on your mind lately?

(18:36) NaCl: not really

 

  
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Chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

  
(18:36) NaCl: what the fuck, yahaba

(18:36) Yahaba: You should be happy that I didn't leak your nudes

(18:36) NaCl: YOU DONT EVEN HAVE MY NUDES

(18:36) Yahaba: How do you know?

 

 

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Chat: NaCl and SemiSemi

  
(18:36) SemiSemi: Are you sure?

(18:37) NaCl: yeah why

(18:37) SemiSemi: Tell me about your sexuality.

(18:37) NaCl: gay

(18:37) SemiSemi: You don't have to lie to me.

(18:37) NaCl: eita, i can explain

(18:37) SemiSemi: Explain what?

(18:37) NaCl: yahaba was having relationship problems, and i sent his boyfriend the number of a weirdass relationship counselor because i knew yahaba didn't want to go, and you know how we kind of hate each other, so we do stuff like that  
(18:37) NaCl: so his boyfriend made him go to the therapist or whatever with him, and yahaba was like “i’m telling semi u cheated on him” and i was like we’re in an open relationship and he was like “with a girl,” and i have never touched a girl that way in my life i swear

(18:37) SemiSemi: Okay, but if you ever need to talk, I’m here.

(18:37) NaCl: thanks, eita; love you

(18:38) SemiSemi: Love you, too.

 

  
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(21:13) halfpint: i just hung out w/ the bae

(21:14) everything nice: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(21:14) halfpint: i wish that was applicable

(21:14) everything nice: lame  
(21:14) everything nice: eat his ass already

(21:15) halfpint: ill try buddy

(21:15) everything nice: gl gl gl ;)

(21:15) halfpint: ill keep u updated

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll probably update again tomorrow
> 
> Who's your favorite second gen captain?


	10. Akamiya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Porn. This is porn. It was meant to be fluff, but it ended up being (probably awkwardly-written) lascivious porn. 
> 
> I tried to proofread but I got bored and ended up not reading the first 75% and rewriting most of the rest, so there might be grammar mistakes and whatnot (i didn't proofread what I rewrote either lmao) I'msorry 
> 
> Feel free to skip this chapter

  
“Where’re you going, ‘Tsumu?” Osamu asked lazily.

“To see the bae.”

“He still doesn't know he's ‘bae,’ right?”

“He does!” Atsumu insisted, “Kinda,” he added more quietly.

“Is he blind?”

“We’re identical, meanie.” Atsumu started to unlock the door.

“Yeah, but I'm hotter.”

“Bye!”

“Are you drugging him?”

“Bye!” Atsumu repeated.

 

  
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“Keiji!” Atsumu dropped his bag and wrapped Keiji into a tight hug as soon as they saw each other at the train station.

“Hi, Atsumu,” Keiji gently put his hands on Atsumu in his form of returning a hug.

“I missed you so much!”

“We talked yesterday.”

“I meant I missed being with you so much!” Atsumu hugged him even tighter.

“Atsumu, people are starting to stare, and you're kind of hurting me.”

“Sorry, sorry!” Atsumu laughed airily and released Keiji. “It's okay to be gay in public. We're hot,” he whispered to Keiji.

“What does that have to do with anything?"

“You know, society,” Atsumu shrugged.

“Shut up.” Keiji glared.

“Okay.” Atsumu picked up his overnight bag and put his arm around Keiji. “Lead the way, babe.”

“Do your fans know that you're gay?”

Atsumu was taken aback by Keiji's sudden interest, but he answered “The only label I want is best setter, Keiji.”

Keiji rolled his eyes, “Whatever. I'm guessing that means no.”

“I honestly have no idea.”

“They should know.”

“And how do you suggest they find out?” Atsumu’s grip on Keiji’s shoulder tightened slightly.

“Give me your phone.”

Atsumu frowned because he had to remove his arm from Keiji’s shoulder, and he reached into his pocket to unlock his phone and give it to Keiji.

“Put your arm around me again,” Keiji said as he opened up Instagram.

“Whatever you want, babe.”

Keiji went to Instagram’s front-facing camera, leaned into Atsumu with a gentle smile, took a photo of them, and posted it to Atsumu’s public account.

“Did you put a caption?” Atsumu asked.

“No. I want to see what everyone says.” Keiji looked at the photo that had already gotten 20 likes in a matter of seconds, and a couple of confused comments.

“Someone says, ‘Who is that?’” Keiji read aloud.

“Wanna reply?”

“No.”

“Are there any more comments?”

“Yeah,” Keiji replied. “I'll read them to you while we walk back.”

“‘Kay.”

“‘You're so hot, Atsumu!’ Fire emojis. ‘Who’s your friend because damn.’ Water and tongue emojis. ‘Are you guys friends or’ italicized, ‘friends?’ Lenny face. ‘Kill him.’ ‘I think I just died.’ ‘I don't know whether to be jealous of Atsumu or the other guy.’ ‘Ha, gay.’”

“I love the way you read emojis,” Atsumu let out a dreamy sigh.

“Thanks, I guess. You got so many comments so quickly,” Keiji hadn't noticed how many followers Atsumu had had until just now.

“Well, I have like a few hundred thousand followers, but it's no biggie.”

“Do these people follow you because you're the best high school setter?”

“Some do. A lot follow me for the aesthetic, though.”

“Did you just call yourself the aesthetic?” Keiji resisted the urge to roll his eyes again.

“Well, now you're part of my Instagram aesthetic, too.”

“Shut up.”

 

  
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“Atsumu, turn off your phone, at least the notifications, or I will throw it in the Tama River.”

“You're the reason that it's ringing so much.” Atsumu frowned, but he turned it off anyway.

“I'm sorry; I didn't know that you had so many followers or that the photo would elicit such a reaction.”

“How did you not know?”

“I don't have an Instagram account, and I've never looked at your page before.”

“You've never seen my Instagram before?”

“No.”

“Come on. You've had to have seen it!”

“I haven't.”

“Keiji. This discussion is painful, and I want it to stop.”

Keiji punched Atsumu in the arm, rather hard, and Atsumu fell back against Keiji’s couch.

“Hot, but what the hell?”

“Another source of pain is the best distraction from pain,” Keiji deadpanned.

“You're so mean. You could have, like, kissed me instead.”

“I’ve never really kissed anyone before, Atsumu.”

To keep the tradition going, Atsumu leaned forward and quickly asserted himself on Keiji. This time, instead of Keiji shoving him away, their lips met. It kind of hurt, if they were being honest with themselves, but it was still kind of nice; what it stood for was nice, anyway.

Their lips stayed closed for the entire, short-lived, far too abrupt, and rough kiss. Atsumu pulled away from Keiji as he said, “Now you have.”

Keiji’s cheeks flushed when looked into Atsumu’s eyes. “Yeah.”

“Sorry, it was kind of bad. Can we have a do-over?” Atsumu asked sheepishly, scratching the back of his head.

Instead of saying something like, “Since when do you say, ‘Sorry’?” Keiji said, “Yes.”

Atsumu leaned in towards Keiji again and pressed their lips together, gently this time. He was afraid to open his mouth because what if Keiji wasn't ready for that yet, so he let Keiji lead.

Of course, Keiji had no idea what he was doing, and he was sort of hoping that Atsumu would take the initiative on this one. When he realized that wasn't going to happen, Keiji opened his mouth slightly and hoped that was okay.

Atsumu gently bit Keiji’s bottom lip, and Keiji tried to reciprocate after shifting the position of their lips. Then Atsumu brought their tongues into the mix. Atsumu’s thumb against Keiji’s chin pleaded the latter to open his mouth further. Atsumu proceeded to press their tongues together before moving his in a circular motion against Keiji’s, and Keiji followed his lead.

Keiji ran his fingers through Atsumu’s hair as they did this, but he eventually became less gentle and used it as a grip to pull Atsumu closer. Keiji’s other hand was laced to Atsumu’s, but he loosened his hold, and so did Atsumu. Keiji’s fingers played with the hem of Atsumu’s shirt for a few brief moments before Keiji slipped his fingers underneath. Atsumu, on the other hand, let his fingers dance along the fabric of Keiji’s pants. They crawled up his thigh and the growing erection in Keiji’s pants.

Atsumu’s touch sent shivers down Keiji’s spine, and he quietly moaned against Atsumu. The sound of Keiji’s voice made blood rush to Atsumu’s erection, and he opened his legs a little wider, hoping Keiji would understand. And he did. Keiji’s fingers trailed down Atsumu’s abdomen until they reached the waistband of his underwear. He slipped them underneath the thick fabric, and Atsumu felt heat rise to his cheeks.

Atsumu was never one to be selfish, not when it came to Keiji at least, so he unbuttoned Keiji’s pants and lowered them as much as he could. Atsumu’s other hand still cupped Keiji’s face, and he found himself moaning into Keiji’s mouth as the latter’s fingers grabbed his precum-laden cock.

Atsumu opened his eyes slightly, and he saw Keiji’s fluttering open as well. Staring into Keiji’s deep, blue eyes that seemed to be everything beautiful in the world, Atsumu slid his fingers under Keiji’s boxers and wrapped them around his hard cock. Atsumu thrusted his own hips slightly as Keiji held him, and Keiji did the same. Keiji let out another quiet whine as did Atsumu, breaking apart their kiss.

A string of saliva kept the two connected as they pumped each other’s cocks, and their tongues met again not too much later. Atsumu wanted to tell Keiji how it felt, so, _so_ good, but it felt _too_ good to stop. It took everything in him to not come right that second. A little bit leaked from the tip of Atsumu’s cock while Keiji stroked the base, and it was enough to last the rest of the ride.

“Keiji,” Atsumu moaned his name as Keiji pulled on his hair and stroked his cock. With every stroke, Atsumu could feel his knees weaken, and Keiji felt the same sensations, knowing that he _had_ Atsumu. Keiji’s tongue fought for dominance over Atsumu’s in his mouth, but Atsumu submitted within seconds. He was going to come any second now, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Keiji.

Keiji wanted so badly to sink to his knees and see how it felt to have Atsumu’s cock inside of his mouth, but it felt so, so good having Atsumu’s fingers rub along his cock, and the way their tongues felt against each other that Keiji couldn't bring himself to move away. He moaned Atsumu’s name, and that was it.

All the pressure that had built up in every last bit of Atsumu’s body was relieved, and his thick, slippery cum was in between Keiji’s fingers with a cry of pleasure. Their lips separated again, and Keiji pulled his fingers towards his mouth. Had his mind not been gone and had he been thinking prior to acting, Keiji would have been surprised that his fingers, lathered in Atsumu’s cum, didn't taste horrific.

But, Keiji what was experiencing was truly mind-shattering, as Atsumu continued to stroke Keiji’s cock until Keiji was whining Atsumu’s name and releasing his semen. Atsumu continued to pump Keiji’s cock, and Keiji had lost any iota of control he had previously had because he couldn't help the lewd sounds that escaped his lips.

Atsumu wanted to _overwhelm_ Keiji with pleasure, and that he did. So, as Keiji’s fingers gripped Atsumu’s skin, he kept stroking, and kept listening to the incoherent cries of pleasure until the alleviation that Keiji had so desperately sought was achieved as released the last of his cum. Trembling in the aftermath of Atsumu’s touch, Keiji could hardly reciprocate when Atsumu kissed him.

When he broke away from the kiss, breathless, Keiji rested his head against Atsumu’s and laced their fingers together. As soon as his breathing slowed, he said, “That escalated quickly.”

“Yeah.”

“We should do it again sometime,” Keiji added quietly.

“Yeah,” Atsumu said just as quietly. “Keiji, I know you're not supposed to say this after, like, sex, or whatever that was, but I love you.”

Keiji lightly pressed his lips against Atsumu’s, and that was enough to tell Atsumu how he felt.

 


	11. get off me u homosexual gremlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoshi makes progress + yahashira + first! kiss! + futakuchi's sister's boyfriend is having issues + snurch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i ever told u guys how much i love u bc i love u all sm
> 
> also Trigger warning, kind of  
> Some may find the last conversation of this chapter between Futakuchi, Miya, and Terushima to be disturbing or offensive, and Yahaba and Shirabu have extensive offensive vocabularies, in multiple languages

  
(00:17) halfpint: when u ask ur favorite teammate that u happen to have a crush on to sing u a lullaby and he says “do re mi fa so fucking done with you kourai go to sleep”

(00:18) everything nice: first name basis tho

(00:18) ennoshita: this is past my bedtime, but i’m very invested in your relationship with this pear boy, so tell me, are you having a sleepover???

(00:18) halfpint: yeah  
(00:18) halfpint: _Attached image_

(00:18) everything nice: oh that guy  
(00:18) everything nice: you guys are really cute together  
(00:18) everything nice: suck his dick

(00:18) ennoshita: i agree with yamamoto

(00:18) halfpint: sucking his dick is proving to be a difficult task  
(00:18) halfpint: hey  
(00:18) halfpint: how do you tell if someone’s gay when your gaydar is broken

(00:19) ennoshita: he looks pan to me

(00:19) everything nice: def not straight  
(00:19) everything nice: he looks like he wants to explore

(00:19) halfpint: okay with that knowledge what do i do

(00:19) everything nice: suck his dick

(00:19) ennoshita: you have to build up to that first, yamamoto

(00:19) everything nice: can’t help there i’ve never been in an actual relationship sorry buddy

(00:19) halfpint: ennoshita senpai help

(00:19) ennoshita: hug him more often and see what happens

(00:19) halfpint: im afraid hell be like wtf get off me u homosexual gremlin

(00:20) everything nice: secretly hoping that happens because that'd be funny, but like, i’m sure he won't, so just go for it

(00:20) ennoshita: be confident, thot

(00:20) halfpint: thot  
(00:20) halfpint: okay then im gonna hug him and see what happens

(00:20) ennoshita: i knew that would work

(00:20) everything nice: lmao

(00:22) halfpint: he said “what the fuck are you doing you devilkin” and i said giving u a hug and he said “u scared the shit out of me but continue”

(00:22) everything nice: wow you predicted what he'd say so accurately lmao

(00:22) ennoshita: he didn't push you off

(00:22) halfpint: well he did at first because i apparently scared the shit out of him l o l but then he hugged me back and im happy and my eyeliner is smudging bc im kinda crying bc ive never hugged him before and he smells so good and life is a gift

(00:23) everything nice: ur eyeliner is killer

(00:23) halfpint: thanks man

(00:23) ennoshita: hoshiumi-san, do you realize what progress this is

(00:23) halfpint: yeah i hugged him and he let me hes my hoe now

(00:23) everything nice: im so proud of you

(00:23) ennoshita: also can i comment on how much i love him based off your quotes of him, mostly because he used the word “devilkin”

(00:23) halfpint: hes great isnt he ♡‿♡

(00:23) ennoshita: yes, i approve

(00:23) everything nice: same  
(00:23) everything nice: are you still hugging him

(00:23) halfpint: i wish lol  
  
(00:24) ennoshita: go hug him again

(00:24) halfpint: k bye

(00:24) everything nice: bye bye

 

  
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(09:49) Yahaba: Hey, Shitabu, you never let me know how your sexuality discussion with your main dick went

(09:50) NaCl: it didn't happen because eita respects my privacy, and he doesn't bother me about such things

(09:50) Yahaba: That's a lie; he told me what happened

(09:50) NaCl: fuck off

(09:50) Yahaba: I need to know that you suffered, or I’ll find another way to hurt you

(09:50) NaCl: i suffered, and i never want to have to assure someone that i’m gay ever again

(09:50) Yahaba: Good. What else do you never want to have to do again?

(09:50) NaCl: talk to you

(09:50) Yahaba: Well, that isn't very nice  
(09:50) Yahaba: I guess I'll just have to keep bothering you then

(09:50) NaCl: sounds great

(09:50) Yahaba: Let’s curse each other out

(09:50) NaCl: k twat

(09:51) Yahaba: Fopdoodle

(09:51) NaCl: bedswerver

(09:51) Yahaba: Cuntface

(09:51) NaCl: zounderkite

(09:51) Yahaba: Stampcrab

(09:51) NaCl: gnashnab

(09:51) Yahaba: Blunderbuss

(09:51) NaCl: puto

(09:51) Yahaba: Cabrón

(09:51) NaCl: zorra

(09:51) Yahaba: Maricón

(09:51) NaCl: that isn't an insult; that's a way of life

(09:51) Yahaba: Alright, we’re even

(09:52) NaCl: love you, whore

(09:52) Yahaba: Love you, too, slut

 

  
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(11:18) futafuckme: k so i just woke up and like yahaba and shirabu have the cutest friendship ever

(11:18) #1: I wouldn't quite call it that

(11:18) futafuckme: come on, get in touch with your feminine side

(11:18) #1: Maybe later

(11:19) futafuckme: u think it's cute i know u do

(11:19) #1: A little bit

(11:19) futafuckme: lmao knew it

 

  
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(13:14) everything nice: i had my first kiss

(13:14) futafuckme: WHO WHEN WHERE WHY HOW

(13:15) everything nice: u sound just like my third grade writing teacher :) good times  
(13:15) everything nice: kinoshita 1:07pm behind the second gym because he said he really wanted to kiss me and he did

(13:15) futafuckme: SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TALKING AND WHY DIDNT I KNOW

(13:15) everything nice: idk a monthish  
(13:15) everything nice: i didn't wanna tell u guys anything until it was official  
(13:15) everything nice: it's still not official bc like idk it's a friends with benefits type of thing

(13:15) futafuckme: I CANT STOP SCREAMING  
(13:15) futafuckme: MY SISTERS BOYFRIEND JUST GAVE ME A WEIRD LOOK  
(13:15) futafuckme: I WANNA KILL HIM

(13:16) everything nice: do it

(13:16) Yahaba: DON’T* do it

(13:16) futafuckme: WELL CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS YAMAMOTO  
(13:16) futafuckme: I HAVE TO GO REMIND A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD WHY TOUCHING GIRLS WITHOUT CONSENT IS BAD

(13:16) Yahaba: That’s so cute. I wish my older brother would do that to my boyfriend.

(13:16) everything nice: u have an older brother?

(13:16) Yahaba: Yeah, he's like 21

(13:16) everything nice: i bet he's a daddy

(13:16) Yahaba: You just had your first kiss. Close your legs

(13:16) everything nice: it was just a kiss

(13:16) Yahaba: How can you guys have a friends with benefits relationship when that was your first kiss?

(13:16) everything nice: well  
(13:16) everything nice: we kissed each other elsewhere first

(13:17) Yahaba: Yamamoto Taketora.

(13:17) everything nice: i’m sorry mother it just happened

(13:17) Yahaba: You sucked dick before you kissed a boy.

(13:17) everything nice: don't say it like that

(13:17) Yahaba: I expected more from you, Taketora

(13:17) everything nice: :( i’m sorry

(13:17) Yahaba: Just kidding. Congrats on losing your virginity if you count oral as real sex

(13:17) everything nice: i can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not and i feel threatened

(13:17) Yahaba: I’m really proud of you  
(13:17) Yahaba: You’re my buddy

(13:17) everything nice: i’m honored

(13:17) Yahaba: You should be. It takes a lot for me to consider someone my buddy

(13:17) everything nice: how many buddies do you have

(13:17) Yahaba: Like, 13

(13:17) everything nice: wtf that's a lot

(13:17) Yahaba: I’ve gotten a lot more hoes over the past few months, okay?

(13:17) everything nice: are hoe and buddy equivalent

(13:18) Yahaba: Yes, sir

(13:18) everything nice: who are your hoes

(13:18) Yahaba: You, Sakusa, Hoshiumi, Akaashi, Ennoshita, both Atsumu and Osamu, Shirabu of course, Kentarou, Watari, Terushima, and Futakuchi

(13:18) everything nice: who's osamu again

(13:18) Yahaba: The other Miya

(13:18) everything nice: oshit he’s your hoe

(13:18) Yahaba: I had to have a talk with him about Shirabu

(13:18) everything nice: deets pls

(13:18) Yahaba: Lol I was like here's Shirabu’s contact information  
(13:18) Yahaba: Then I told him everything Shirabu likes and what he hates  
(13:18) Yahaba: Then we started talking  
(13:18) Yahaba: And we eventually bonded over how he likes Shirabu and how I like annoying Shirabu  
(13:18) Yahaba: And now he's my hoe

(13:18) everything nice: u gave him shirabu’s contact info

(13:18) Yahaba: He already had some of it from Atsumu, so I figured, what's a little more?

(13:18) everything nice: i love u

(13:19) Yahaba: I love you, too. I hope Osamu and Shirabu date

(13:19) everything nice: tbh i thought he was having a fling with futakuchi

(13:19) futafuckme: okay i’m back  
(13:19) futafuckme: what an awkward time  
(13:19) futafuckme: before i explain what happened with the boy in my living room  
(13:19) futafuckme: yes, i’m a slut  
(13:19) futafuckme: yes, i like shirabu  
(13:19) futafuckme: yes, he hates me  
(13:19) futafuckme: and finally, yes, he hatefucked me

(13:19) Yahaba: Screenshotted

(13:19) everything nice: that was a lot to take in

(13:19) futafuckme: right  
(13:19) futafuckme: so let's talk about my sister’s bf lmao  
(13:20) futafuckme: so i’m like i hate you stop breathing and don't look at me ever again and don't touch my sister and then he’s like blushing like uh yeah okay and then i look down at his pants and he has a stiffy  
(13:20) futafuckme: and i’m like dude what the fuck is that and he's like gonna cry or smth bc it was hella awkward and i was rly mean to him like i have been for idk 3 months lmao and i shove him into the bathroom with some tissues and lotion  
(13:20) futafuckme: and now my sister comes home and is like where's my boyfriend and i’m like idunno and she glares at me and she thinks i killed him or something but really he's whacking off in the bathroom

(13:20) everything nice: futakuchi i love you so much

(13:20) Yahaba: Same

(13:20) futafuckme: i love everything that breathes except boys that date my sister and opossums because they're bad

(13:20) Yahaba: Opossums  
(13:20) Yahaba: Same

(13:20) everything nice: how long have they been together now

(13:20) futafuckme: idk like 3mo  
(13:20) futafuckme: lol i feel bad for being a dick to him  
(13:20) futafuckme: but i rly wanna ask why he was hard

(13:20) Yahaba: Do it because I have to know

(13:20) everything nice: a) he's bi b) puberty is giving him no control over his boners

(13:20) futafuckme: as soon as he's out of the bathroom lmao  
(13:20) futafuckme: oh he's out  
(13:20) futafuckme: brb babes

(13:21) Yahaba: Do you think he has a crush on Futakuchi?

(13:21) everything nice: lowkey  
(13:21) everything nice: idk what else would make him hard  
(13:21) everything nice: futakuchi’s p cute so it's understandable

(13:21) Yahaba: Yeah, he is actually

(13:23) futafuckme: why thank you guys  
(13:23) futafuckme: he said he thinks he's gay and now he's wiping his tears and my sister still doesn't know he’s here bc like he was supposed to wait for her in the living room and i told her he wasn't here  
(13:23) futafuckme: should i smuggle him into my room and have a sexuality discussion or mercilessly throw him at her

(13:23) everything nice: tell your sister to go swim some more bc u just remembered that he called ur home phone earlier and he said he felt sick and needed to rest

(13:23) futafuckme: that is a great excuse but she's gonna be pissed lmao ily yams

(13:24) Yahaba: Tell him he's probably just bi since he seems to like your sister very much

(13:24) futafuckme: ur right that handsy son of a bitch  
(13:24) futafuckme: be back in like an hour probably

(13:24) everything nice: futakuchi’s life is so interesting

(13:24) Yahaba: Honestly

 

  
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(14:57) spice daddy: MIYA ATSUMU

(14:57) Daddy: that’s me bb

(14:57) spice daddy: I JUST  
(14:57) spice daddy: WENT THEOUFH MY INATAGEAM FREED  
(14:57) spice daddy: AND U

(14:58) Daddy: i what

(14:58) spice daddy: U PISTED A PICTURE WITH AKAASHI   
(14:58) spice daddy: R U DATING OR NOT

(14:58) Daddy: he posted that

(14:58) spice daddy: SCREEC H

(14:58) Daddy: i love that

(14:58) spice daddy: MY SHIP IS SAILING

(14:58) Daddy: ik i couldnt stop smiling for like 72hrs and my face still hurts

(14:58) spice daddy: THATS SO CUTE

(14:58) futafuckme: hello i’m here teru show me the pic

(14:58) spice daddy: _Attached image_  
(14:58) spice daddy: I WANNA CRY

(14:59) Daddy: same

(14:59) futafuckme: SAME  
(14:59) futafuckme: I DIDNT KNOW AKAASHI SMILED

(14:59) Daddy: ik it was like the purest thing

(14:59) spice daddy: U GUYS ARE SO GOALS

(14:59) Daddy: no u r

(14:59) futafuckme: akamiya isn't official is it lmao

(14:59) Daddy: i wish it was

(14:59) spice daddy: fr

(14:59) Daddy: yeah

(14:59) spice daddy: k then i now rep every person in this squad in a relationship yw

(14:59) futafuckme: aren't u like class president or something

(14:59) spice daddy: TERUSHIMA YUUJI REPRESENTATIVE FOR THE CLASS OF 2018

(14:59) Daddy: i'm class president lmao we should talk about service projects together

(14:59) futafuckme: wow u guys r so accomplished and i'm here like i’m in art club and the most i’ve done was draw a dick on the sidewalk in chalk and get in trouble

(14:59) Daddy: r u in any other clubs

(14:59) futafuckme: that future business leader club and book club

(14:59) Daddy: oh, right. you read

(14:59) futafuckme: fuck u

(14:59) spice daddy: u wanna do business

(14:59) futafuckme: ya im like parliamentarian but we do literally nothing and have 20 members and only like 4 come to meetings lmao

(14:59) spice daddy: how have we never discussed this

(15:00) Daddy: idk this seems important but we tend to talk about trivial things in this chat like barry benson fanfic

(15:00) futafuckme: miya atsumu.  
(15:00) futafuckme: barry benson is not trivial. he's my religion

(15:00) Daddy: i'm sry what’s the religion calledi’ll convert

(15:00) spice daddy: o that's another big thing we never discussed

(15:00) futafuckme: lmao so i have a story  
(15:00) futafuckme: i was like istg if i fail this test im gonna kms and my friend was like haha but why do we swear to god don't u think it's funny that we’ve been convinced that there's a man in the sky with total power and he can cure cancer and make u happy and u have to pay the church or make sacrifices and fast to make him happy so he can make u happy and make ur lives better  
(15:01) futafuckme: and i was like wow insensitive but i’ve just never looked at life the same way

(15:01) Daddy: sounds about right

(15:01) spice daddy: same

(15:01) Daddy: guys, serious question

(15:01) futafuckme: shoot

(15:01) Daddy: what's snail church

(15:01) spice daddy: idk i saw a meme where a bunch of snails were in a circle on a table and i think that's it

(15:01) futafuckme: same

(15:01) Daddy: that's so lame  
(15:01) Daddy: idk what i was expecting

(15:01) futafuckme: have u seen the satanist movement

(15:01) Daddy: yeah

(15:01) futafuckme:

   
(15:01) futafuckme: i am conflicted

(15:01) spice daddy: im in love

(15:01) Daddy: that's not disturbing at all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I in no way intended to disrespect anyone's beliefs regarding religion or abortion; if I offended you, I apologize sincerely


	12. #obey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ennoshita likes to say "my boyfriend" + yamamoto's troubles + petty + osamu is a pervert + shirabu's perfect life with ushiwaka

  
(18:19) ennoshita: my boyfriend asked what i was doing saturday, and i said killing myself, and he winked and said, ‘what about friday then?’ and that reminded me of you guys for some reason

(18:19) spice daddy: sounds like something i would say tbh

(18:19) ennoshita: right

(18:19) halfpint: first ilurbf  
(18:20) halfpint: second same teru

(18:20) spice daddy: hows ur promposal going

(18:20) halfpint: i finished writing it  
(18:20) halfpint: by that i mean i gave up and decided to play somebody once told me…that u should go to prom w/ me on a piano and then put a rose in my mouth as I hold up the sign that i retrieve from behind the piano and lmao

(18:20) ennoshita: that isn't as stupid as i thought it would be to be honest

(18:20) spice daddy: i thiNK THATS FABULOUS

(18:20) ennoshita: that was really gay even for you

(18:20) spice daddy: im FABULOUS

(18:20) halfpint: cant say ur not bud

 

  
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(22:17) everything nice: have you ever went to a party that you regretted the next day

(22:18) spice daddy: loads

(22:18) futafuckme: wtf are u talking about #noragrets

(22:18) everything nice: never spell it like that again

(22:18) spice daddy: ^

(22:18) futafuckme: it was a typo geez  
(22:18) futafuckme: why are u regretting ur life what happened

(22:19) everything nice: so i went to this party with kinoshita bc we had no practice the next day since it's like one of the last weeks of the summer and our training camp is over after next monday  
(22:19) everything nice: and like we both partied  
(22:19) everything nice: and we both left with other people  
(22:19) everything nice: and i feel awkward but he keeps insisting that it's cool  
(22:19) everything nice: and i want it to be cool but like what if he gets mad at me

(22:19) spice daddy: dude

(22:19) futafuckme: h e d o n t c a r e h o n e y

(22:19) spice daddy: hes like almost on my level of sluttiness from last yr lmao i think it’s cool

(22:20) everything nice: fr

(22:20) spice daddy: yeah we slept together it was great

(22:20) everything nice: imstilla butt virgin and the first guy i let suck me off wasn't  
(22:20) everything nice: feels bad

(22:20) futafuckme: butt virgin

(22:20) spice daddy: its o kay i lost my virginity to some experienced older girl (by that i mean the closest highschools whore) when i was 14  
(22:20) spice daddy: ur not 14 and ur not a slut so its okayy

(22:20) futafuckme: /dude/  
(22:20) futafuckme: u lost it so early

(22:20) spice daddy: shamelessly too

(22:20) futafuckme: same but i was 16 lmao

(22:20) spice daddy: sucks tho when ur in eighth grade and u think ur in love and then u sleep with a 17yo and ur like this is fuckin awesome and then u find out she doesnt actually love u and u break up even tho u were never together and ur like boohoo and then ur in the locker rooms for volleyball a couple months later in ninth grade and ur friend is like hey teru look at my abs im making progress and ur dick rises and ur like who am i

(22:21) futafuckme: deep

(22:21) everything nice: the self discovery process is a hard one

(22:21) spice daddy: ikr  
(22:21) spice daddy: so i started experimenting and thats how i became the slut of miyagi for two years lmao

(22:21) everything nice: fascinating

(22:21) futafuckme: i love u even tho ur a slut

(22:21) spice daddy: i love u too u whore

(22:21) everything nice: u guys have a great friendship

(22:21) spice daddy: and having been the slut of miyagi, yamamoto, i tell u that u will be okay

(22:21) everything nice: woah u used grammar ilysm teru

(22:21) spice daddy: <3333 mwah 

 

  
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(10:17) halfpint: i thought i was going crazy bc after i faceplanted the floor and probably got a concussion but like hell if im going to a doctor i kept hesring a tune and then the words “on the radio” and i was like shit did i lose my memory and then i called my buddy and he told me that i just didn't know the rest of the lyrics in the first place and that I'm an idiot

(10:17) Yahaba: Same

(10:18) halfpint: feels good to have someone to tell u ur just an idiot when u think u have a concussion yknow

(10:18) Yahaba: Yeah, Kentarou did that to me when I got a concussion, but I lunged at him and punched him instead of feeling reassured lol oops

(10:18) halfpint: so like do u top

(10:18) Yahaba: What

(10:18) halfpint: r u a power bottom instead

(10:18) Yahaba: Oh  
(10:18) Yahaba: Of course I top

(10:18) halfpint: lmao ur bf looks like a top

(10:18) Yahaba: He’s something else for me

(10:18) halfpint: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:18) NaCl: screenshotted

(10:18) Yahaba: Go back home, cunt

(10:19) NaCl: _Attached image_ i am home  
(10:19) NaCl: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:19) halfpint: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:19) Yahaba: B y e

(10:19) NaCl: goodwork, hoshiumi

(10:19) halfpint: thx bud u too

 

  
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(12:13) Mommy: Ennoshita-san, Yamamoto-san, I miss you already.

(12:14) ennoshita: i miss you too akaashi-san

(12:14) everything nice: same but u only live like 5km away lmao

(12:14) Mommy: Still.

(12:14) ennoshita: purely out of curiousity, how come we never invited the captains of ubugawa or shinzen to the chat

(12:14) everything nice: idk it’s too crowded in here for those hoes

(12:14) Mommy: Aren't you really good friends with the captain of Shinzen?

(12:14) everything nice: yeah lmao

(12:14) ennoshita: i, too, call my good friends hoes

(12:14) Mommy: I don't. #Respect.

(12:14) everything nice: #irreverence

(12:14) ennoshita: #obey

(12:14) Mommy: Chikara, please.

(12:14) ennoshita: is it bad that i trigger people in my free time for fun

(12:15) everything nice: no it's gr8

(12:15) Mommy: Yes.

(12:15) ennoshita: oops

(12:15) Mommy: The word “trigger” triggers me.

(12:15) ennoshita: good

(12:15) everything nice: roasted like a peanut

(12:15) Mommy: I’m leaving.

(12:15) ennoshita: please know that i love you

(12:15) everything nice: what a great romance

 

  
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(14:47) Daddy: is there anything fucking worse than hearing someone moan your brother’s name in the next room because i’d like to know

(14:47) NaCl: who

(14:47) Daddy: idfk just some slut

(14:48) NaCl: triggered  
(14:48) NaCl: i am triggered

(14:48) Daddy: _Attached video_  can u hear it

(14:48) NaCl: LEAVE NOW AND MAKE HIM BEG THE LORD FOR FORGIVENESS

(14:48) Daddy: i wanna roast u rn but i won't

(14:48) NaCl: stfu ur a slut too

(14:48) Daddy: i'm c o m m i t t e d now

(14:48) #1: Are you really, Miya, are you really?

(14:48) NaCl: get roasted

(14:48) Daddy: ask keiji

(14:48) #1: Akaashi, are you in a committed relationship with Miya Atsumu?

(14:48) Mommy: I know as well as you do.

(14:48) NaCl: miya is still a slut confirmed

(14:48) Daddy: keiji, will u be my boyfriend

(14:48) #1: Interesting timing

(14:48) Mommy: No.

(14:49) NaCl: no amount of analgesics is going to numb that pain lmao

(14:49) Daddy: keiji im hurt

(14:49) Mommy: Ask me in person.

(14:49) #1: Maybe you should make him an edlible arrangement when you ask

(14:49) Daddy: shit it has to be better than that

(14:49) NaCl: akaashi is stunningly beautiful and incredibly intelligent, and you really don't deserve him, so it better be fucking amazing, miya

(14:49) Mommy: Thank you for your kind words. Likewise.

(14:49) Daddy: i feel like that was a roast  
(14:49) Daddy: but i agree keiji is so lovely that i cried

(14:49) #1: Did you really?

(14:49) Daddy: yes

(14:49) #1: I’m happy for you

(14:49) Daddy: but i just got rejected

(14:50) #1: You've never really had any respect for anyone you've dated in the past, and I think it’s nice that you really truly admire him

(14:50) NaCl: that’s actually really sweet

(14:50) Daddy: kiyoomi ur making me cry

(14:50) Mommy: Same.

(14:50) Daddy: keiji date me

(14:50) Mommy: Later.

(14:50) #1: Plot twist: Akaashi asks out Atsumu

(14:50) NaCl: on the list of things that'll never happen

(14:50) Daddy: on the list of things i wish would happen

(14:50) Mommy: No.

(14:50) Daddy: i like u

(14:50) Mommy: I know.

(14:51) NaCl: that's gottahurt

(14:51) Daddy: u know it :’)

(14:51) #1: Akaashi, he suffers for you. You should date him

(14:51) Mommy: I’m thinking about it.

(14:51) Daddy: best wingman

(14:51) #1: You're welcome.

 

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(18:17) NaCl: terushima, kawanishi is upset  
(18:17) NaCl: come eat his ass or something bc it's getting annoying, and he won't tell me what's wrong

(18:18) spice daddy: he's pissed that u ate his gummy worms

(18:18) NaCl: he's so fucking petty  
(18:18) NaCl: i did that bc he ate my sour patch

(18:18) spice daddy: l o l

(18:18) NaCl: this is kawanishi. i didn’t eat his sour patch. i gave them to one of the first years because he asked nicely; that does not mean shirabu can eat my gummy worms

(18:18) spice daddy: okay babe good to know lmao

(18:18) NaCl: ugh he gave them to a first year  
(18:18) NaCl: it better have been one that i like

(18:19) spice daddy: ngl knowing him it probably wasnt

(18:19) NaCl: i'm gonna eat all his food from now on

(18:19) spice daddy: shirabu pls

(18:19) NaCl: enjoy ur pissy bf

 

  
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(19:24) futafuckme: i aspire to reach shirabu’s level of pettiness

(19:24) Mommy: Same.

(19:24) futafuckme: has miya asked u out yet

(19:24) Mommy: Properly? No. 

(19:24) futafuckme: damn

(19:25) Mommy: Yeah.

(19:25) futafuckme: so like  
(19:25) futafuckme: just out of curiosity  
(19:25) futafuckme: did u guys by any chance  
(19:25) futafuckme: get it on yet…

(19:25) Mommy: To some degree, yes.

(19:25) futafuckme: we need to hold a party to celebrate lmao

(19:25) Mommy: It’s okay. I don't want a party.

(19:25) futafuckme: are u keeping it on the dl

(19:25) Mommy: What do you mean?

(19:25) futafuckme: like not public

(19:26) Mommy: Public is fine as long as it's not explicit.

(19:26) futafuckme: k i ship it so hard  
(19:26) futafuckme: teru and i are gonna throw a party and ur gonna love it

(19:26) Mommy: Are you sure?

(19:26) futafuckme: i hope so bc it's gonna be for u lmao

(19:26) Mommy: Lol

 

  
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(13:42) Daddy: shirabu guess what ijust walked in on lmao

(13:42) NaCl: no

(13:42) Daddy: osamus watching tapes of shiratorizawas matches

(13:42) NaCl: 1) who watches tapes anymore 2) why

(13:43) Daddy: 1) him 2) he was like we have to study bctheyre rly good and i was like no we don't and then u dived and he paused it and we both just stared at your ass for a good two minutes it was great

(13:43) NaCl: i feel so violated. i hope you both choke

(13:43) Daddy: anyway the reason im telling uthis is because i want you to come kill him

(13:43) NaCl: what's in it for you

(13:43) Daddy: i ate his food earlier and he keeps telling me when i was your age blah blah and i want to kms  
(13:43) Daddy: “when i was your age, i definitely wasn't eating my brother’s food”  
(13:43) Daddy: he’s so fucking passive aggressive  
  
(13:43) NaCl: i can’t decide which one of you has to die first

 

  
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(20:13) spice daddy: yamamoto yamamoto yamamoto  
(20:13) spice daddy: yahaba yahaba yahaba

(20:13) everything nice: wut

(20:13) spice daddy: akaaahi akaashi akaashi

(20:14) everything nice: the suspense is killing me

(20:14) spice daddy: GUESS WHO IM WITH

(20:14) Mommy: Whom.

(20:14) spice daddy: IM WITH

(20:14) everything nice: drumrolling

(20:14) Yahaba: Oikawa-san.

(20:14) spice daddy: _Attached image_ LOOK AT THE TRASHES I FOUND WALKING DOWN THE STREET

(20:14) Mommy: Bokuto-san isn't trash, but I agree; the other two are.

(20:14) Yahaba: Damn

(20:14) spice daddy: WHAT YAHABA SAID

(20:14) everything nice: not gonna lie  
(20:14) everything nice: kuroo can be trash sometimes

(20:14) spice daddy: he said hes offended and he will remember this forever  
(20:14) spice daddy: and surprisingly enough oikawa is too busy comforting kuroo to be also be an offended drama queen/king/whatev

(20:14) Yahaba: Tell Oikawa-san that I'm sorry for being a shitty kouhai.

(20:14) spice daddy: he blew u a kiss  
(20:14) spice daddy: nyway  
(20:15) spice daddy: can we appreciate the little overalls theyre wearing lmao

(20:15) Mommy: Yeah, they're kind of cute.

(20:15) spice daddy: they went to see ushiwakas farm and i came with and a cow peed all over bokutos face and kuroo got rejected by a pig it was great

(20:15) Mommy: Did you guys have fun?

(20:15) spice daddy: y e s

(20:15) everything nice: that's cute

(20:15) spice daddy: shirabu are u here

(20:15) NaCl: what

(20:15) Yahaba: Ask him about his Wakatoshi book

(20:15) NaCl: idk what ur talking about

(20:15) spice daddy: SHIRABU  
(20:15) spice daddy: did u have a crush on ushiwaka ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(20:15) NaCl: what no

(20:15) Yahaba: Yes, he did

(20:15) Mommy: Tell us more.

(20:15) NaCl: akaashi-san:(

(20:15) Mommy: I’m sorry.

(20:16) Yahaba: Let’s start with the reason Shirabu attended Shiratorizawa

(20:16) NaCl: please don't

(20:16) everything nice: please do

(20:16) Yahaba: In middle school, Shirabu walked out of the bathroom and wasn't looking up, and he bumped into the glorious chest of first-year Ushijima Wakatoshi. Of course, Shirabu fell to the ground because Ushijima is quite sturdy, but Ushijima helped the little boy back up

(20:16) spice daddy: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(20:16) everything nice: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(20:16) Yahaba: He grabbed Shirabu’s hand as he pulled him up, and it was one-sided-love at first sight  
(20:16) Yahaba: Shirabu squealed like a schoolgirl as his heart throbbed

(20:16) NaCl: THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED

(20:16) Yahaba: Shush. Let me finish  
(20:16) Yahaba: Ushijima asked if Shirabu was okay, and he said something incoherent as he stared at Ushijima with awe. He then ran away and found himself at a Shiratorizawa match an hour later

(20:16) spice daddy: juicy

(20:16) Yahaba: Shirabu, again, stared at a spiking Ushijima with awe, and said, ‘I’m gonna go there! I wanna suck his dick!’

(20:16) NaCl: YAHABA

(20:16) Yahaba: I’m. Not. Done.

(20:16) NaCl: i’m gonna leak your nudes

(20:16) Yahaba: Do it, bitch

(20:16) NaCl: WATCH me

(20:16) Yahaba: Anyway, that's how it began. Shirabu studied super hard to get into the high school because he used to be dumb

(20:17) NaCl: yahaba i swear to god

(20:17) Yahaba: And he got into the school and CP classes. Yay. Then he joined the volleyball team and drooled over Ushijima sliding those pink shorts down his disturbingly muscular legs

(20:17) NaCl: they're not disturbing

(20:17) Yahaba: Says you

(20:17) spice daddy: i like them #lowkey

(20:17) NaCl: see

(20:17) Yahaba: Lol, whatever. Terushima likes everyone

(20:17) everything nice: he might have dino legs but have u seen his face

(20:17) Yahaba: Shirabu sure has

(20:17) NaCl: we all have

(20:17) spice daddy: he's like ridiculously handsome

(20:17) everything nice: ikr

(20:17) Yahaba: And that's why 15-year-old Shirabu fell for him  
(20:17) Yahaba: And guess who joined journalism and stole all the photos of the volleyball team?

(20:17) NaCl: i did not

(20:18) Mommy: Sounds like something he’d do.

(20:18) NaCl: i took some of them myself or with him

(20:18) Yahaba: He bought a shit ton of washi tape and started documenting their lives together in a scrap book

(20:18) spice daddy: that's so cute

(20:18) NaCl: shut up

(20:18) Yahaba: He had this page with like two boston terriers and a house and his and Ushijima’s faces were pasted on top of some couple. It was fucking fantastic, really. He gave the book to Ushijima on the day of graduation as he cried

(20:18) everything nice: literal goals

(20:18) NaCl: that didn't happen i wasn't gay then

(20:18) Mommy: You never gave it to him?

(20:18) NaCl: i mean i did and he liked it a lot but i didn't cry

(20:18) Yahaba: Keep telling yourself that

(20:18) NaCl: go fuck yourself

(20:18) Yahaba: We can videochat while you whack off to my nudes

(20:18) NaCl: .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT THUNDERED RLY LOUD WHEN I WAS EDITING AND I ALMOST DIED BUT THE RAIN IS SO BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOD  
> lmao this tree was swaying and i put on hips don't lie and took a sc vid and my friend surprisingly found it as amusing as i did and i feel proud
> 
> i could cry about how much i love these boys


	13. narcicism is too hard to spell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoshiumi has a date + stalker + yamamoto has hoes + yahabas nudes + futakuchi feels dirty + the biscuit game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the links on ppls names in the last convo are just pictures of them in case u know u need reference

(13:45) Daddy: :’) my brother hugged me for the first time in like seven years bc we were playing a claw machine game and we finally won after like 20 tries and i was like we r hugging and he was like if u tell anyone i’ll spit on all your clothes and just why

(13:45) Mommy: You just told someone, nine people, actually.

(13:45) Daddy: he doesn’t have to know that

(13:45) NaCl: yes, he does

(13:45) Daddy: shirabu why

(13:46) Mommy: Because you stared at his ass.

(13:46) Daddy: jesus help me

(13:46) NaCl: jesus only helps the good

(13:46) Daddy: guess he isn't helping u either then

(13:46) NaCl: stfu

 

  
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(19:38) halfpint: GUESS WHO WAS IMPATIENT AND ASKED OUT HIS FRIEND WAY BEFORE WE EVEN KNEW PROM WAS OFFICIAL

(19:38) ennoshita: let me think

(19:38) halfpint: TJATS RIGHT ME

(19:39) ennoshita: shocker

(19:39) #1: I’m considerably shook

(19:39) halfpint: SAMEEEEE  
(19:39) halfpint: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(19:39) #1: So, I’m guessing he said yes?

(19:39) halfpint: YES HELL YES AHHHHHHHHHJJHHHHHHJ

(19:39) ennoshita: what did he say exactly

(19:39) halfpint: he was like yeah whatever gay boy can we go get ice cream now and I wasnlikYESSSS

(19:39) #1: Congratulations

(19:29) halfpint: THANKKSSSS

(19:39) everything nice: what kinda ice cream

(19:39) ennoshita: is that really what you're concerned about, yamamoto

(19:39) everything nice: it's important

(19:39) halfpint: IDK BUT ITS PURPLE AND ITS THAT KIND WHERE THE GUY ROLLS IT UP WITH A SPATULA LOOKING THING AND IT TASTWS FUCKIN GOOD

(19:40) everything nice: pic

(19:40) halfpint: _Attached image_

(19:40) everything nice: i think i just came

(19:40) ennoshita: yamamoto.

(19:40) everything nice: i’m serious

(19:40) halfpint: BYE GYYS IM STILL KINDA ON A DATE SO

(19:40) ennoshita: they grow up so fast

(19:40) everything nice: :(

 

  
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(22:14) Daddy: does anyone else get texts from presumably a japanese god or stalker idk that say ‘i’m watching you’ every time you're about to do something bad

(22:17) spice daddy: what the fuck miya  
(22:17) spice daddy: thats weird like even for me

(22:17) Daddy: glad i'm not the only one who thinks so

 

  
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Chat: Mommy and spice daddy

 

(22:17) Mommy: That presumable stalker happens to be Osamu and I. Atsumu doesn't know, of course. Let’s keep it that way, shall we?

(22:17) spice daddy: akaashi why

(22:17) Mommy: To fuck with him.

(22:18) spice daddy: lmao i have no words

 

  
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Chat: the spice girls (#1, Daddy, ennoshita, everything nice, halfpint, Mommy, NaCl, spice daddy, supreme dream queen, and Yahaba)

  
(17:18) everything nice: _Attached image_  
(17:18) everything nice: why do they call it a selfie

(17:18) NaCl: because it's self taken

(17:18) everything nice: because narcicism is too hard to spell

(17:19) NaCl: dude

(17:19) everything nice: that was done on purpose

(17:19) NaCl: that was stupid but kind of a good one tbh

(17:19) everything nice: thanks do u think i can get hoes with that line

(17:19) NaCl: no, they’ll get upset lol

(17:19) everything nice: ur right  
(17:19) everything nice: how does one acquire hoes

(17:19) NaCl: ask yahaba

(17:19) Yahaba: What  
(17:20) Yahaba: Oh, you want hoes

(17:20) everything nice: ya

(17:20) Yahaba: Rule #1: Don't let them know you think they're hoes  
(17:20) Yahaba: Anyway, ask Terushima how to get them

(17:20) spice daddy: estoy aquí

(17:20) Yahaba: We’re not talking in Spanish right now, Terushima

(17:20) everything nice: teru how do i get hella hoes

(17:20) spice daddy: ooh  
(17:20) spice daddy: get a tongue piercling  
(17:20) spice daddy: they #loveit

(17:20) everything nice: nvm the hoe life isn't for me

(17:20) Yahaba: Keep being a good kid, and maybe you'll get your desired hoes later

(17:21) everything nice: it's okay

(17:21) spice daddy: u already have like 9 hoes in this chat  
(17:21) spice daddy: and tanaka and noya and kinoshita

(17:21) everything nice: o

(17:21) Yahaba: You're a pimp now, Taketora

(17:21) everything nice: 2much responsibility

(17:21) spice daddy: accept ur responsibility

 

  
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(00:12) futafuckme: yahaba u never threw ur party for making nationals

(00:12) Yahaba: Do I have to?

(00:13) ennoshita: it’s tradition

(00:13) Yahaba: Idk how

(00:13) futafuckme: oh right seijoh hasn’t made nationals in like a million years

(00:13) Yahaba: Shut up, thot

(00:13) NaCl: i can help you

(00:13) Yahaba: With?

(00:13) NaCl: the party obviously

(00:13) Yahaba: Shirabu is now my lord and savior

(00:13) ennoshita: your party-planning fairy

(00:14) NaCl: what the hell, ennoshita

(00:14) futafuckme: ennoshita i love u sm

(00:14) ennoshita: unrequited

(00:14) Yahaba: Damn

(00:14) NaCl: rip futakuchi

(00:14) futafuckme: i’m taking you with me6ft under, party-planning fairy

(00:14) NaCl: who uses ft in japan

(00:14) Yahaba: Futanari, apparently  
(00:14) Yahaba: Come over, party-planning fairy. We have work to do.

(00:14) NaCl: call me that again, and the party-planning fairy is going to kick your dick

(00:14) Yahaba: Bet you won't

(00:14) NaCl: who’s the biggest slut we know

(00:14) ennoshita: futakuchi

(00:14) futafuckme: me  
(00:14) futafuckme: wait :(  
(00:14) futafuckme: what about terushima

(00:14) NaCl: i will send futakuchi your nudes, yahabitch

(00:15) Yahaba: I’d prefer that you kick my dick, thanks

(00:15) ennoshita: terushima isn't a slut anymore

(00:15) futafuckme: ig but we still have kinoshita

(00:15) Yahaba: Kinoshita isn't as bad as you

(00:15) ennoshita: ^

(00:15) NaCl: i’m coming over tomorrow at 8, yahaba

(00:15) Yahaba: Kk

(00:15) futafuckme: can i ask a weird question

(00:15) Yahaba: Is not every question you ask weird?

(00:15) NaCl: that was awkwardly phrased

(00:15) futafuckme: have u guys ever fucked

(00:15) Yahaba: No

(00:15) NaCl: NO

(00:16) futafuckme: fr

(00:16) Yahaba: Yes

(00:16) futafuckme: u guys like  
(00:16) futafuckme: give off sexual tension vibes

(00:16) ennoshita: ^

(00:16) Yahaba: If you think that, then you should see him with Osamu

(00:16) futafuckme: that's hot asf

(00:16) NaCl: this is why we think you're a slut

(00:16) futafuckme: come on i didn't even say anything slutty

(00:16) ennoshita: we know you were thinking something slutty

(00:16) Yahaba: What Ennoshita said

(00:16) futafuckme: o k a y maybe i was lol

(00:16) NaCl: what were you thinking

(00:16) Yahaba: Why would you ask that

(00:17) ennoshita: you probably don't want to know, really

(00:17) NaCl: i do

(00:17) futafuckme: i’ll leave that to ur imagination

(00:17) NaCl: i hate you

(00:17) futafuckme: iknow;)

(00:17) Yahaba: Fuck each other already

(00:17) NaCl: ew no bye

(00:17) futafuckme: k not to be 12 but that is n o t what u said a few weeks ago

(00:17) ennoshita: futakuchi, you're not only a slut now, but you're also a fuckboy

(00:17) futafuckme: :( i’m sorry

(00:17) Yahaba: Who are you apologizing to?

(00:17) futafuckme: idk everyone

(00:17) NaCl: apology denied

(00:18) ennoshita: ^

(00:18) Yahaba: Apology accepted

(00:18) futafuckme: thanks, yahaba ur the best

 

  
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(01:48) Daddy: does anyone else like just loVE SUCCULENT

(01:48) #1: You're weird, Miya

(01:48) Daddy: sakusa wth are u doing up

(01:48) #1: Komori and I are having a sleepover, and he won't let me sleep

(01:48) Daddy: that's so cute  
(01:48) Daddy: have u guys fucked yet

(01:48) #1: This is why I can't call you my friend

(01:48) Daddy: Hi, this is Osamu. I apologize on Atsumu’s behalf.

(01:48) #1: Thank you

(01:49) Daddy: so i take it u didn't fuck

(01:49) #1: Even if we did, I wouldn't tell you

(01:49) Daddy: sakusa did u ever have a crush on wakatoshi bc in first yr it looked like u did

(01:49) #1: No

(01:49) Daddy: are u srs

(01:49) #1: Yes

(01:49) Daddy: sakusa kiyoomi  
(01:49) Daddy: do u realize what's uve done

(01:49) #1: No, but I sense that you don't like it, and that makes me happy

(01:49) Daddy: osamu and i made a bet  
(01:49) Daddy: and he's like reading over my shoulder, so i can't even lie  
(01:49) Daddy: now i have to be his slave for a week :(

(01:50) #1: Have fun

(01:50) Daddy: dude he just asked me to admit to eating his food

(01:50) #1: Have fun

(01:50) Daddy: ihysm

(01:50) #1: I’m amazed you didn't make a suicide reference

(01:50) Daddy: yeah i’m working on that

 

  
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(08:34) Yahaba: _Attached Image_  
(08:34) Yahaba: Look at Shirabu and Watari discussing plans for the party. Aren't they cute?

(08:35) spice daddy: adorable lmao

(08:35) Yahaba: Ikr

 

  
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(10:27) futafuckme: so i went to aones house and he got a baby turtle and like  
(10:27) futafuckme: idk  
(10:27) futafuckme: _Attached image_  
(10:27) futafuckme: she’s rly cute

(10:27) Mommy: She’s so small.

(10:27) futafuckme: makes me wanna scream

(10:27) Mommy: Same.

 

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(09:14) futafuckme: hello, i’m in a catholic hell  
(09:14) futafuckme: if i don't make it out of here alive, please know i love you all, and it was a wild ride

(09:14) spice daddy: i will pray for u

(09:15) ennoshita: the irony

(09:15) Daddy: are u in church

(09:15) futafuckme: yes  
(09:15) futafuckme: looking at these people makes me feel so dirty

(09:15) ennoshita: because you are dirty

(09:15) everything nice: roasted like a peanut

(09:15) futafuckme: wow  
(09:15) futafuckme: i have to pray now

(09:15) spice daddy: how do u pray just like put ur hands together and say amen or what

(09:15) Daddy: idk

(09:16) futafuckme: my mom says i need jesus but what's he gonna do for me

(09:16) spice daddy: ask not what he can do for you but what you can do for him

(09:16) futafuckme: fuck off lol

(09:16) spice daddy: lol k

 

  
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(23:11) everything nice: hi i’m b o r e d

(23:11) halfpint: wanna play a game

(23:12) everything nice: wat game

(23:12) halfpint: let me give u an example and u make another one k

(23:12) everything nice: k

(23:12) halfpint: miya atsumu looks like the guy who suggests that we play the biscuit game at a party  
(23:12) halfpint: get it

(23:12) everything nice: wait what's the biscuit game

(23:12) Mommy: It’s a fraternity game.

(23:12) halfpint: yeah

(23:12) everything nice: i wanna play

(23:13) Mommy: I somehow doubt that lol.

(23:13) everything nice: why

(23:13) halfpint: tell him,,, i cant do it

(23:13) Mommy: It’s when all of the members jerk off and come on a cracker, and whoever comes last has to eat it.

(23:13) everything nice: o  
(23:13) everything nice: lmao yeah miya does look like he'd do that

(23:13) Mommy: Kamasaki Yasushi looks like the guy who taps your shoulder and asks, “What?” when you turn around and look at him.

(23:13) everything nice: akaashi keiji looks like the waiter who scoffs at your choice of wine  
(23:13) everything nice: no offense ilybro

(23:14) Mommy: None taken.

(23:14) halfpint: is kyoutani yahabas bf

(23:14) Mommy: Yeah.

(23:14) halfpint: kyoutani looks like the guy who paints his nails black every tuesday and talks to the voices in his head

(23:14) everything nice: lmaooo

(23:14) Mommy: [Komi Haruki](https://myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/characters/5/297256.jpg) looks like the guy who insists, “It’s not the size; it's how you use it,” with a suggestive wink.

(23:14) everything nice: kuroo tetsurou looks like the gay who ends every text with a variation of the emoji “:3”

(23:14) halfpint: bokuto koutarou looks like the guy who had a scene phase when he was 12

(23:14) Mommy: Lol he did.

(23:14) halfpint: omg

(23:15) Mommy: Tendou Satori looks like the guy you'd catch masturbating on a bus who would grin at you while he has his hand in his pants.

(23:15) everything nice: aone takanobu looks like the guy who still has his build a bear from when he was7 chilling on his bed, waiting for him to come home

(23:15) halfpint: iwaizumi hajime looks like the guy who only wears khakis

(23:15) Mommy: Is that the guy from Seijoh?

(23:15) halfpint: ya want a pic from oikawas insta lmao

(23:15) everything nice: pls

(23:15) halfpint: _Attached image_

(23:15) Mommy: Who’s the one on the utmost left?

(23:15) halfpint: hanamaki takahiro

(23:15) Mommy: Hanamaki Takahiro looks like the guy who screams, “Papi!” as he comes. While in bed with a girl.

(23:15) everything nice: oikawa tooru looks like the kid who says, “it’s just because i’m gay!” to anyone who doesn't like him or doesn't do what he wants

(23:16) Mommy: Who's the one on Oikawa’s right?

(23:16) halfpint: matsukawa issei

(23:16) Mommy: Matsukawa Issei looks like the guy who gets suspended because the janitor caught him getting a blowjob from another boy in the stairwell at the end of the hallway.

(23:16) halfpint: dead  
(23:16) halfpint: kozume kenma looks like the kid who always says “i dont know” when the teacher calls on him but gets 100 on every test

(23:16) everything nice: HE IS  
(23:16) everything nice: tsukishima kei looks like the guy who corrects you in every conversation because, “that wasn't politically correct,” and pushes up his glasses with his middle finger with every interjection

(23:16) Mommy: Lol  
(23:16) Mommy: [Sarukui Yamato ](http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/c/c6/Yamato_Sarukui.png/revision/latest?cb=20160217041913&path-prefix=es)looks like the guy who hangs around by the fence after school at 4:20 p.m. and asks, “You wanna buy some drugs, kid?”

(23:16) halfpint: dude  
(23:16) halfpint: azumane asahi looks like the guy who spends his saturdays in colorful drapes and beads with sandals on while hes spreading his love to the trees

(23:17) everything nice: [outaki mako](https://cdn.anisearch.com/images/character/cover/full/60/60202.jpg) looks like the girl who says, “no thanks, i'm on a strict pussy diet,” when a guy asks her out (i may or may not speak from experience)

(23:17) Mommy: [Coach Nekomata](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/627704239796518912/BLwEAu--.jpg) looks like the old man who walks up to you at the park with a smile and a pamphlet that reads "How did life begin?" who then asks, “Would you like to find Jesus today?”

(23:17) halfpint: [coach washijou](https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/3/37/Washijo1.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20170504223101) looks like the old man who growls at bypassers in the park while he throws bread to the ducks

(23:17) everything nice: semi eita looks like the guy who wore combat boots to school and had unspoken competitions over who was more emo with bokuto when they were 12

(23:17) Mommy:[ Komori Motoya](https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/e35/15043528_1163221650413450_427937025111359488_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTM4NjIzMjQxNjAyMDI2NDY1OQ%3D%3D.2) looks like he rubs his temples and says, “He has a big dick, Motoya. It's okay, Motoya,” every time his boyfriend does something stupid.

(23:17) halfpint: sawamura daichi looks like the guy who proudly cracks a watermelon with his thighs for the camera while wearing jean short shorts and fur boots

(23:17) everything nice: nishinoya yuu looks like the guy who slips and breaks his leg while singing classic rock in the shower, but tells people he was wrestling with a bear

(23:17) Mommy: [Numajiri Rintarou](https://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/2/26/Rintaro-numajiri-1.png/revision/latest?cb=20160117051450) looks like the guy who keeps his eyes open while he kisses your best friend in the hallway and creepily winks at you as you walk by.

(23:17) halfpint: [towada yoshiki](https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/a/a8/YoshikiTowada-1.png/revision/latest?cb=20160402014132) looks like the guy who throws a bullet at his daughter/sister’s date and say “theres a faster one where that came from if you're back late”

(23:18) everything nice: how do you know all these people

(23:18) halfpint: instagram lmao

(23:18) Mommy: Nice.

(23:18) futafuckme: what are u guys doing

(23:18) halfpint: read up and youll get it

(23:18) everything nice: after slapping himself on the court, [shirabu kenjirou](http://68.media.tumblr.com/8fc32afcc5a9c09c0f3973bd045f1b93/tumblr_inline_nqw7tgZxUp1sgwxkc_540.png) looks like the guy who casually asks and talks to himself about his day

(23:18) futafuckme: i like this

(23:18) Mommy: [Daishou Suguru](https://myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/characters/15/299324.jpg) looks like the guy who backs into your car with his red corvette, says, “oopsies,” and drives off without leaving a note.

(23:18) futafuckme: terushima yuuji looks like the guy who'd justify fucking your boyfriend by saying, “how could i deprive him of this dick?”

(23:18) halfpint: terushima yuuji looks like the guy whod justify making out with your boyfriend by saying “it’s a human right to kiss a pierced tongue”

(23:18) everything nice: [sugawara koushi](http://orig05.deviantart.net/64ce/f/2016/166/8/5/4apqmopszms27pmjxjgi_screenshot_2015_12_05_19_35_0_by_yoshikawamika-da6bp7i.png) looks like the guy who has a collection of leather whips and ball gags in his closet and makes his s/o sign contracts before they have sex

(23:18) Mommy: [Futakuchi Kenji](https://myanimelist.cdn-dena.com/images/characters/15/260075.jpg) looks like the guy who wears his sweater around his neck and plays golf with the boys every Tuesday at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

(23:19) futafuckme: [kita shinsuke](https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/d/dd/Shinsuke.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20170330201225) looks like that kid who never talks in class but knows all of everyone’s deepest, darkest secrets

(23:19) halfpint: [kuguri naoyasu](https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/e/e5/Kuguri1.png/revision/latest?cb=20160403015456) looks like the guy who's only still playing volleyball because the coach buys them subway after every game/practice match

(23:19) everything nice: [hiroo kouji](https://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/6/69/HirooManga.PNG/revision/latest?cb=20161130234623) looks like the guy who’s still going through that emo phase that started when he was 12 and stopped making contact with bokuto and semi when they became normies

(23:19) Mommy: Hinata Shouyou looks like the kid who skips through the town square asking people how their days were.

(23:19) everything nice: that's so cute like literally him lmao

(23:19) futafuckme: it really is  
(23:19) futafuckme: [fukunaga shouhei](https://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/haikyuu/images/f/f7/Fukunaga.png/revision/latest?cb=20150113042508) looks like he's perpetually wondering whether he left the oven on

(23:19) halfpint: [moniwa kaname](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/756006591963496448/WDmfkJzW.jpg) looks like a distressed single mom who lost her children in walmart

(23:19) futafuckme: [komaki yuzuru](http://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s480x480/e35/13740947_746820002127767_802556675_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTMwNzk4Mzg3OTM5OTU3NDE3NA%3D%3D.2) looks like the guy who'll make sure you know he's smarter than you by casually testing your political knowledge in conversation and using words that nobody else in the room can spell

(23:19) Mommy: Yaichi Hitoka looks like the girl who apologizes to inanimate objects after bumping into them.

(23:19) everything nice: [koganegawa kanji](https://d.wattpad.com/story_parts/247081226/images/1446e7f34c830e65.jpg) looks like the guy who insists that his haircut will be “in style in 10 years, just you wait”

(23:19) Daddy:

   
(23:19) Daddy: look guys i found an ancient artifact

(23:19) halfpint: haiba lev looks like he comes home to 12 kittens and a kamchatka brown bear that's twice his size and showers them all with love and hugs for two hours before doing his homework

(23:19) Daddy: o did i interrupt something

(23:20) everything nice: i was gonna do one for miya but i can't think of anything bad tbh

(23:20) Mommy: Miya Atsumu looks like the twin who wanted to wear color-coordinating outfits and hug when they were little but always got rejected by his brother.

(23:20) Daddy: keiji,,, ur mean  
(23:20) Daddy: he did match outfits with me sometimes, so h a  
(23:20) Daddy: akaashi keiji looks like the guy on the front cover of a bl magazine

(23:20) halfpint: how do u know what the front cover of a bl magazine looks like

(23:20) Daddy: fuck u

(23:20) futafuckme: oikawa tooru looks like the main love interest in a shoujou manga

(23:20) everything nice: kuroo tetsurou looks like the guy your mother warned you about when you were little

(23:20) halfpint: i have a good one  
(23:20) halfpint: akaashi keiji looks like miya atsumu’s boyfriend  
(23:20) halfpint: BOOM  
(23:20) halfpint: TELL ME IM NOT THE BEST WINGMAN

(23:20) Daddy: hoshiumi :’’’)  
(23:21) Daddy: ilyyyy

(23:21) everything nice: wingman of the year right there

(23:21) Mommy: I truly have nothing to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if I'm gonna update tomorrow   
> i might rewrite yahabas party   
> anyway i'll either update tomorrow or within 7 days


	14. Because it's gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lots of couples

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck it I don't wanna rewrite  
> sry the party isn't lit bc this was highkey just an excuse to write /the couples/ also it's rly hard to write parties bc there are like 10 characters to focus on okay  
> also if u see *** it means I forgot to format my bad  
> anyway here ya go

“It’s so good to see you!” Yahaba put on a fake smile as he hugged and greeted nearly all of the guests at his doorstep. It was good to see maybe half of them, at max.

Shirabu stood with him at the door, but he didn't bother with a fake smile. “Yahaba, why are you hugging everyone? It’s gay,” Shirabu said just as a few members of the Inarizaki team showed up.

“Because it's gay,” Yahaba discreetly elbowed Shirabu’s abdomen before saying a jubilant hello to both Miyas, Ginjima, and Suna.

“Hey, guys,” Yahaba embraced them all, even the two he didn't know, because we all needed hugs from strangers every now and then.

Atsumu tried to hug Shirabu, but he was met with a glare from both Shirabu and Osamu. Atsumu put his hands in the air with a lopsided grin. “Sorry,” he said unapologetically. He led his friends inside of Yahaba’s house, but Osamu stayed back.

Osamu hugged Shirabu, but the latter didn't seem to appreciate the gesture as he said, “Don’t touch me. Why did you invite Inarizaki, Yahaba? They're not anywhere near our prefecture.”

Yahaba laughed instead of giving Shirabu some sort of, ‘you wanted me to invite teams from Tokyo, too, dumbass’ sass.

Osamu finally stopped hugging Shirabu. “Why are you still here?” Shirabu asked.

“Because you're here.”

“Shirabu, you should appreciate him more, you're never going to find someone who —”

“What's up, sluts?” Terushima waltzed over, bringing his 12 children with him.

“Hello,” Yahaba grinned.

While Yahaba gave out more hugs, Terushima leaned in and whispered to Shirabu, “Where's Kawanishi?”

 

  
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“Fancy seeing you here, Keiji,” Atsumu grinned as he sat down on a couch, a little too close to Keiji.

“Atsumu, you knew I was coming. We talked about this over the phone for an hour just last night.”

“I was trying to be cute, Keiji,” Atsumu sighed as he wrapped his arm around Keiji’s shoulder.

“My bad,” Keiji said, _unapologetically_.

“Hey, Keiji, will you go out with me?”

“I thought you were devising a glamorous plan.”

Atsumu pouted. “I can't think of anything glamorous.”

 

  
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“This is stupid, and I think I'm going to vomit if I have to stay sober for another second.”

“Kiyoomi, underaged drinking is bad,” Komori laughed and gave his boyfriend a friendly shove.

“Exactly. Let’s leave.”

“Come on, Kiyoomi, this is your friend’s party! You can't just leave when you've been here for less than three minutes!”

“Yes, we can,” Sakusa unhappily muttered as he grabbed onto Komori’s shirt and started pulling him towards the backdoor.

 

  
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“Where's the boyfriend?” Yamamoto wiggled his eyebrows as he sat down next to Hoshiumi in Yahaba’s kitchen.

“I left him and all the others at home because the train ticket was pretty expensive, and he doesn't really like parties with strangers, unfortunately,” Hoshiumi sighed.

“Aww, that sucks.”

“How'd you get all your kiddos here?” Hoshiumi gestured to Lev and Inuoka, by the snack table, socializing with first years from other Miyagi high schools.

“I somehow convinced coach to let us borrow the bus for a trip to Miyagi for ‘a practice match against the team going to nationals,’ and I told him Nekomata was coming with us, even though he retired, so there was no need for him to come, and he bought it,” Yamamoto said with pride.

“Dude, that's great.”

“Right?!”

 

  
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Terushima spinned the brown bottle on the table. _Land on Kawanishi. Land on Kawanishi_. It was so, so close to him when it started slowing down. _It’s going to land on Kawanishi_.

Goshiki.

Terushima exhaled gently but smiled at the boy. “Not gonna happen,” he said. Truth be told, Terushima and Kawanishi really shouldn't have been playing the game in the first place.

Goshiki frowned as Terushima tilted the bottle slightly towards Kawanishi.

“That’s cheating,” Kawanishi deadpanned.

Terushima laughed, walked over to them, kissed Goshiki’s cheek, and sat on his boyfriend’s lap to engage in a makeout session that shouldn't have been done in public.

 

  
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Ennoshita rubbed his temples and took a seat at Yahaba’s bar area. A granite countertop. He wondered if Tanaka and Nishinoya could break that, too.

“I need a drink,” Ennoshita frowned at Watari, who was bartending.

“What kind?”

Ennoshita whipped his head around when he heard Kageyama screaming and saw Hinata clinging onto him, biting his shoulder. He turned back to Watari with the best exasperated-mom-look he could possibly muster. “I don't care.”

“Alright,” Watari laughed and started mixing some liquids. He poured them from a metal shaker into a glass and garnished it just because he could. “I call this, ‘the Watari 9000,’” he said as he slid the glass towards Ennoshita.

“Creative,” Ennoshita took a sip. “Nice.”

 

  
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“Awkward,” Futakuchi smiled anyway as he looked at Shirabu with Osamu behind him, his arms around his waist and his chin resting on Shirabu’s head.

It wasn't until he had been standing in front of two people that he had slept with — or the couple he had slept with, whatever they might be — that Futakuchi had realized that he was, indeed, a slut.

“Hi, Futakuchi,” Shirabu said unenthusiastically.

“Shouldn’t Yahaba be at the door?” Futakuchi asked.

“He was, but his rabid boyfriend took him away.”

“Alrighty then,” Futakuchi smiled as he walked past Shirabu and his company, inside the house with Aone and their children following behind him.

“Just you and me now,” Osamu deadpanned.

“It's creepy when you say things like that so monotonously, and it's ‘you and I,’ not ‘you and me.’”

“‘Monotonously,’” Osamu repeated. That's all he got out of Shirabu’s last piece of dialogue.

“Why are you here?”

“Hmm?” Osamu frowned.

Shirabu tried to remove the boy’s arms from around his waist, but he failed and let out a sigh. “Like, why did you come tonight?”

“Oh. Atsumu isn't allowed to go to parties alone after last time.”

“That's stupid.”

“He’s stupid.”

 

  
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Yahaba sucked the card against his lips and turned to his boyfriend with a wink.

“No,” Kyoutani growled.

Yahaba frowned and blew the card away towards the crowd (Hinata and Kageyama raced to see who could get it first).

Kyoutani tightly grabbed Yahaba’s wrist and started to pull him through the possibly intoxicated teenagers, up the stairs, and down the end of the hall until they reached Yahaba’s bedroom.

Yahaba was pushed onto the bed not too long after he was dragged in the room. “Kentarou, I love you, but I have a party to host, so,” lips were pressed against Yahaba’s, “five minutes, max.”

 

  
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“Hey!” Yahaba greeted Akaashi and Miya Atsumu; they waved and said hellos. “Can I borrow Akaashi-san for a bit?” Yahaba remembered to be polite, especially with what he had planned coming up.

“Sure,” Akaashi said. Atsumu pouted, but he went with it after a minute or so.

Yahaba pulled Akaashi off the couch and towards the front door.

“What are we doing?” Akaashi practically yelled over the music, as he and Yahaba had gentle collisions with drunk, sweaty teenagers.

“You'll see,” Yahaba smirked.

They had found their way to the door, outside of which Shirabu and thing two resided.

“Hey, lovelies,” Yahaba began sweetly, “Can I borrow Kenjirou for a little while?”

“Sure,” Osamu answered. Shirabu wasn't sure whether he should be disturbed that Osamu answered for him or whether he should be happy that he had an excuse to leave him.

Anyhow, Shirabu and Akaashi let Yahaba pull them to the backyard, no questions asked (partly because of the deafening music inside and the slightly less deafening music outside).

They walked past Sakusa and Komori making out, but they pretended that the couple wasn’t there, except for Akaashi who commented, “Cute,” for some reason.

“Can you guys dance?” Yahaba asked.

“I guess,” Shirabu answered while Akaashi inquired further about the types of dance.

“Like…” Yahaba wondered whether he should tell them or not, “twerking.”

“Yes.”

“Not really,” Shirabu said.

Yahaba looked at Akaashi. “Can you teach him while I go inside real quick?”

“Of course.”

Akaashi smiled to Shirabu as Yahaba left them. “Have you ever tried twerking before, Shirabu-san?”

“No,” Shirabu flushed a little, and he didn't know why. Maybe he was embarrassed.

“That's a shame. You have such nice,” Akaashi paused to think before saying, “assets.”

 

  
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Yahaba pulled his friends towards two chairs spaced apart in the middle of the living room. He had the music stopped for the moment.

“Hey, everyone!” Yahaba began, “Until the clock strikes eleven, for $10 one of lovely friends — they're fine-looking setters, of course — will give you a three-minute lap dance!”

“Yahaba, when I said you needed to raise funds to pay for the party, this isn't what I meant,” Shirabu hissed into his ear.

Ignoring Shirabu’s complaint, Yahaba smacked the former’s ass and said, “Take a seat in one of those chairs, and hand your money to my man, Kindaichi over there!”

Akaashi frowned when he looked at the clock. There were about thirty-four minutes until eleven. He did not sign up for this. It was okay, though, because Atsumu pushed off the kid who sat in the seat closest to Akaashi and paid Kindaichi with a smile.

 

  
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“What’s wrong?” Aone asked Futakuchi, who turned to him with the most perplexed face he could muster.

“Aone, did you just talk?”

Aone nodded and took a seat in one of Yahaba’s lawn chairs as did Futakuchi.

“Nothing really. I just kind of miss Kamasaki is all, and I was thinking, shouldn't we retire since we aren't playing anymore?”

Aone shook his head, and Futakuchi laughed quietly.

“I'm guessing you want to stay until the bitter end when we have to graduate?” Aone nodded again. “Alright then.”

Aone’s expression changed ever so slightly, and Futakuchi assumed that he was content.

“Hey, the music just started again. Let's go back inside.”

 

  
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“So, like,” Hoshiumi was talking in between stuffing his face with fruits and cheetos (what an odd mix) from the snack area, “wanna play a game?”

“What game?” Yamamoto asked before shoving a deviled egg down his throat.

Hoshiumi was sitting on the floor across from Yamamoto, both with plates and bowls of refreshments, when Hoshiumi shoved a bowl of gummy bears towards Yamamoto.

“So, one of us says a word and eats a gummy, and the other adds onto the story and eats a gummy, and repeat.”

“He,” Yamamoto took a red gummy.

“Hung,” Hoshiumi took a pretty cyan one.

“Himself.” Yamamoto ate the head off of a blue one this time.

“Well, that took a dark turn,” Hoshiumi said before continuing the sentence with, “but,” and taking another gummy.

“His.”

“Wife.”

“Killed.”

“What is with you and death?” Hoshiumi rolled his eyes, but his eyes lit up when he found a gummy in his favorite color. “Him,” he continued.

“First.”

“On.”

“The.”

“Inside.”

“Deep, bro.”

 

  
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“I have a twin, and my bangs go to the left. Who am I?”

Sakusa rolled his eyes. “Atsumu. That was too easy; give me another one.”

“Fine, fine,” Komori laughed. “I’m from Miyagi; I like to make obscene gestures, and my team’s main color is black.”

“Tanaka Ryuunosuke.”

“Wow.”

“I’m a fish. I have blue stripes, and I'm yellow.”

“Uh, flounder?”

“Yes,” Sakusa confirmed.

“I’m the most gorgeous boy in the world, and I live in Tokyo.”

“You.”

Komori grinned and nudged Sakusa in the side. “Ha, you finally got one wrong. It’s you.”

“Shut up,” Sakusa muttered, but he really didn't mean it.

 

  
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“I really, truly do hate you.” Shirabu glared at Osamu as he walked towards him.

Osamu shrugged and sat in the chair beneath Shirabu.

 

  
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“Ah,” Terushima smiled as and his boyfriend walked down the stairs, “your best friend is giving someone other than his boyfriend a lap dance.”

A corner of Kawanishi’s mouth quirked upwards.

“Let's take a video!”

“Sure.” Kawanishi pulled out his phone.

 

  
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“Wow, Ennoshita, you're good at this,” Futakuchi said as a ping pong ball fell into a red cup with a splash.

“If you're trying to flirt with me, I think it's important that you know that my boyfriend is in the front,” Ennoshita said coolly.

“I wasn't, but if he wants to fight me, I can respect that.” Futakuchi smiled as he held a pink ping pong ball in between his fingers.

 

  
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“Keiji, why did you agree to do that?” Atsumu frowned and pulled Akaashi away from the two chairs in the middle of the stupid living room and away from the awfully loud music, and it was a wonder that the party didn't get shut down because they could faintly hear the music even after they were all the way down the street.

Once they were done walking, Akaashi finally answered, “I really didn't, but I couldn't just say, ‘No thanks, I’d rather eat a fried beetle,’ in front of everyone.”

“Keiji, that was so painful to watch,” Atsumu sighed.

Akaashi grabbed Atsumu by the collar and pulled him forward for a rough kiss that involved lip biting and the clashing of tongues until Atsumu forgot to breathe and had to pull apart.

In between winded gasps for air, “Okay,” Atsumu began, “then,” he finished.

Still gripping Atsumu’s collar, Akaashi leaned his forehead on Atsumu’s.

“Atsumu.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Atsumu looked at Akaashi, dumbstruck. His thoughts were somewhere between 'um, duh' and 'I was supposed to ask you.'

“Yes, fuck yes,” he barely has to tilt his chin to kiss Akaashi again.

 

  
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“Bro, you good?” Hoshiumi asked as he poked Yamamoto’s cheek and grabbed a handful of pretzels.

“She's so beautiful.” Yamamoto stared with pure awe at a girl with big brown eyes and a sandy-colored ponytail.

“Isn't that Futakuchi’s friend? Probably gay,” Hoshiumi shrugged.

“So gorgeous.” Yamamoto clutched his heart.

“Talk to her.”

“I can't!” Yamamoto poured.

“I’ll be back.”

Hoshiumi returned a few minutes later with a drink that he claimed was water but definitely didn't smell like water when Yamamoto downed it in one go.

“You should be able to talk to her pretty soon.”

Realization dawned upon Yamamoto. “You're evil.”

With absolutely no remorse, Hoshiumi laughed. “I'll get Tanaka and Noya to help hype you up. You stay here, under the snack table.”

 

  
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Approaching them from behind, Yahaba clapped his hands on Futakuchi’s and Ennoshita’s shoulders.

“Ennoshita, your goons are helping Yamamoto attempt to flirt with Futakuchi’s manager, and I’m not sure if she’s uncomfortable or if she finds it funny because Yamamoto is kind of a lightweight, and I’m pretty sure he's drunk.”

Ennoshita face palmed. “Are they harassing her? They mean no harm, I promise, but I'll kill them if she wants me to.”

“Wanna check it out?” Yahaba asked.

Futakuchi chimed in, “Um, yes, and Namestu is fine. She's good at handling drunk people.”

Ennoshita huffed, and his eyebrows furrowed. “She shouldn't have to.”

“She probably finds him entertaining.”

 

  
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Osamu locked the door behind him and Shirabu.

“We aren't having sex, if that's what you're thinking,” Shirabu clarified.

“‘Course not. It’s rude to do that in someone else’s house.”

Shirabu sits on the bed in Yahaba’s guest room, and Osamu sits beside him.

“What are we even doing?”

Favoring actions over words, Osamu pulled Shirabu closer and pressed their lips together.

Shirabu pulled away after a few minutes. “Well then.”

 

  
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“Stop saying you wanna die!” Komori wrapped a loving arm around Sakusa.

“But I do.”

“Fine, get wasted. Be my guest.”

“Ugh, what if the glasses are dirty?”

“Oh my god, Kiyoomi!” Komori grabbed a chunk of Sakusa’s curly locks and pulls him close enough to feel him breathe.

Sakusa could've sworn that they were going to kiss when he saw the longing look in Komori’s eyes, but nope.

Komori pulls back just enough for him to headbutt Sakusa with a bang.

Pained and clutching his now throbbing forehead, Sakusa asks, “Why?”

“Now, when you get your glass you'll just be focusing on the pain in your forehead instead of germs, or whatever!” Komori proudly exclaimed.

“I hate you.”

“You don't mean that.”

“I love you.”

“I know!”

 

  
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“Hey, Futakuchi, doesn't that kid look kind of like you?” Yahaba asked as they made their way to living room.

“Who? Where?”

Yahaba pointed to a guy with glasses, sporting a haircut awfully similar to Futakuchi’s.

Ennoshita muttered an, ‘oh my god,’ under his breath just as Futakuchi proclaimed that he wanted to fight him because how dare he come here looking so handsome and stealing his look?

“You can fight Yuzuru another time. We’re trying to save your friend right now,” Ennoshita grabbed Futakuchi’s ear and dragged him along behind Yahaba.

 

  
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“Teru, I’m tired. Can we take a break from dancing?” Kawanishi loosened his grip around his boyfriend’s waist.

“Sure, babe.” Terushima whirled around and winked at him. Kawanishi smiled at him and laced their fingers together.

They wandered into the next room, by the snacks, to find an unsightly picture.

Hoshiumi, Nishinoya, and Tanaka were acting as cheerleaders of some sorts, especially Tanaka, encouraging Yamamoto, and shoving him towards Nametsu, who was talking with Kaori when Yamamoto stopped in front of her, dropped to one and a half knees (he couldn't really remember the position) and pulled out a ring pop from his pocket.

“Hi,” he dragged out the i’s and looked at Nametsu with a lazy smile, “will you marry me?”

It looked like they got there just in time because Yahaba, Ennoshita, and Futakuchi were arriving as well.

Futakuchi held Ennoshita back from scolding his fellow captains and his teammates because apparently he found the situation entertaining.

“Just how boring is your life that you want to let this drag on?” Ennoshita hissed.

Futakuchi feigned offense, and Yahaba somewhat vouched for him. “Just let them be kids, Chikara.”

“Ugh, fine.”

They watched as Nametsu pet Yamamoto’s fluffy mohawk, accepted the ring with a thanks, and give him permission to follow her around for the rest of the night because he was her fiancé now.

“What just happened,” Terushima whispered into Kawanishi’s ear.

“They're getting married.”

“Will you marry me?” Terushima asked, jokingly.

“Sure.”

“Oh my god, Taichi, my heart,” Terushima histrionically clutched his chest.

 

  
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Sakusa had his third drink by the time the party simmered down.

 

  
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It’s two thirty seven in the morning when the after-after party begins. Everyone from Seijoh went home.

Futakuchi had Nametsu and Aone make sure their team got home safely, and he consoled Yamamoto that his fiancé would come back later (he doesn't have the heart to tell Yamamoto that she has a girlfriend).

Much to Terushima’s disappointment, Shirabu made Kawanishi go home and take everyone else from Shiratorizawa with him. Bobata took everyone from Johzenji home.

Komori wasn't necessarily happy to leave with the team but without his captain. On Itachiyama’s bus, Komori brought back Fukurodani (with the exception of Akaashi), who took the train to Miyagi.

Unlike Yamamoto, Fukunaga and Kenma didn't want to operate a vehicle while under the legal driving age at two in the morning, so they and the rest of the team slept in Yahaba’s guest room.

Ennoshita would have personally driven everyone from Karasuno home had he not drank earlier that evening, but instead, he held his breath and hoped that Narita was sensible enough to take care of it.

Osamu wasn't allowed to leave without Atsumu, so he was unfortunately stuck (he spent the night getting to know Nekoma); he told Suna and Ginjima to save themselves before they left.

Hoshiumi was glad he came alone when he saw how much difficulty everyone was having sorting out transportation issues.

“Finally, all the sluts are gone,” Yahaba closed the front door with a sigh.

“Sluts?” Shirabu asked with a raised eyebrow, but any sass in his voice was lost because he was incredibly tired.

“Hey, did anyone else notice that Miya and Akaashi went M. I. A. for like two hours earlier?” Hoshiumi asked with a grin. Akaashi pretended not to care.

“Shut up, Hoshiumi,” Atsumu elbowed him in the side.

“What were you guys doing?” Yamamoto wiggled his eyebrows, but then he pouted. “You missed my proposal.”

“Tora, there's a chance you'll never see her again,” Terushima laughed.

“I’ll make sure she keeps up with him,” Futakuchi smirks, and Terushima ruffled his fingers through Yamamoto’s bleached hair.

Ennoshita and Sakusa were so done with everything in the world or just done in general, so they lay on the ground together, half-asleep, half-wishing for death.

Walking over to his friends, sitting in a circle on the floor and the two lying next to the circle, the corners of Yahaba’s lips gently curved upwards. “It's kind of nice.”

“What is?” From the floor, Shirabu looked up at Yahaba before yawning.

Yahaba got closer to Shirabu and Hoshiumi, who were sitting next to each other, and pat both of their heads heads as he said, “Hanging out with you guys instead of texting, it's nice.”

Ennoshita craned his neck towards the others. “Getting a little sappy, aren't we?” Ennoshita’s question is one with which Sakusa would have agreed, had he not been passed out, clinging to the living room rug.

Yahaba’s smile grew when he gave Hoshiumi’s spiked up hair one last scrunch and looked at Ennoshita. “Just a little bit.” Ennoshita smiled back. “Anyway, what do you guys want to do?”

“Wanna catfish people using Nametsu’s picture?” Futakuchi suggested, and Terushima, Miya, Hoshiumi, and Yamamoto replied with excited ‘Yes!’s.

Shirabu, Akaashi, Yahaba, and Ennoshita exchanged a look.

“I was thinking more like ‘put on a movie and go to sleep,’ but this works, too.”

“Yay, I love you, Yahaba!” Futakuchi sounded as if his mother had just given him permission to buy sour gummies.

“Whatever,” Yahaba rolled his eyes, but something resembling a grin found its way to his face again when he looked around the living room. Everyone, despite being exhausted given it was nearly three in the morning, seemed to be having fun.

Ennoshita gently smiled as he looked on to Futakuchi, Miya, and Yamamoto choosing pictures to use for “Nametsu’s” tinder profile while Shirabu and Akaashi were coerced into helping Terushima and Hoshiumi think of pickup lines to send to anyone Nametsu matched with. Even Sakusa sported a hint of a smile while he dreamed, Yahaba presumed.

It was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next day, yamamoto texted kinoshita to apologize for not proposing to him instead 
> 
> I'll write an actually lit party eventually 
> 
> ya girl learned how to link in the notes  
> [ HMU IM FRIENDLY I SWEAR ](https://hajimeiwaizoomi.tumblr.com/)
> 
> are there any other chatfics u guys would like to see btw 
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU SM FOR READING ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️


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